I find myself thinking of the song 'The House that Built Me' (click here to listen)
The House that Built Me - Miranda Lambert
I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
When I thought about writing about this song and I remembered that I had done this once already and went back to look at it http://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.ca/2010/06/house-that-built-me.html
I thought for sure that I would find that my feelings about home would be the same but that the reason for the blog would have changed a lot.... I was almost entirely wrong!!! The only thing that seems to have changed is that I am not so sad about Cole, not missing him so much on an average day...the month of December isn't average in case you are wondering.
This opening bit rings true so much
This song speaks to me on so many levels. There are so many days that I want to just go home, crawl into my old bed in my old room and, to be honest, cry. I just want to go back in time before the world got so difficult, so real and so painful. The problem with doing that is that I wouldn't get the experience the immense joy that my life has brought me thus far either. I do feel so broken somedays and I really do think time at home would help with the healing.
Though I do have to admit that I am not feeling so broken but I do know that time at home always helps with the healing of my heart. It is filled with wonderful memories and wonderful comforts.
What I really marvelled at was what I wrote, in June of 2010, more then a year before we began to explore the change we needed to make in our faith life, 14 months before I ever stepped foot into my current church, about my need to return to the house of my father who built me...not Heaven but a return to the connections to faith...
But it isn't the only home that I had then...not the only home I have now. I was pondering the words to this song on my way to work this morning and realized that I think there are many times that I think that I've needed to come home to God's house too. But more than that I think that I just need to go back to God sometimes...
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Wow that is so true about my faith, about me in the last 18 months, about me now. I do feel broken and that I need to start healing and that God can help me find myself. I am not sure who I am anymore. I have changed so very much since I lost Cole. For the better I am sure but even if that is the case...it is still so very hard to find me. I know that God will help me find myself, He will touch me, make me feel Him...he'll give me that memory from the house that built me...his house.
I want so bad, this week in particular, to not feel so broken, so lost, so, even still, angry at the loss of my son. I want to not miss him each and every day, I want to feel whole again and not this broken self who doesn't understand where she fits in.
So I open myself up to God and his house...help me with the memories of the good times, of the signs of your love, fix this broken me and show me that this has purpose.
I understand so much more now about my relationship with Jesus and I am so...well comforted...to know that I have found a place to heal that brokenness inside of me and God has helped me...every step of the way. I am not angry, I am not full of sadness...I am me and it isn't the me from before... but it's a new and better me and I am 'comforted' by the knowledge of this.
I also know that having the physical house that built me to give me comfort along the way has truly given me the best foundation to build my own house of comfort on.
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