Where did who go right? Well the last few days I have been filled with feelings of being lost, detached and unconnected to my friends...or atleast those who I thought were my friends. And for any of my 'real life friends', I apologize if this sounds hurtful...if you are reading this you likely aren't who I am talking about! And just a warning this entry isn't full of hope and optimism like I often write about...I am very down today and just need to vent.
This all comes about after some conversations about the changes in relationships in my life and why those changes happen. I know that over time our friendships often change but right now I feel like I don't have any friends. Not often does anyone call just to chat, no one ever invites us/me over for a visit, a drink, a coffee, a BREAK!!! The people who we spent so many weekends with a few years ago...well with some of them it seems that if I don't call them then we never talk and others it just never works to get together.
I don't know how else to describe this self pitying feeling I have other than abandoned. A year ago I had people who called, sent messages and came to see me everyday. Now I am lucky if I hear from people other than my husband for days or weeks on end.
Another friend, when telling her about this feeling, said that when she had her miscarriage she found that once she stopped talking about it first thing people talked to her more and eventually talked to her more about it when it fit into the conversation.
Well that's a great and fine and dandy but unfortunately my loss stares me in the face each and every day. He looks at me with adoration, he smiles and laughs, hugs and snuggles and loves me for everything that I am still...a wonderful mommy. But he is also the not so gentle reminder that I lost his beautiful identical twin and that I don't know where I fit in anymore...and no one seems to care!
Yes I am feeling sorry for myself today and I just don't care who knows it. Why do people have to change? Why do we have so many friends when were in the midst of a tragedy...why does a crisis draw a crowd that disappears when you still need them?
I just don't know how to make or keep friends right now. I am so sorry that I want to talk about my sons and the miracle that they are. I am sorry that I can't stop talking about my son in Heaven, I am so sorry that I am sad sometimes, worried about my sweet survivor others and still obsessed by all the things twin. And just in case you missed the sarcasm...I am not sorry one damned bit. I just HATE that I am so lonely right now and if I knew for certain that I'd find real friends if I could let go of those feelings than maybe I'd be able to. But I'm not sure if that's what the problem is.
I still can't read the stories of survivors without cringing or simply walking away and not bothering. Why can't I just be happy for those who don't have to go through this? Why can't I just be happy that I am not part of the group that lost both their babies? Why can't I just be happy period???
Why do I have to feel so all alone?
God I know you are listening, you are always my friend, always here no matter what my mood is. And it's wonderful that you are but I am asking today for some help in finding my way back to 'normal'. Help me to reconnect with my friends, help me to find those who do understand that some days are just horrible and please send some sign or someone to help me feel connected, loved and happy once again.