Monday, July 26, 2010

Storms of Life

Last week we went camping at a campground on Lake Huron. One night Geoff and I took the boys down to the beach and watched the sunset.



It was beautiful...there really is nothing like a Lake Huron sunset. The water was fairly calm, the wind was gentle...it was a peaceful and calm moment.
Within hours though we were hearing the rumbles of thunder. The kids were getting very agitated and you could feel the storm in the air.
We put the kids to bed and as the wind picked up we decided to walk back to the lake to see the storm rolling in. It looked a bit like this only much darker and many more clouds.



As I lay in bed that night listening to the rain pounding on the trailer and hearing the wind howling (incidentally there was a tornado warning in effect so it was quite a storm!!!) I was struck by the contrast of the evening and by how that reflects parts of my life.

My pregnancy with the twins wasn't all picturesque like the sunset picture but most of that was my own doing....the stress of the arrival of twins took it's toll on me at times but really I was very lucky to have no health concerns. I enjoyed the time being pregnant with the twins... the ever-growing belly, the tiny flutterings I felt so early, the many ultrasounds. I loved telling people I was having twins, I loved planning for their arrival. I never once considered that the outcome would be anything but a close to full term (for twins) delivery and two healthy babies coming home. I shopped for twin gear, set my mind on finding as much used as I could. I imagined the work of two babies, but I lived for the joy of doing things with two little mirror images, of watching them grow up together and of watching others watching us...multiples attract so much attention!!!
I didn't plan for a storm, especially not one as destructive as TTTS. I wasn't ready, I didn't practice tornado drills or learn how to rush to the basement to be safe from the destruction of this storm. My heart sunk when I learned of the diagnosis and it shattered as the fierce winds of TTTS crashed into my womb, stealing one child and spinning the life of the other in serious peril. Maybe it was actually more like an earthquake with a the initial destruction and then many aftershocks....the blood transfusion, my water breaking, my hospitalization, the ups and downs of being away from home, the strange test results, the arrival of my boys...one full of life, one still and quiet, and then the weeks and months of grieving and coping.
Definitely a storm I wasn't prepared for. But is anyone ever really prepared for the storms of life? Is there a way to be prepared for the storms of life? Can you ready your heart for grief, for loss, for disappointment?
In my opinion, no...not really. But you can know that through it all God is with you. He is there, holding you up as you here the most devastating news of your life...'I'm sorry, this baby has no heartbeat.' He's there for you when you don't know what to do, what the future holds...'we might be just saving a very sick baby'. He holds you in the palm of his hand and keeps you safe when no one can really be sure what is going on...'Mrs. Tummers, there is a very good chance you will have this baby in the next 24-48 hours....he's very underweight, he'll need ventilation support...he has a 60% chance of surviving and may have neurological damage'. And He's there enveloping you in His love when the most emotional events of your life leave you so filled with mixed emotions and so raw that anything and everything can make you cry...'he's fine, he's doing great, listen to his cry.... Jodie, here is Cole, he's perfect and beautiful'...so tiny and so still.
And through it all love remains...it is the steadfast bond that holds us all together....keeps us strong in the storms of life.
I found these words of this song, Love Remains by Colin Raye running through my head...

We are born one fine day
"Children of God on our way
Mama smiles daddy cries
Miracle before their eyes
They protect us til' we're of age
Through it all love remains"


"Kingdoms come and go but they don't last
Before you know the future is the past
In spite of what's been lost
Or what's been gained
We are living proof that love remains"

"We all live we all die
But the end is not goodbye
The sun comes up the seasons change
But throught it all love remains
An eternal burning flame
Hope lives on and love remains"


And it is just so true. Life goes on, things change, storms blow in and out but through it all God is with us and Love Remains. You can't plan for it, can't prepare yourself for the future. But you can trust God and know that He is here for you. You can know that you will make it through this with the love of Him, the love of your lost loved one, of your family, your friends and of yourself. You will see that beautiful sunset again, it will always return. And really, it is always there, in behind the clouds, the wind, the thunder and even the devastation...the beauty is always there....you just have to look.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Another gentle push...

Today I received a message from a facebook friend that reminded me of many things I have promised myself, many things I have dreamt would come from the loss of my son and of just how important it is to live for the living.
Last week on my low day I had sent a 'mass' message out to some friends who've been in my shoes with their twins. I did it for a few reasons...I needed their support, I wanted to bounce my feelings about Cameron and his survival off of them and I was hoping for some great words of wisdom to be shared with the whole group...some of these mom's are so amazing!
But what I never gave any thought to was what if someone didn't want these messages, what if when I include people in a mass message it actually sends them backwards and makes them regress in their recovery from grief. What if they really don't want to hear what the rest have to say.
And that is what I discovered today but I am so glad I discovered this (though sad that I might have upset anyone) because it has evoked some serious thoughts in my moving forward plan..and what's not helping but this friend also gave me some things to think about when it comes to Cole and how we remember him...but that will come later in this entry.
Moving forward for me has always been the goal of this blog. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But most often it makes me feel better. Facebook is different though...it can be so awesome for me to connect with other TTTS families and it feels great to help and support those that need it. But sometimes it evokes horrible feelings...intense sadness when one of my fb friends is having a bad 'twin' day, anger when I read about those who never really battled much and yet talk about it all being a miracle (I know that sounds petty but you have to read their writings or maybe just be in some of our shoes to understand how hard it is to hear from someone who never needed any treatment and went almost full term and talks about it being a hardship and a medical miracle) and jealousy too at those who have both babes survive. I have 57 connections on facebook of moms and a few dads who've been affected by TTTS plus a few families who weren't but connected with me over similarities in our twin pregnancies. That is crazy...so many affected by such a 'rare' disease. I am glad I have those connections though sad we have this disease in common. But talking over and over with them about grief...well it isn't helping...not most of the time anyway. I want to keep them all as friends but it is time to stop talking about our loss and start focusing on our gain...the wonderful miracle that is Cameron, the wonderful miracle that is Mt. Sinai and Dr. Ryan even the wonderful gain that is meeting all the amazing people that I have...the friends who have this in common, the friends I made in antenatal, the amazing medical staff that have cared for us. That's what this is for, that's why I do this. Helping is great as long as it helps both parties...and if I am pulling someone else down or pulling myself down by tripping down memory lane all the time in sadness, well what is that point of that!!!
One fb friend sent a message that I am going summerize....
My identity as my sons' (yes both of them) mother cannot be in the loss of Cole , but in the life that they both had/have that I gave to them. I will always be Cole's mother, but I am Cameron (and Zack and Brycen)'s mother too and it isn't fair for them to have a mommy who can't get over the loss of their brother. That isn't a healthy way for them to grow up. I have never wanted them to remember their brother with sadness, the remember this journey with sadness and I have never wanted people to think of me as 'that mom who lost one of her twins and never got over it'.
A few weeks ago my friend Tracey wrote a note about her late husband (incidentally my 2nd cousin) who passed away 7 years ago. In it she mentioned an article that was in McLean's (i think) about a father who is told he is dying of terminal cancer and he decides to find 7 men to help raise his child with the qualities he wants in a dad. One of things that one of them says to him is about how they will help his child remember him...
"When you lose someone, the loss becomes the dominant memory. You have to build a rival memory. We went here and did this... take the negative pain and create a positive side to it."
My kids need a rival memory.... Cameron most of all. He needs to know his brother as the positive little person he was...of the person who evoked change in the world by inspiring others (okay his mom anyway) to be a better person.
I've made some huge gains in the last few days here... and my dream of a future that has more support out there for families suffering with fetal distress disorders and of raising funds for such support and for treatment...at a national level...well it's taking off...in leaps and bounds. And as my friend Tammy says..
making a difference in other families lives because of what has happened, though it can have its difficult moments, in the end it makes us feel like our angel's life wasn't a waste. Sad does not have to define us as such.
And I need to make sure that everyone, especially Cameron and his brothers have rival memories...they are going to remember the sad times because there will always be some that will creep in here and there. But good memories... the amazing $900 Zack raised in honour of Cameron and in memory of Cole, the fact that they have twin brothers (or a twin in Cameron's case)...that is amazing...so few can say that.
Sure it would be better to have both boys here in my house instead of just in my heart but as this fb friend's message pointed out... At the end of the day, I have to be satisfied with having "just him," but in all honesty I am just so honoured that God has blessed me to be these little boys' mommy. I am so very blessed and can I can smile when I remember Cole's soft kicks, his punches and kicks at Cameron, his shyness to show us 'the goods'; keeping his identity and name unknown for so long, his ever-active moves...he was the busy one!!! I will never forget the feelings I had telling the world I was pregnant with identical twins, not many women get this blessing and I'm proud to say I was one of them.
Thanks Jen for the gentle push to remember and honour Cole the right way and to be so very joyful for the blessings I have!

Monday, July 12, 2010

A Place of Peace

After a few days of sadness and reflecting and some amazing messages from some amazing friends (I would not survive without the support of my TTTS mommy friends!) I wanted to post and tell you all why things really are wonderful.
This weekend we spent a lot of time working outdoors. Geoff worked on the kids swing set and I worked on Cole's garden. The first day I worked on it I had Cameron 'helping' me. I found myself singing 'On Eagles Wings' and felt this amazing sense of peace. Cameron came up to me and hugged me as I sang and put his head on my shoulder.
When I came inside I was inspired to hear this song sung by someone more talented than me and I found this version. The pictures are beautiful though totally ignore the comments about baby's lost to abortion and the rambles of those on youtube from there...really not my intention to post that part.

And I'm pretty sure that the song popped into my head when I saw this beautiful statue....
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

As I worked that day I decided this garden is my favourite place and my place of peace and remembrance of Cole.

I could really feel him here...and with the sun streaming down and swirling around in this picture...I could almost 'see' his spirit I think.

When we decided to build this garden we had planned to have Cole's ashes placed in it. We weren't sure if this was the best idea in case we moved etc. So we changed the location of the garden but then ran into the maintenance issue...if we put it where we don't live than who maintains it. So it ended up here, with contributions from so many wonderful friends and relatives and his urn stayed in the house...in his twin brothers room.
This weekend I decided I needed him to have a place...that I needed a place to go when I want to remember, to take balloons on his birthday, to take flowers on his angelversary...a place for Cole where Cole is. And so some of his ashes are there and I can't believe the sense of peace this has brought me. Such a little gesture and yet...

Guarded by a sweet angel child statue...


And with so many loving messages to him and to us.... the peace surrounds me here.


This one was my Mother's Day present and I decided today to reflect on the messages that each of the stones has.
"Those we have held in our arms for awhile we hold in our hearts forever"
. For me this is somewhat of a hard phrase to process...I didn't hold Cole before he passed away...not in my arms. But I held him in my womb, I felt his kicks, I saw him move on the ultrasound, I heard his heartbeat. And I did hold his still body. And I loved him with every minute of the 20+ weeks I carried him alive, with every second of the 11 weeks I carried him after he passed, and with every breath I take and have taken in the 16+ months since he was born. He has a very special place in my heart and he will be in my heart forever.

After last week and our visit with Dr. Ryan I think this stone speaks to me more about Cameron but also about both my boys. Life is full of difficulties. Though it has, by far, been the most difficult journey of my life and the hardest thing I've ever gone through it isn't the first time that I've been devastated by the loss of a loved one and I'm certain that it isn't the last time that I will find life to be difficult. But miracles do grow out of difficulties. Cameron is a sign of this but so is the faith journey that TTTS has taken me on. I find it to be a miracle somedays that my sanity is still in tact LOL! I also find it a miracle that from this difficult time I have been able to go on and help others, to show them God's love, to see the positives and feel the love and support of those around them. Difficulties really do grow miracles!

"The best and most beautiful things in the World cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
This stone was given to us by one of Cole's grandparents and is so fitting from them especially as they did not see or touch their grandson. Most people didn't and yet I think many can sense the beautiful child he was, the grace he bestowed, the love he taught us all. We can feel him in our hearts as we can feel God's love all around us. Sometimes it is so hard to believe in something you can't see or touch. Sometimes it's even hard to believe that Cole was even with us for a brief time. But taking time to be still, to be silent and FEEL... that person, that love...it's right there in your heart...never doubt that.

This stone didn't have the same meaning to me a year ago that it does today. A year ago it was the kind message from my friend Karen, it was a message to say 'chin up, you can do this', a message reminding me to have strength. But now it means something totally different.
Cole's garden offers me a place of peace. It is a place to go when I need to calm down, when I need quiet and solace, when I need him and his sweet baby angel presence. His garden is his place, the place where his headstone is, the place where we have placed his very essence. But he is all around me...I see him in so much that happens here. In his brothers laughter, their conversations and in their prayers. I see it his twin's smile... in the twinkle in Cameron's eye.
His garden is a place that gives me strength... the strength to endure the sadness that comes when I think of what I wish, what I dream. He gives me strength just as God gives me strength.
But the grace to accept...as hard as that is...as hard as it is to accept that this is the life God intends for me...not one always full of easiness and happiness but one of struggles, sadness, tears and laughter, love and joy. I need the grace to accept this and am working towards this very message.
Ah yes, this stone says so much to me!


"Leave room in your garden for the angels to dance" . This stone came from some of the greatest groups of friends I have...the girls I can dance with and be myself with...with whom I get my night out each week. Sometimes I wonder if we don't all have a problem not leaving room in the garden for dancing angels. If we don't fill our lives up with so much busy-ness, so many activities with our kids, committees to belong to etc. Leaving room for time to reflect, time to pray, time to be alone and be still. When I leave time for my angels to dance...and time to dance with my angels, I feel renewed and able to endure more. Thankfully I have this amazing garden in which to spend time reflecting and allowing the angels to dance around me and remind me of all the great gifts God has given me.

Cole's 'headstone'... a fitting tribute and a young life held in God's hands and protected by his love. Knowing that my son is with God and that he, unlike all of us, endured no suffering before he reached the Kingdom of Heaven...well that brings me so much peace.

A wonderful blessing and gift from Cameron's godparents (whom I'll always think of as Cole's as well). God has blessed me with such wonderful people in my life and He is blessing my son with a life in Heaven.



And the best part about this garden...about Cole's resting place being in our backyard...is that he is with his brothers each day as they play and live life to it's fullest. Their shrieks of laughter last night reminded me that life is for the living, the life is so very precious and living each day to the fullest and praising God each day for the life He's given me...well that is the best thing I can do.

And what a thing of peace...and what a place of piece... that is.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I Believe

It seems I am filled with the writing bug these days...I really do think I need to look into what it would take to write a book about our journey to share our story with others, to hopefully help others deal with the loss of a child, the loss of a twin and the journey back to finding yourself.
For the last two days, not surprisingly, I've had my twin sons on my brain. I'd been very emotional.... full of memories of their lives together and of loss of Cole and the miracle journey of Cameron.
Being told by Dr. Ryan that he was truly impressed and surprised at how well Cameron was doing was so very hard to hear. I thought it would make me feel better, make me oh so much more joyful about the amazing little boy he is. But instead I am filled with emotion at how close we came to losing him. And filled with the intense sadness that the loss of Cole has always brought me.
I dreamt of my pregnancy last night for the first time in a very long time. I dreamt that I was was telling people that I was pregnant with identical twin sons (which I never knew until the night we were diagnosed with TTTS) and that there going to be the busiest, craziest little boys...and I couldn't wait to meet them. I told people that baby a was named Cole and baby b was named Cameron. I kept rubbing my belly and telling my boys how excited I was that God had chosen me to be the mommy of identical twin boys and how amazed I was at this miracle.
Suddenly the dream turned into what was the reality...it was weird because it was like I was spinning around in a kaleidoscope and all the images of being in Stratford, all the places at Mt. Sinai, ambulances, St. Joe's and images of the boys at their arrival were all around me. I woke up in a cold sweat with tears streaming down my cheeks.
I came here to check something on the blogs I read and this song was playing...

I Believe - Diamond Rio
Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again
And it's like, you haven't been

Gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time
Were pulling you, and me

And with all my heart, I'm sure
We're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see
I've got all the proof I need

There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.

Now when you die, your life goes on
It doesn't end here, when you're gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends, if I'm right

Our love can even reach, across-
Eternity.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.

Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer
If I can..

Oh, the people who don't see the most
See that I, believe in ghosts
If that makes me crazy, then I am
Cuz I believe.. ohh, I believe..

There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.


Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again..
And I believe..


And I have to believe that this dream and being pulled here was Cole's way of hugging his mommy when she's feeling so very low and down. I believe, I have to believe, that he is around me just as God's love is all around me. I just wish that I was able to feel so much more positive about this.
Geoff and I were chatting last night about my sadness and about my feelings about Cameron and what Dr. Ryan said. I told him about a blog entry I read on Fetal Hope's website

In order to move forward in my journey, I had to realize that God does not take children, he welcomes them. “Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14. You see, Rosemary and Sophie were never really mine to begin with. We are all God’s children and we are put on this earth to worship him especially through our sufferings. My girls never have to suffer like the rest of us. They will rest peacefully with Christ and wait on my arrival. Does this mean that I am not sad, angry, doubtful, or scared? Absolutely not. But my life can only move forward if I trust that the Lord will take care of my heavenly children while at the same time will take care of my life here on earth.


I know, and have said it before, that Cole did not ever have to suffer in order to make it to God's kingdom. He is there and God is taking care of him. I truly believe he has a job up there to protect other TTTS babies. He protected his twin and helped him 'overcome the most unbelievable odds' as Dr. Ryan said... TTTS, severe anemia, pPROM, preterm labour, amniotic band syndrome (our new discovery that Cameron had), prematurity and weight gain issues. Then God brought my new friend Tara into my life and lead to me to help her gain strength and feel His love. She and I truly believe that He sent Cole to watch over her boys and chose to bring them into the world on my son's birthday. Jack Lawrence and Noah Cole Sawyer were welcomed by their parents on Feb. 26th...the day that one year before I had welcomed my sons Cameron Cole Gregory and Cole Edward Ryan into the world.
I know that God has a plan for me, I know that He has a plan for all of my children. Leaving it all up to Him...man it's hard sometimes. Acceptance is so hard. As I said to Geoff last night...I find it so hard to be so sure of what I am 'supposed' to do especially when I have these intense sad moments. I don't know if it's okay to feel this sad... and here's the blog entry from FH on this...
Will this grief end? I have also learned that God never promises us a life free from pain, but he does promise to be by our side. He will never abandon you. There have been many days when I have felt completely alone, like He has forgotten about me. There are many difficult situations I faced and still face after my loss. So my answer to Will this grief end, is I don’t know. The feeling of sadness is still there but it’s not overwhelming anymore. The most important thing I had to re-teach myself is that everything good is from God. At the end of the day, I think of all the good things in my life: my loving husband, my precious 4 year old daughter, my amazing friends, etc. The good news is the Lord already knows my heart, my needs, my problems and all I have to do is lay them at his feet, and He will carry those burdens for me. My God is a compassionate God, and he holds every one of my tears in hands. He hurts too and for some reason I find that comforting.
I'm not sure I am where this blogger is at...but I am trying and I guess that has to be good enough for now. I have to remind myself that this is a process.... there is no time line, there is no magic pill...and forever I will find things that are going to upset me. I lost a child, my son lost his twin brother. There is no way to sugar coat that and make it 'okay' but there are ways to make it more about the joy of the gift I was given..the gifts I have been given...than to make it always a sad topic.
Does this mean I can't be sad from time to time? No way...I am human. Finding the balance is important...and I honestly think I have done a good job of this.
And so for now I will sign off to have my tearful moments, to listen to the song again and to feel Cole's touch... Soft as breath upon my skin.. feel him come back again... And believe...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A wonderful vist to a wonderful place...for an even more wonderful reason!

Yesterday our family took a trip. A trip down memory lane for some of us but most of all a trip to deliver a very special gift to a very special person and place. We traveled to Toronto to give Dr. Ryan, the Fetal Therapy program and Mt. Sinai Hospital the donations that we gathered on their behalf from our friends and our family and our amazing community.



We met with the staff from the foundation and were shocked to see that we weren't just meeting with their director of development. Instead it was a group of 5 or 6 staff members...PR staff, communications staff, special events co-ordinators. It was rather amazing and we felt like we'd made a huge contribution to them. They brought a huge cheque in and we filled it out.

href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3Qyu3lu_xGA/TDOC9rA0WWI/AAAAAAAAAEs/ht83oZkogYU/s1600/109_3777.JPG">

And then we got to meet with our hero, the namesake of our very special twin sons Cameron Cole Gregory and Cole Edward Ryan, Dr. Greg Ryan...the man who saved Cameron's life.



We spent a lot of time talking to Dr. Ryan. He as amazed at how well our little miracle is doing. He admitted to us repeatedly that he really was impressed with Cameron and that odds Cameron beat are pretty astronomical. He just kept saying 'I can't get over how well he's doing'. He even looked at Cameron's scar and gave us his best guess as to what caused it...amniotic band syndrome...and one more reason why it is just amazing that Cameron is here with no real issues affecting him. Though it was good to hear all these things, it was also another moment for me to realize how close we came to having a different result. Dr. Ryan told us that he really didn't think our outcome would be as positive as it was though he also admitted that upon seeing our initial admittance results when we arrived, he also hadn't thought we'd lose Cole either. It's good to hear that he's so pleased with the results of all our hard work but also very emotional to know that the doctor who was responsible for saving your son's lives wasn't sure he'd save either of them.


Dr.Ryan was also amazed at how well our fundraiser had gone. He asked tons of questions about how we raised the money and who the donations came from. He is pretty sure he's never had a 'tractor square dance set' sponsor any of his programs before. He was so very touched that we did this for his program and he has the perfect place for these funds....a new fetal scope (the instrument used in the surgery that was done to stop the connections in the placenta that caused the TTTS).



And then we presented him with our cheque...in total $3800. Truly amazing...we all felt this. Me, most of all as I had projected raising $2000 or less.
So thank you to everyone who helped us with this event...it was truly an event to remember from start to finish!
P.S. A few later totals (including ours that I apparently forgot to add in LOL)...brings the total to $3975!!!!

Responsibitlity....

okay so I had this entry all typed and it disappeared...so frustrating...thankfully I had wrote part of it on some down time shhhh...at work on last week.

June 28th
Responsibility is defined as
–noun, plural -ties.
1.
the state or fact of being responsible.
2.
an instance of being responsible: The responsibility for this mess is yours!
3.
a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible: the responsibilities of authority.
4.
a person or thing for which one is responsible: A child is a responsibility to its parents.
5.
reliability or dependability, esp. in meeting debts or payments.

Now this may seem a strange topic for this blog...and parts of it aren't really connected to what I usually write about...but parts are and mostly I just need to put it all down and learn to live by what I write.
You see I've been having some serious discussions lately with my hubby about being responsible for our own actions. Now I'm not talking about being responsible for the messes we make such as def #2...though I'm sure all women could write about that or the lack of it it at times. Nor am I talking about being reliable or even being responsible for our children.
No, this is all about cause and effect. If something or someone causes you to get angry or upset then the effect is our responsibility. And for some people it is impossible to accept that. Some people want to blame others forever for this kind of thing.
I see this everywhere..and I see it in myself at times too. I see some moms who have lost a baby or both their babies blame doctors, medical professionals and even God for where their life goes after that. Their marriages end, they turn to vices such as booze and drugs, they shop excessively or they have a hard time relating to anyone.
For me, I know that losing Cole has cause some amazing things in me to happen but I do use it as a crutch at times and I don't take responsibility for the actions that I have. I don't feel I can relate to some people and I don't try...but I blame them and not me.
But blaming others for your actions is just...well wrong. Especially when it is children who are either being blamed or who are on the receiving end of the mood you are in because of the original incident that caused your anger. And by enabling those whose life is made up of these type of mood swings...well that's not getting you anywhere either.
Stepping up and taking action to make change happen is pretty important. But so is knowing...and admitting...defeat. Knowing that you've tried all you can, done all you can, played 'fixer' long enough is also something you have to take responsibility for. Removing yourself, protecting yourself and those you love from someone who isn't being responsible is in itself a responsibility.
And so I now make some promises to myself:
1) To no longer use my grief as a crutch but to accept that some days will be crappy and it's no one's job to get me out of a funk, it's no one's fault I am there... including my own.
2) To be responsible for my own actions, words and behaviour. If I am in a bad mood it is my own fault...never should the words 'well if you/they would just do this or not do this then I wouldn't be in a bad mood'.
3) To accept that I can't change people and their actions, behaviours etc. They have to do that themselves. What I can change is my reaction to them (see #2) and ensure that no one is 'paying the price' for another person's bad choices.

Again, I'm sure your wondering what all of this really means...of why I've really chosen to put it here. Know that it is just really my way of self confirmation of change and self acceptance of my own behaviour. Know that I am trying my best to ensure that Cole is a positive part of my life, my kids lives and the lives of those who know me and those who will meet me in the future. That is a responsibility that I want and NEED to have.

Wowzers, it's been awhile!!!

So I decided I ought to post the three blogs that I had composed in the last 2 weeks and not gotten uploaded and realized that it's been FOREVER since I blogged...busy life here with 2 boys in ball, mommy playing ball, school finishing, camping, swimming lessons etc.
So here is the blog I wrote, well actually composed, on June 24th....

So as I drive home tonight, hoping that this voice recorder thing will work, I felt compelled to tell you all about my evening. You see, it's another one of those horrible moments that has brought me to tears, made me feel so frustrated and forced me to realize that sometimes I really am not further ahead in my grief. Graduation night...for the kids at my school. And as an aside, it was a great night, a lovely event. I changed to this school after my 14 months off with the crazy pregnancy, bereavement leave, medical leave and then maternity leave. I have only known this group of kids for 5 months or so... all accept one lovely young woman. I knew her at my old school and she changed to this school shortly after the boys were born. She had struggled with anxiety, depression, social issues etc. for the 6 years I have known her. And tonight was no different...though I was so proud of her for coming as close to going up to get her diploma.
Anyway, I was fine at grad, had no sad thoughts or feelings. And then suddenly as I walked away from the hall to my car I actually stumbled when I realized I'd never see Cole graduate. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't see him take his first steps in May along with his twin brother, I didn't feed him his first foods or any of those other firsts. But for some reason the joy of seeing Cameron do those things when for so many reasons he shouldn't have been able to made those moments not about Cole at all. But this one, this one is so hard because as I realized that I wouldn't see him graduate I also realized that I would never see him go to highschool, go on his first date, go to the prom, graduate highschool, move away to college, get married and worst of all, I'll never hold this baby's baby.
I am crying so hard right now that I ought to pull over.
Damn it, when will it ever be easier. Why does is it have to hurt so bad so many many months later?
I know that I am human and that so many who haven't been in my shoes will say that they don't know how I do as well as I do. And others who have been here will say that the pain does numb in time but there will always be these moments. But I guess I just never expected to be hit like this now. I never expected something that had nothing to do with my kids and my family to cause me so much heartache.
I apologize to those who came here to read some great words of inspiration today...it's just not that type of day for me. I think I'm going to go and pour myself a really big drink when I finally get home and feel abit sorry for myself before I begin to feel a bit better.
Thanks for listening....