About 4 hours after my last posting my husband called me over to the computer and said you've GOT to see this. Expecting some stupid joke or some inane video of some idiot doing something stupid I was quite surprised when the video revealed a message that echoed my thoughts of the last entry almost exactly.
The video is entitled 'The Invisible Woman' and before I get to posting it I wanted to share my thoughts on it. I sent it out to a few people who I wanted to see it and whom I felt needed to hear my thoughts about it. This is the message I sent out with it....
'When I watched this I cried because it made me realize something that I needed to share with you all. You see there are times that I question myself and the things I do. There are times I wonder if anyone sees me but more than that there are many times lately that I wonder if anyone can see the reasons I do things. I've realized in the last few days, and especially after watching this, that there indeed is someone who sees why I do things and is the reason why I do them. So it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks I am doing whatever I might be doing for.... I'm not doing it for you....'
But I realize now that I still don't 'get it' completely (okay I realize it with some help from my wonderful Aunt Sheila who pointed some things out to me). You see I used the phrase 'I'm sure He's proud of me' when I mentioned my fundraising project to her and she pointed out that God isn't proud of us when we do things that WE think are the right things to do. Instead He is proud of us when we bring him Joy...when we speak his name and praise Him, when we share his message, his love, his light with others.
At first I thought 'wow did I screw that one up'...me and my misunderstanding of being a Christian (yes, bit if sarcasm there!!!) but then I realized a few things....it's all a learning curve and really I just misused the word 'proud'. Pride is the wrong word...and should be the wrong word to use....when talking about my relationship with God. Pride, in some faiths, is a sin or a way to separate yourself from God. But do I think that God is HAPPY with me, do I think that I am bring Him joy... hmmmm...would it be prideful if I said yes??? I don't know, I'm new to this whole world of doing the right the thing in the name of God and actually believing and knowing that you are doing that. But I do believe that if I have the best of intentions, if I am not doing something for reasons that are not entirely honest or respectful and that I am not doing something for self satisfaction, attention and recognition but rather for the good of the world, to help others, to bring awareness to issues and most of all to give back and say thanks (and that's not just to Mt. Sinai for the lifesaving surgery that was done to save my sons but also to God who created that place, those doctors, the technology and of course my sons Cole and Cameron) than I am bringing joy to God and I am saying thanks to him. I really believe that He is putting this part of my journey here, that He is in control of this part of my destiny. I believe He is guiding me to help others travel the world of TTTS and other fetal distress disorders.
But do I care if anyone notices....not anymore.... if I am invisible, well that's okay because I know He's watching and He's bringing me to it.
As a mom I am building the most amazing cathedrals, the most amazing testaments to His love...my kids are proof that God makes amazing things and performs miracles and I'll do whatever it takes to build them up in His glory. And I will do what it takes to build myself too and to do things to give back and to thank Him for all He's given me.
No one needs to know, no one needs to notice...it's just between Him and I.