Where did who go right? Well the last few days I have been filled with feelings of being lost, detached and unconnected to my friends...or atleast those who I thought were my friends. And for any of my 'real life friends', I apologize if this sounds hurtful...if you are reading this you likely aren't who I am talking about! And just a warning this entry isn't full of hope and optimism like I often write about...I am very down today and just need to vent.
This all comes about after some conversations about the changes in relationships in my life and why those changes happen. I know that over time our friendships often change but right now I feel like I don't have any friends. Not often does anyone call just to chat, no one ever invites us/me over for a visit, a drink, a coffee, a BREAK!!! The people who we spent so many weekends with a few years ago...well with some of them it seems that if I don't call them then we never talk and others it just never works to get together.
I don't know how else to describe this self pitying feeling I have other than abandoned. A year ago I had people who called, sent messages and came to see me everyday. Now I am lucky if I hear from people other than my husband for days or weeks on end.
Another friend, when telling her about this feeling, said that when she had her miscarriage she found that once she stopped talking about it first thing people talked to her more and eventually talked to her more about it when it fit into the conversation.
Well that's a great and fine and dandy but unfortunately my loss stares me in the face each and every day. He looks at me with adoration, he smiles and laughs, hugs and snuggles and loves me for everything that I am still...a wonderful mommy. But he is also the not so gentle reminder that I lost his beautiful identical twin and that I don't know where I fit in anymore...and no one seems to care!
Yes I am feeling sorry for myself today and I just don't care who knows it. Why do people have to change? Why do we have so many friends when were in the midst of a tragedy...why does a crisis draw a crowd that disappears when you still need them?
I just don't know how to make or keep friends right now. I am so sorry that I want to talk about my sons and the miracle that they are. I am sorry that I can't stop talking about my son in Heaven, I am so sorry that I am sad sometimes, worried about my sweet survivor others and still obsessed by all the things twin. And just in case you missed the sarcasm...I am not sorry one damned bit. I just HATE that I am so lonely right now and if I knew for certain that I'd find real friends if I could let go of those feelings than maybe I'd be able to. But I'm not sure if that's what the problem is.
I still can't read the stories of survivors without cringing or simply walking away and not bothering. Why can't I just be happy for those who don't have to go through this? Why can't I just be happy that I am not part of the group that lost both their babies? Why can't I just be happy period???
Why do I have to feel so all alone?
God I know you are listening, you are always my friend, always here no matter what my mood is. And it's wonderful that you are but I am asking today for some help in finding my way back to 'normal'. Help me to reconnect with my friends, help me to find those who do understand that some days are just horrible and please send some sign or someone to help me feel connected, loved and happy once again.
Jodie,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a while, I found it through Chloe's. I also have an angel and a survivor. I understand the overwhelming grief that you are faced with. Most people will never know. I found a lot of help through grief counseling. It was a nice place for me to talk about Zoe without worrying about how it made others feel. Eventually, I didn't need to talk about her so much. Maybe the reason you talk about your angel so much is that you are afraid he will be forgotten. Your angel will NEVER be forgotten, he lives on in your heart and in his brother. You might also feel guilty like I did, guilty that you couldn't save him too. You will come to realize that you did nothing wrong.
I have made it my 2010 resolution to focus on the positive. Anytime I catch myself feeling sorry for myself and hating the outcome, I remind myself that I could be one message board over with the mothers who lost both their babies. Every time I feel upset, I take a step back and tell myself to be grateful for Ava because at the end of the day, if I knew going into my pregnancy that I would only go home with one baby I would do it all again in an instant. Ava is worth it all. She is worth having lost her sister. And besides, Ava is so much happier when I am happy. I know it is hard and it hurts, but your survivor needs you to be strong. Everyone's pain is different, but it doesn't mean that one person hurts more or less. People grieve differently, and it seems like you grieve in a public way. I grieve privately. Anyway, it is okay to be happy! It is okay to not feel guilty about your angel! It is okay to grieve, you don't need permission. Just remember when you feel really upset that your feelings are okay. Sorry for the ramble. I jsut know how hard some days can be.
Jen