Saturday, March 27, 2010

The right reasons

I've been debating about writing this blog long enough and decided that it was time to put my words on 'paper' and stop complaining and venting to everyone.
Sometimes I feel so misunderstood but in all honesty I think I misunderstand myself a lot too. Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, sometimes it looks like I am doing them for different reasons than I am and sometimes I really am right on track (well in my mind anyway!!!)
Those who have read my blog from the first day I started it know that I have always felt that we (meaning Geoff and I) have wanted to give back to Mt. Sinai, the place that diagnosed our TTTS, treated it and ultimately saved Cameron's life with the fetal surgery (only place in Canada that you can get it) and the blood transfusion (very few places in Canada do these on an unborn fetus). For a long time it was just too hard to be in the right place to start planning this. I didn't want our fundraiser to be all about 'preserving Cole's memory' and filled with emotion. I needed to be ready to deal with the reality of what happened to our boys, to answer the questions and explain what happened and why Mt. Sinai is such an amazing place. I wanted it to be all about raising funds for a place that raises hope for families.
And so the plans began to take shape late last fall. We wanted to do something different, not just the usual dance and silent auction. We thought a casino night would be lots of fun but when we looked into it we found out it was impossible the way we planned to do it. After a lot of waiting for answers and unreturned emails we finally had a plan, a location and a unique event.
A retro wedding themed costume dance with a silent auction and tons of neat ideas of games to play and things to do to raise extra money.
And I feel great about least I think I do. Unfortunately though someone has planted a seed in my head that maybe I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. That maybe this isn't a good idea, that maybe I shouldn't be holding an event to get people to give money to this place that means so much to me. Self-doubt reigns supreme in Jodie's world at the best of times and now I think that maybe my whole event will be a big flop and I'll look like an idiot...that maybe I really don't have family and friends who support me and what I thought was this great idea, great thing I was doing.
And maybe that's the whole thing.... it's not about Me, about what I think or about a thing I am doing. People have to do this, some to our event because they believe it is a good idea, a good place to put their money. My only job is to help show them what a wonderful place Mt. Sinai is.... and the only way I can do that is for Me to talk about it, Me to hold the event and bring the issue of fetal distress out in the open.
For the most part I am in such a good place about what has happened, about the miracle that is Cole and Cameron and about the tragic loss of my sweet baby boy. I feel so good about how far I've come and what I've been able to achieve. I feel motivated to help any way I can. I know I've made a difference already, we are so very blessed to have a name sake for our Cole living half a world away, born on his birthday, to prove it. I helped someone and that is a great feeling. Cole helped someone, was someone's guardian angel again and that is an even better feeling.
And planning this event is a good feeling too. I can't let the lack of understanding and support of the event by some defer me from to good work I am doing, the difference I am making.
And so I will focus on the work ahead. On making this the best that I can, being as organized as I can, getting as many items for the auction, as many fun games, as many fun ways to raise funds. And hopefully the people will come. Wasn't that line from Field of Dreams "if you build it, they will come". Well I am about to build a fun night, a night of raising funds while raising hopes. And darn it all THEY WILL COME!!!
And just to reassure myself that I really am doing this for the right reason I have to share yet again another quote from an article I read this week. This article spoke to me on so many levels but mostly it showed me that doing this event is another way to honour Cole, to preserve his memory all while moving forward because although our lives were changed forever on December 13/08, our lives did not stop that day....
"It needs to be said at the outset that life will never again be the same. Evidence of the tear in the fabric of one's life remains even once mended. That is not to say that people should grieve endlessly. Rather, a process of mourning must occur, the outcome of which is to find a place within to preserve the person lost, freeing up the survivors to go on."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Things that make you go hmmmmm....

I wish what I was writing about today was about happy things that make you go hmmmm or weird things but really it's about the things that make me wonder things about life, about myself and about others.
It's been a week of unrest and disbelief in the small community we live in here. Last week an unbelievable tragedy occurred 10 minutes from our house. I found myself thinking constantly of Officer Pham's family, of those sweet boys he leaves behind, of his loving wife and of his community. For those who read this (does anyone actually read this or do I just babble here for me.... let me know if you do, I am curious, I admit it) and don't know where I live or grew up this tragedy happened very close to my current home and this wonderful man who died in the line of duty lived in the community next to the one I grew up in and where I went to highschool. It just hits so close to home and just makes me think about so many things.
Life is so very precious and so impossible to forecast. We do not know each day what will happen nor can we worry about it. We must live each day to the fullest, we must cherish all the little things and not worry about the things we can't control. That is for God to do, we have to put our faith in him.
The memories we have afterwards, after a tragedy, after a crisis but more importantly after a life, a love, a blessing, a joyful event...a miracle.... those are the things to cherish and to honour.
God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December. James M. Barrie
I live for those memories of Cole somedays. They are all I have. I have memories of the day I learned I was carrying twins, of the joy I felt in telling others and planning for their arrival. I have memories of seeing not one but two little miracles bouncing around inside of me. I remember the first movements and the knowledge that it could be any one of 4 limbs moving in their. But most of all I remember the excitement and the joy I felt at being picked to be a part of this unique club - mom of identical twins. What a gift from God they were, how lucky I was.
There will always be memories of the sad times, the TTTS journey and the day we learned Cole had passed away. I will forever remember the day I welcomed him into the world and wished he wasn't so still. But I need to focus on the joyful is the only way to cope and the only way it all makes sense in my head.
For a long time I wasn't able to be so joyful and I was so very angry. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments where I remember everything that made me angry. So much of that anger was tied up in what I realized later was the need to forgive others. It's a hard thing to do, to forgive those who have hurt you. Heather Pham said "God forgives all and hoped that others would offer their forgiveness as well". She is so right. God forgives all and so must must I. I had the hardest time forgiving myself I think. It was tough to admit that what held me back the most from moving on was the guilt I felt at how I reacted when I learned about the twins growing inside of me. But I have come to terms with that, I have forgiven myself, and I dwell now on the memories of the excitement, the joy and the happiness I had at the gift I was given.
I hope that everyone can learn from someone of faith like Heather Pham, her family and her church community. They should inspire us all to be better people and to live as God wishes us to.
Another quote came to mind as I was typing this
"The true voyage of self-discovery lies not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes" Marcel Proust
Such a truth he speaks.
I have discovered more about myself through the gifts that are Cameron and Cole than I ever though imaginable. But it really isn't about finding a new place to be, a new group of friends who understands you for what you've been through or accepts you for what you are, it's not about finding where you fit in or even learning from what you've been through. It truly is 'having new eyes' and seeing the world in a different way. Not changing that world, not even necessarily changing yourself though the self-discovery journey usually does do this. But opening your eyes to what is there in front of you, to what you have, what you hold, who you are. Appreciating it all, seeing the joy, the love, the wonderment. That's what it is, that's what it's become for me.
Knowing that life is so very precious and I can't focus on silly little things (like seriously Jodie you can't be upset that people stopped reading your blog, that people who used to call a lot don't, that so many friends and relationships have changed) because it's all in how I look at it...not with negative eyes, not with angry eyes, not with eyes that can't forgive but with eyes wide open, seeing myself for who I am and who I've become, changing what needs to be changed and blaming no one but myself. My new eyes might need glasses from time to time but they are helping me to see what really is important!