With Hope - Steven Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
Does this song not just say it all? I found it by accident online and listen to it many times a day. Each time I feel so close to Cole, I feel his touch and his breath on my skin...it's that comforting. It's just what I needed right now.
I've done a lot of thinking since I was so negative last week. I realize so much how unfair I've been by blaming others and feeling so abandoned. WE make our journey, not other people. If people can't take this journey with me than it is THEIR loss, not mine. I will miss them but I need to focus on the here and now, not the past and my wishful feelings that I could live in a time where those friends were there with me. Nor can I change the past and keep Cole with me. I also can't live for the future and worry about it. That's for God and Jesus to do...worry for me, to take my worries and comfort me. I can't change the future either though I can affect it by my actions now. I can make people feel uncomfortable and unconnected to me by how I act now..which chases them out of my life in the future.
Instead I must live for now, for the love of my friends each day NOW. For the love of my family NOW and most of all for the love of Zack, Brycen, Cameron and Geoff NOW.
Now in saying that I will live for one part of my future...the Hope I have for the time when I will see Cole again, hold him in my arms and tell him how much he was and is loved. I can tell him that each day too, he hears me, I know he does. He feels my love in the extra hugs and kisses his twin gets from me. (okay so the kid might be a bit spoiled, what can I say). The life I live here on earth will reflect my journey back to him and to God. Being positive, helping others, finding a focus and purpose for the journey Twin to Twin Transfusion put us on will bring me closer to him.
I can and will live my life 'with Hope'.
Love you baby boy!