A friend shared this poem on facebook and it really struck a chord with me. I've been thinking of Cole a lot lately...the days of wondering what if are back again. Cameron is so very busy, so very happy and excited and full of energy lately and I really find myself wondering what it would be like to be chasing two of them around. I saw my friends set of twin boys playing in the front yard the other night as we went for a walk and I just teared up. It's just so darn hard some days. Another wonderful friend wrote about me the other day on her blog. She told our story and pointed out that being 'just another mom' can be so much more, that experienced moms will say they've seen it all and in the last 2 years I have gained more experience than most will in a lifetime. I just wish I wasn't joined by so many other TTTS moms in gaining this experience and I wish gaining the experience didn't have to hurt so much.
And yet at the same time I know that I wouldn't take away this experience for anything....
These are My Footprints
"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart,
cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."
My cousin Debbie once told me that those moments that choke me up the most are the moments when Cole is saying hi. Just like the footprints I can hear in the rain are my angels tears.
Missing you today, this day filled with daffodils and tulips picked by your brothers, bike rides and stroller rides and sloppy sweet baby kisses, missing you so sweet angel boy.