Sunday, February 28, 2010

How'd I do...

Hmmmm....good question. How'd I make out surviving the first birthday of my sweet boys...the day I remember with such bittersweet emotions, the day I said hello to two and goodbye to one.
Well it was actually not too bad. My emotions were high in the morning but my mom called and came, with my sister in law and nephew to spend the day with us. We went and got Cameron's birthday pictures taken and then had lunch.
Lunch probably had my only other emotional moments but they were kept entirely hidden. You see my nephew was born 3 weeks after Cameron. My mom, and entire family, planned for these THREE babies to share close birthdays and grow up together. I say my mom because she was the shopper Grandma who bought 3 of everything for her grandbabies. At lunch Cameron and Joel sat together and made a huge mess!!!! It was hard to watch them together and awesome too.
When we had cake that night...see photos below...I expected to tear up, expected to have trouble singing Happy Birthday. But that didn't happen, not then and not when we've had cake and singing any of the 3 times we have for this special birthday. I had thought I'd NEED to send a sky lantern up to Cole in Heaven for his birthday but it just didn't seem as important as it did back in December.
I don't know why this is but I suspect it is because we lost Cole 11 weeks before his birthday and though I know that this should have been his birthday, should have been the day I welcomed them both into the world with great joy I think my heart really feels like Cole never had a birthday. We never got to plan for a joyful arrival day, we knew for 11 weeks that we would welcome our still and silent son. It hurt so much but it was reality. So many of my TTTS mommy pals did welcome two babes into the world, they did have 2 birthdays to celebrate...and unfortunately a few days later they have an angelversary to celebrate.
Part of me will always have some sadness on my twins birthday but I think the joy outweighs the sorrow. Cameron brings sunshine and happiness to everyone he meets and has brought immense joy to my life. I need to celebrate his day for the miracle it is. It came so close to not happening, and so so so very close to not happening in February for sure. The progression of the TTTS was so rapid that another 3-4 hours without the surgery could certainly have meant death for him. It definitely would have meant permanent disability....there were so many large vessels connected our boys that the drop in blood pressure would NEVER have produce anything but catastrophic results. Cameron was severely anemic after the loss of Cole...this too could have had horrible outcomes but was caught and fixed right away. My water broke 3 weeks later when Cameron was definitely at micro-preemie size (he was 650 grams...not even really on the charts yet for growth). Had he been born then he would have been on intense breathing support, he would have endured trial after trial in the NICU and would very likely have had some negative outcomes.
But God is good and his (and our)angel Cole is good...and Cameron was absolutely and perfectly fine when he arrived 54 days later. God is amazing and performs such amazing miracles. He rewards us for our faithfulness and trust. He promises to be with us, to protect us and to bring us home to Him and all our loved ones in Heaven...all we need to do is believe.
Well I believe, I have Hope and Faith, and I know, one day, I will celebrate this birthday in Heaven with this perfect son of mine after having celebrated years of birthdays with this perfect son of mine on Earth.

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