Monday, March 15, 2010

Things that make you go hmmmmm....

I wish what I was writing about today was about happy things that make you go hmmmm or weird things but really it's about the things that make me wonder things about life, about myself and about others.
It's been a week of unrest and disbelief in the small community we live in here. Last week an unbelievable tragedy occurred 10 minutes from our house. I found myself thinking constantly of Officer Pham's family, of those sweet boys he leaves behind, of his loving wife and of his community. For those who read this (does anyone actually read this or do I just babble here for me.... let me know if you do, I am curious, I admit it) and don't know where I live or grew up this tragedy happened very close to my current home and this wonderful man who died in the line of duty lived in the community next to the one I grew up in and where I went to highschool. It just hits so close to home and just makes me think about so many things.
Life is so very precious and so impossible to forecast. We do not know each day what will happen nor can we worry about it. We must live each day to the fullest, we must cherish all the little things and not worry about the things we can't control. That is for God to do, we have to put our faith in him.
The memories we have afterwards, after a tragedy, after a crisis but more importantly after a life, a love, a blessing, a joyful event...a miracle.... those are the things to cherish and to honour.
God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December. James M. Barrie
I live for those memories of Cole somedays. They are all I have. I have memories of the day I learned I was carrying twins, of the joy I felt in telling others and planning for their arrival. I have memories of seeing not one but two little miracles bouncing around inside of me. I remember the first movements and the knowledge that it could be any one of 4 limbs moving in their. But most of all I remember the excitement and the joy I felt at being picked to be a part of this unique club - mom of identical twins. What a gift from God they were, how lucky I was.
There will always be memories of the sad times, the TTTS journey and the day we learned Cole had passed away. I will forever remember the day I welcomed him into the world and wished he wasn't so still. But I need to focus on the joyful is the only way to cope and the only way it all makes sense in my head.
For a long time I wasn't able to be so joyful and I was so very angry. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments where I remember everything that made me angry. So much of that anger was tied up in what I realized later was the need to forgive others. It's a hard thing to do, to forgive those who have hurt you. Heather Pham said "God forgives all and hoped that others would offer their forgiveness as well". She is so right. God forgives all and so must must I. I had the hardest time forgiving myself I think. It was tough to admit that what held me back the most from moving on was the guilt I felt at how I reacted when I learned about the twins growing inside of me. But I have come to terms with that, I have forgiven myself, and I dwell now on the memories of the excitement, the joy and the happiness I had at the gift I was given.
I hope that everyone can learn from someone of faith like Heather Pham, her family and her church community. They should inspire us all to be better people and to live as God wishes us to.
Another quote came to mind as I was typing this
"The true voyage of self-discovery lies not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes" Marcel Proust
Such a truth he speaks.
I have discovered more about myself through the gifts that are Cameron and Cole than I ever though imaginable. But it really isn't about finding a new place to be, a new group of friends who understands you for what you've been through or accepts you for what you are, it's not about finding where you fit in or even learning from what you've been through. It truly is 'having new eyes' and seeing the world in a different way. Not changing that world, not even necessarily changing yourself though the self-discovery journey usually does do this. But opening your eyes to what is there in front of you, to what you have, what you hold, who you are. Appreciating it all, seeing the joy, the love, the wonderment. That's what it is, that's what it's become for me.
Knowing that life is so very precious and I can't focus on silly little things (like seriously Jodie you can't be upset that people stopped reading your blog, that people who used to call a lot don't, that so many friends and relationships have changed) because it's all in how I look at it...not with negative eyes, not with angry eyes, not with eyes that can't forgive but with eyes wide open, seeing myself for who I am and who I've become, changing what needs to be changed and blaming no one but myself. My new eyes might need glasses from time to time but they are helping me to see what really is important!

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