Amazed…have you ever really appreciated that word for all that it can mean. I mean truly and utterly amazed. The dictionary defines it as
1. To affect with great wonder; astonish
2. To bewilder; perplex
3. filled with the emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock
My life has caused me many occasions to be filled great wonder and astonishment and most certainly to be bewildered and perplexed. But right now amazement is coming in the form of being filled with the
emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock.
I have just spent the last little while finally printing off the pages from our caring bridge site that we used during the time I spent in hospital keeping Cameron safe inside and coping with the loss of Cole as best I could. I decided to print the guest book as well and that is where the AMAZED feeling came in. Do you want to guess how many pages were there….how many entries??? 95 pages…NINETY FIVE!!!! And as I read them over I was amazed and filled with emotion. (and just to put it into perspective, the entries I made..that were typical of me, wordy, totaled about 60 pages when printed). Reading what I wrote in the journal is hard and emotional but it doesn’t begin to touch on the feelings I get when I read what people wrote to me. People who love me and can care for me and my family spoke about how much my writing affected them…but those who hardly know me touched me almost as much. I can’t even begin to cut and paste the ones the touched me the most…there are just so many. I am so truly blessed to have had so many great supporters. The words that were shared with me are…well amazing. Encouragement, prayers, stories and updates and most importantly words of love and support. Wow…just nothing else I can write about it and that says so much in itself!
The journey seems so long ago now…well that part of it anyway. But the amazement…that just never goes away. I am amazed in the bewilder and perplexed manner too much still…..I still can’t understand why this happened to us and why it’s so hard to let go of. I don’t think that part is ever going to go away, the hurt has diminished…that I will admit. Now it’s just kind of dull ache that comes on most when I read things like this, see ultrasound pictures of them both and share our story. There’s a hint of sadness in everything I do and some days I just hate that and other days It’s just a wonderful reminder of the son who has given us so much.
Most of all I am amazed in the great wonder and astonishment sense though. My family and friends amaze me with their support for us in our fundraising efforts. I can’t wait for the event, I can’t wait to share the joy and hope that Mt. Sinai gave us with others. I can’t wait to be amazed at the dollar value on the big cheque that we will present to Dr. Ryan.
And when I read the guestbook entries I continue to be amazed at how many people care, comment, know our story and supported us… and continue to do so. When I have a bad day and reveal it, someone is always there to help me pick up the pieces. Some of the most amazing supporters who amaze me the most are the other TTTS moms like me. Now that is an amazing group of women.
And I guess I would be lying if I don’t’ admit that I amaze myself too…in both the great wonder and astonishment kind of way and the bewilder and shock kind of way. I read the things I wrote and I think…wow, I can really write and express myself. I think, wow, how did I survive that intact and sane. I think, wow, I really impacted a lot of lives. And I am amazed at my continuing desire to help and serve God through what I truly feel is His plan for me in all of this…to share my story, my journey of faith through it, my ability to help others and raise funds and awareness and to grow and be stronger.
But most of all I am amazed at the amazing little boys that Cameron and Cole are. Cameron has survived so much and is just such wonderful, joyful child to be around. And to me, that is a testament to who Cole is as well…there is so much to Cameron that I know for certain that Cole lives there inside of him too. And tomorrow, as Cameron goes under anesthetic (for tubes in his ears) I know that the amazing child that is my Cole will protect his brother and keep him safe. I am so very blessed to have this reminders of God’s amazing miracles!
P.S. I’ve been told I should write a book and I just might do that….but have no idea where to go with that so any comments or recommendations…well they are totally appreciated!