Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Tiny Footprints

A friend shared this poem on facebook and it really struck a chord with me. I've been thinking of Cole a lot lately...the days of wondering what if are back again. Cameron is so very busy, so very happy and excited and full of energy lately and I really find myself wondering what it would be like to be chasing two of them around. I saw my friends set of twin boys playing in the front yard the other night as we went for a walk and I just teared up. It's just so darn hard some days. Another wonderful friend wrote about me the other day on her blog. She told our story and pointed out that being 'just another mom' can be so much more, that experienced moms will say they've seen it all and in the last 2 years I have gained more experience than most will in a lifetime. I just wish I wasn't joined by so many other TTTS moms in gaining this experience and I wish gaining the experience didn't have to hurt so much.
And yet at the same time I know that I wouldn't take away this experience for anything....

These are My Footprints

"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.

You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart,
cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."

My cousin Debbie once told me that those moments that choke me up the most are the moments when Cole is saying hi. Just like the footprints I can hear in the rain are my angels tears.
Missing you today, this day filled with daffodils and tulips picked by your brothers, bike rides and stroller rides and sloppy sweet baby kisses, missing you so sweet angel boy.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Mean Girls

Today’s entry isn’t really about me or about my journey though I am sure I’ll relate it in there somehow!!!
As my title indicates, this one is about mean girls, mean people really.
We’ve been having troubles with this issue with a group of girls at my school. They seem to think they can just leave one girl out, ignore her, tell her not to follow them, talk about her and then tattle on her when she gets fed up and says something back. Why young girls behave this way is beyond me, I was never a young girl??? Actually I was never like this as a child and might add that I am VERY happy that I have all boys!!!
But as a young child I did do things that weren’t always nice and then felt horrible about it and within minutes was trying to fix the situation. I think I still do that now….I am always the one who apologizes first, always the one who stews about something for days only to find out the other person completely forgot about it.
So back to my girls…. We talked to them about whether it was ever okay to be mean. And of course, being the good catholic school that it is, we talked about whether God is happy when people are mean. Of course the kids answered no. But then we talked about whether meanness happened in the bible. Not surprisingly, the kids said that no one was mean in the bible….that should be the answer right??? We spent some time talking about people who were mean in the bible and what God and Jesus thought about that….and what Jesus taught them about this.
But the most important part of the discussion was yet to come…and is the reason for the entry. We talked about whether adults are ever mean and pointed out that mean girls become mean woman….the kind of person no one admires, no one really respects but often the person everyone is somewhat afraid of. Would you really want that to be you? Is that you?
I’d love to say that’s never me but the truth is I am human. I do say horrible things sometimes, I do things that aren’t the way a good person, most especially a good Christian, should behave. Sometimes I hate myself for the things that come out of my mouth, for the actions that I have. Tonight was one of those nights. I couldn’t get over how hard it is sometimes to stop the crap from coming out and from stopping the anger that comes so easily. But as I said before, I am the kind of person who, most often, feels immediately bad about my actions and needs to apologize…even if I am not the only one at fault.
Don’t you just wish that everyone behaved this way or better yet, lived the good Christian life and didn’t do the ‘meanies’ in the first place. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world? Wouldn’t it be great if no one said things to upset us, no one hurt our feelings or left us out. There are so many times that I have felt left out, especially in the last 18 months or so. So many times things have been said that have hurt me, or maybe NOT said that have hurt me too. Mean people exist everywhere, mean girls become mean woman and there is no way to live in a mean free bubble. But forgiveness, now there’s a God given gift that is so valuable. Being a person who can forgive easily….well that’ s not me all the time. I am trying and have, most certainly, come leaps and bounds in this area.
I’d like to think I am the kind of person that people would look at and never say ‘now that’s a mean girl’ and I’m pretty sure I am okay there. But I know I am not a person that people would say forgives well, moves on well, treats everyone kindly all the time and is full of respect for all. I’m not okay with the person I am sometimes but I know that I am trying and know that a mean girl I am not.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I try not to push my views of Christianity on others and try to respect the views of those who don’t believe. I understand how tragedy can challenge your faith especially if you don’t have much or any faith anyway. I’ve been pondering the views of others for about a week now as I have recently read some postings of other moms on one of the support forums I participate in. For the moms who have lost both their babes….well I can’t imagine the pain and I can relate to the feelings of anger that they must feel. But I really am surprised at some of what I’ve read and I’m not really sure why I am.
They have posted about their lack of faith….
I am not a religious person (never was), and did not "find God" in all of this. I think if I did believe in God beforehand I certainly wouldn't now. I know people find comfort in that, and that's fine, but personally I don't.

I too am not religious and never really was. The last thing I wanted to hear was how "God has a plan...blah blah" So many times I wanted to say F that, I am glad his plan was to take my babies away from me. I mean I know I am no angel, but no one deserves that.

It breaks my heart that others feel this pain and react this way. I want to reach out but I am not confident enough that my words would have any impact. I find it so surprising that people can feel this way and say these things. I know how angry I was, how confused and hurt. I wondered why all the time and even wondered if God felt I couldn’t handle this ‘twin ness’ or perhaps that I had wished it upon myself but not being overjoyed initially about the news of twins.
The thing is, for me, I had no choice but to believe in God in this and that this had all happened for a reason that I wasn’t meant to understand until I get to Heaven. If I didn’t believe in God than I didn’t believe in Heaven….and therefore I would NEVER see my son, Cole, again. And I live for the day that I reach Paradise and can hold that baby in my arms again, too see him in his glory, to tell him again how much he means to me and how his life was and is so very valuable.
And maybe that’s the most baffling part of this…that some of these people write what I posted above and yet write this too….
How was I suppose to explain where her brothers where to a 3 1/2 year old. To this day she tells everyone that she has two brothers in heaven. Part of me loves that she accepts them as her brothers, part of me hates that she tells people because I hate the pity look. She sends balloons to them any chance she gets, so that is really nice.
Isn’t that contradictory? How can you say that you don’t believe, aren’t religious and don’t believe God has a plan for all of us and yet be so comforted by sending balloons up to Heaven…and believing your children are there.
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I lost both of my twins, if Cameron had joined Cole in heaven. It would shatter me but I know that as hard as it would be, as hard as it is, God does bring me comfort. He does have a plan though I do not believe He WANTED to take Cole from us, that maybe wasn’t part of the plan.
But instead of being so angry and hurt I needed, as do I feel others do, to turn to God and ask him to comfort me, to take away my pain, to show me that I would see Cole again.
I remember when I first ‘met’ my online friend Tara we spoke about her feelings on the subject….

I’ve noticed you speak of God a few times. I have had mixed feelings on the subject of if I believe or not and even to what side he really plays with us. I have to ask, am I being tested? What could I possibly have done that makes my babies have to pay the price? Did you feel like you were being played with? Dangled hope in front of you and having someone threat to change everything. I can only imagine that after all you have been through you must have a huge hole in you somewhere or that to look as strong as you did you fill that whole with some short term answer? Thats what I’d do. I’d be fine from the outside for so long convincing the people not only am I getting better but moving on too. but in time I’d end up being a loaded weapon aimed at myself. if God is real he must by now know thats what I’d do. I don’t see what God is doing with me and matt as pro active. You could realy lose yourself in this kind of talk couldnt you. sorry :) i know i sound so negative on the subject of God but I believe we go somewhere when we die. I dont know where but I believe we do go. I noticed someone wrote a comment on your pics. saying that her boy and Cole are playing together. I need to believe that so much. if my boys don’t get to meet there mummy and daddy I need to believe that they didnt just stop existing. I need to believe that they get a second chance somewhere safe and loving.

And now Tara is a believer…well I think she and Matt both are. They truly believe that God sent Cole and I to be there for them…Cole to hold their boys hands and me to provide comfort and strength. Their boys were born on Cole and Cameron’s birthday and one of their boys is named after Cole. You can’t tell me that isn’t God’s work, that He didn’t intervene and bring our families together. I made an impact in their lives but they made one in mine too. I had not been able to really face mom’s of identical twins that were survivors yet but Tara and Matt and their boys touched my life too and I now consider them dear and special friends.
So I have to believe in God, in Heaven, in life after death, in the resurrection of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins. I have to believe that if I live a good life, treat people fairly, believe in God and praise him that I will see my son again. And how others who’ve lost can’t see this….I don’t know. I don’t know where their Hope comes from but mine comes from God.

Wow this was a pretty deep entry…but it’s something that’s been bugging me for a week or more and I just had to write about it…maybe someone reading this needs to see the two sides of the coin and maybe, just maybe, God will have one more believer.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Perfect timing

About 4 hours after my last posting my husband called me over to the computer and said you've GOT to see this. Expecting some stupid joke or some inane video of some idiot doing something stupid I was quite surprised when the video revealed a message that echoed my thoughts of the last entry almost exactly.
The video is entitled 'The Invisible Woman' and before I get to posting it I wanted to share my thoughts on it. I sent it out to a few people who I wanted to see it and whom I felt needed to hear my thoughts about it. This is the message I sent out with it....
'When I watched this I cried because it made me realize something that I needed to share with you all. You see there are times that I question myself and the things I do. There are times I wonder if anyone sees me but more than that there are many times lately that I wonder if anyone can see the reasons I do things. I've realized in the last few days, and especially after watching this, that there indeed is someone who sees why I do things and is the reason why I do them. So it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks I am doing whatever I might be doing for.... I'm not doing it for you....'

But I realize now that I still don't 'get it' completely (okay I realize it with some help from my wonderful Aunt Sheila who pointed some things out to me). You see I used the phrase 'I'm sure He's proud of me' when I mentioned my fundraising project to her and she pointed out that God isn't proud of us when we do things that WE think are the right things to do. Instead He is proud of us when we bring him Joy...when we speak his name and praise Him, when we share his message, his love, his light with others.
At first I thought 'wow did I screw that one up' and my misunderstanding of being a Christian (yes, bit if sarcasm there!!!) but then I realized a few's all a learning curve and really I just misused the word 'proud'. Pride is the wrong word...and should be the wrong word to use....when talking about my relationship with God. Pride, in some faiths, is a sin or a way to separate yourself from God. But do I think that God is HAPPY with me, do I think that I am bring Him joy... hmmmm...would it be prideful if I said yes??? I don't know, I'm new to this whole world of doing the right the thing in the name of God and actually believing and knowing that you are doing that. But I do believe that if I have the best of intentions, if I am not doing something for reasons that are not entirely honest or respectful and that I am not doing something for self satisfaction, attention and recognition but rather for the good of the world, to help others, to bring awareness to issues and most of all to give back and say thanks (and that's not just to Mt. Sinai for the lifesaving surgery that was done to save my sons but also to God who created that place, those doctors, the technology and of course my sons Cole and Cameron) than I am bringing joy to God and I am saying thanks to him. I really believe that He is putting this part of my journey here, that He is in control of this part of my destiny. I believe He is guiding me to help others travel the world of TTTS and other fetal distress disorders.
But do I care if anyone notices....not anymore.... if I am invisible, well that's okay because I know He's watching and He's bringing me to it.
As a mom I am building the most amazing cathedrals, the most amazing testaments to His kids are proof that God makes amazing things and performs miracles and I'll do whatever it takes to build them up in His glory. And I will do what it takes to build myself too and to do things to give back and to thank Him for all He's given me.
No one needs to know, no one needs to's just between Him and I.