Saturday, March 27, 2010

The right reasons

I've been debating about writing this blog long enough and decided that it was time to put my words on 'paper' and stop complaining and venting to everyone.
Sometimes I feel so misunderstood but in all honesty I think I misunderstand myself a lot too. Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, sometimes it looks like I am doing them for different reasons than I am and sometimes I really am right on track (well in my mind anyway!!!)
Those who have read my blog from the first day I started it know that I have always felt that we (meaning Geoff and I) have wanted to give back to Mt. Sinai, the place that diagnosed our TTTS, treated it and ultimately saved Cameron's life with the fetal surgery (only place in Canada that you can get it) and the blood transfusion (very few places in Canada do these on an unborn fetus). For a long time it was just too hard to be in the right place to start planning this. I didn't want our fundraiser to be all about 'preserving Cole's memory' and filled with emotion. I needed to be ready to deal with the reality of what happened to our boys, to answer the questions and explain what happened and why Mt. Sinai is such an amazing place. I wanted it to be all about raising funds for a place that raises hope for families.
And so the plans began to take shape late last fall. We wanted to do something different, not just the usual dance and silent auction. We thought a casino night would be lots of fun but when we looked into it we found out it was impossible the way we planned to do it. After a lot of waiting for answers and unreturned emails we finally had a plan, a location and a unique event.
A retro wedding themed costume dance with a silent auction and tons of neat ideas of games to play and things to do to raise extra money.
And I feel great about least I think I do. Unfortunately though someone has planted a seed in my head that maybe I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. That maybe this isn't a good idea, that maybe I shouldn't be holding an event to get people to give money to this place that means so much to me. Self-doubt reigns supreme in Jodie's world at the best of times and now I think that maybe my whole event will be a big flop and I'll look like an idiot...that maybe I really don't have family and friends who support me and what I thought was this great idea, great thing I was doing.
And maybe that's the whole thing.... it's not about Me, about what I think or about a thing I am doing. People have to do this, some to our event because they believe it is a good idea, a good place to put their money. My only job is to help show them what a wonderful place Mt. Sinai is.... and the only way I can do that is for Me to talk about it, Me to hold the event and bring the issue of fetal distress out in the open.
For the most part I am in such a good place about what has happened, about the miracle that is Cole and Cameron and about the tragic loss of my sweet baby boy. I feel so good about how far I've come and what I've been able to achieve. I feel motivated to help any way I can. I know I've made a difference already, we are so very blessed to have a name sake for our Cole living half a world away, born on his birthday, to prove it. I helped someone and that is a great feeling. Cole helped someone, was someone's guardian angel again and that is an even better feeling.
And planning this event is a good feeling too. I can't let the lack of understanding and support of the event by some defer me from to good work I am doing, the difference I am making.
And so I will focus on the work ahead. On making this the best that I can, being as organized as I can, getting as many items for the auction, as many fun games, as many fun ways to raise funds. And hopefully the people will come. Wasn't that line from Field of Dreams "if you build it, they will come". Well I am about to build a fun night, a night of raising funds while raising hopes. And darn it all THEY WILL COME!!!
And just to reassure myself that I really am doing this for the right reason I have to share yet again another quote from an article I read this week. This article spoke to me on so many levels but mostly it showed me that doing this event is another way to honour Cole, to preserve his memory all while moving forward because although our lives were changed forever on December 13/08, our lives did not stop that day....
"It needs to be said at the outset that life will never again be the same. Evidence of the tear in the fabric of one's life remains even once mended. That is not to say that people should grieve endlessly. Rather, a process of mourning must occur, the outcome of which is to find a place within to preserve the person lost, freeing up the survivors to go on."

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