Monday, February 22, 2010

The Ups and the Downs

I had no idea what to use a title for this entry. It’s been a few weeks since I blogged and the last time I did I was writing about the possibility that maybe my desire to help others and obsession with all things TTTS was maybe not the healthiest thing I could be doing.
And then I seemed to disappear from the face of the earth…well the cyber earth anyway. I’ve been back to work for 2 weeks and am home today for a specialist appointment for Cameron and then the weather got crappy so I came home instead of going in this afternoon.
And so hear I am at the computer again and I have so many thoughts in my head.
It’s been an okay transition back to work. I am doing a good job I think and feel valued and successful there. But the stress level of managing things here and working has been a bit high…but we’ll get through this.
The stress level at work was high last week too….and I had part of an afternoon full of tears and emotions. I was sitting in one of the classes I support when I realized that there very likely was a set of twins in the class as there were 2 girls celebrating their birthdays on Friday (the 19th). As I looked around the room hoping to figure out who these two girls were I identified one of them but couldn’t find the other. The first one left the room and a few minutes later I saw her enter it again…. And then a few minutes later she entered again???? Yup you guessed it, not just twins but identical twins.
I spent the next half hour staring at them, watching them interact with each other and with their friends and teacher. I was full of emotion and trying so hard not to lose it. I finally gave in and left the room and had myself a big ol cry in the staff bathroom. I felt stupid and embarrassed and so very alone. It is so hard to be in a new place where no one really knows you and none of them ‘lived’ it with me like my old staff. I had no one to turn to, no one to give me a hug when I really needed one. In the end though I did okay. I talked to the teacher later and she was so wonderfully kind and understanding…and totally expects that it’ll happen again…and she’s cool with that.
Knowing that was my reaction, I know that I am going to be filled with emotion on Friday when I celebrate the day I welcomed my sons into this world….and therefore plan to stay home and protect myself and my mental health….and enjoy the moments with my kids.
Ironically I have to add this info to the twins who just had a birthday...they were born Feb. 19 and weighed about 4lbs. They were due April 3rd. Where is the irony??? Cameron and Cole were born on Feb. 26th (one week later than the girls) and were due April 9th (one week later than the girls due date) and Cameron weighed 4lbs 1.5 oz. Bizarre eh!!!

And now back to the positives…the ups. I have discovered one of the reasons I am drawn to TTTS mom’s and the sites I visit….because I do make a difference and so do my boys and the story of their journey. A few months ago I connected with a woman in England named Tara through facebook. Her boys were not doing well, she was only about 22 weeks and had had the surgery but it was believed to not be a success. It looked like TTTS was reversing and it also looked like her donor, Noah, would not survive. When we first connected (she requested my friendship) I had no idea what to say to her or to her comments. She was blunt about how hard my life must have been and still is and that she didn’t know how she’d go on if and when she lost Noah. She didn’t understand my faith and didn’t really believe in God. She felt that He couldn’t be great if he allowed these things to happen to us.
I explained how my faith grew because it HAD to. That I had to believe that Cole was in God’s arms, that he was at peace and that I would see him again. I told her that I knew Cole had kept Cameron safe and that I felt that Cole and God wanted me on this TTTS journey.
We continued to chat frequently and really connected. Last night we chatted on facebook and she told me that she plans to name her donor, her little baby who needed the help of my angel, Noah Cole. And yup, I cried, and I am crying now. And right now, at less than 29 weeks gestation, Noah and Jack are likely on their way to the world as Tara went into labour a few hours after she told me this heartwarming news about honoring my little angel.
And so that is why I am the TTTS mommy I am. I need to be there, I need to make a difference and I know my angel son does too…he has a purpose and a job too!!!

One last thing…a quote I found…
The true voyage of self discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. Marcel Post.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jodie,
    Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. This whole journey can feel so lonely. It's nice to have the understanding and support of others who are going through it too. Not a road anyone chooses, but we have to try to make the best of it. Thinking of you this week.