I've had numerous conversations with others lately about what some might call an obsession...personally I call it a compulsion....seems a nicer word don't you think???
Anyway, this compulsion seems to take me back to near the start of this blog and the topic of hiding from your loss. I realized when I went back and read the first and second devotions that I did that I really haven't moved very far in my desire to heal and move forward....and yet I am so far from where I was back then.
You see the problem seems to be that I spend hours (and yes I do mean hours) reading blogs, talking to online TTTS moms, dads and specialists. I research treatments, I follow others journeys and I never go more than a few hours without checking the message boards where new moms just diagnosed go for help. I made a comment to Geoff that I can't seem to stop doing it, that I want to go there and find others that I can help by telling our story to them. His response...don't you think it's odd that you feel you need to share our story over and over again.
No, I don't....well not until someone else points it out to me.
Another mom who also lost one of her twins but isn't part of my 'online' group of friends...rather she's a real life friend who doesn't grieve as publicly as me...and seems to have moved on so much better than I have... said that she thinks returning to work is the answer...cutting myself off by eliminating the time in a day that I have for this kind of behaviour might be what I need.
Sometimes what I think I need is a good stiff drink...and a good shot of reality. Because reality is what brings us back to earth. It centers us and helps to guide us to what really matters. My family is suffering because of my online obsession and likely so are my friendships. This may very well be the reason that I am struggling with connecting with my friends so much....because they seem so lacking in the understanding compared to those online. But the online ones can only help me so far with reality. They aren't here to help me get kids ready for bed when I've been online too long, they can't rub my sons back when he's upset because mommy hasn't picked him up...she's too busy typing. And they can't give me hugs and hold me as I cry on a bad day...they can reach out all they want but they can't physically be here when all I need is a hug.
And so it is time to say goodbye, somewhat anyway, to that life. I love facebook too much to walk away from it but it is going to be limited. The message boards have been deleted from my favourites list... if I want to go to them I will have to spend the time to go looking for them. I will, I know, but it won't be as easy nor will I allow myself to do it anywhere near as often.
But the trouble is I am not sure if this is what I am supposed to be doing. Don't get me wrong, I know my family needs to come first, I know I am not giving enough to them sometimes. I have one week left of maternity leave and it needs to be all about my kids this week. But like I said, I'm not sure if this is what I am supposed to be doing.
I read a book to Brycen the other night called Bagels from Benny. The story is about a little Jewish boy whose Grandfather makes the best bagels and always says to those who thank him for them "why thank me". This confuses Benny until his Grandfather explains that all the ingredients in the bagels come from God and so people should thank God for bagels. Benny tries to thank God for the bagels but he isn't sure that God understands or hears him so he comes up with a great but secret plan to thank God for the bagels. Each Friday he takes a huge sac of them and places them in the Holy Ark at his synagogue. (now not being Jewish I can only assume that this is similar to the tabernacle in a Catholic church...a sacred and holy place that only the men of the cloth and those chosen by them are to touch). He tells God that he's brought him some bagels to thank him because "I know you make them but you never taste them because Grandpa sells every last one". He comes back on Saturday hoping that God had liked the bagels and is delighted when every last bagel is gone from the sacred Holy Ark. And so he continues to bring him a bag of bagels each Friday for weeks. Eventually he learns that a poor man living on the street has been eating them. This man comes in and thanks God for providing these bagels for him, for helping to feed him when he was so very hungry. He tells the Lord that he is grateful for the help the Lord gave him and he promises to help others. Benny made the world a better place by thanking the Lord.
And this is what I mean by not knowing for sure if walking away from the message boards and the people I've helped (and I know I have, they thank me all the time for the advice I give, the words of inspiration I share and the hope I instill in them) is the right thing to do. People helped me get through the worst time of my life. People like Tammy and Lonnie at Fetal Hope, like Kim and so many others at the TTTS Foundation, and Alicia, Angy, Kim, Jessica,Ali, Bethany, Michelle, Joanne, Shelley, Holly and so many others on facebook. Those people held my hand through cyber space, they gave me cyber hugs and they gave me hope. They showed me that all is not lost, that there is a future, there is HOPE! They helped me and now I feel I must help others. I want to thank the Lord for all that He has given me, I want to make the world a better place by thanking God.
Finding the balance is the key...finding the perfect number of bagels to give and the right amount to keep at home for my kids and family...well I guess that is a secret that only God knows. I just hope He helps me to find the answer.