Monday, April 12, 2010

I try not to push my views of Christianity on others and try to respect the views of those who don’t believe. I understand how tragedy can challenge your faith especially if you don’t have much or any faith anyway. I’ve been pondering the views of others for about a week now as I have recently read some postings of other moms on one of the support forums I participate in. For the moms who have lost both their babes….well I can’t imagine the pain and I can relate to the feelings of anger that they must feel. But I really am surprised at some of what I’ve read and I’m not really sure why I am.
They have posted about their lack of faith….
I am not a religious person (never was), and did not "find God" in all of this. I think if I did believe in God beforehand I certainly wouldn't now. I know people find comfort in that, and that's fine, but personally I don't.

I too am not religious and never really was. The last thing I wanted to hear was how "God has a plan...blah blah" So many times I wanted to say F that, I am glad his plan was to take my babies away from me. I mean I know I am no angel, but no one deserves that.

It breaks my heart that others feel this pain and react this way. I want to reach out but I am not confident enough that my words would have any impact. I find it so surprising that people can feel this way and say these things. I know how angry I was, how confused and hurt. I wondered why all the time and even wondered if God felt I couldn’t handle this ‘twin ness’ or perhaps that I had wished it upon myself but not being overjoyed initially about the news of twins.
The thing is, for me, I had no choice but to believe in God in this and that this had all happened for a reason that I wasn’t meant to understand until I get to Heaven. If I didn’t believe in God than I didn’t believe in Heaven….and therefore I would NEVER see my son, Cole, again. And I live for the day that I reach Paradise and can hold that baby in my arms again, too see him in his glory, to tell him again how much he means to me and how his life was and is so very valuable.
And maybe that’s the most baffling part of this…that some of these people write what I posted above and yet write this too….
How was I suppose to explain where her brothers where to a 3 1/2 year old. To this day she tells everyone that she has two brothers in heaven. Part of me loves that she accepts them as her brothers, part of me hates that she tells people because I hate the pity look. She sends balloons to them any chance she gets, so that is really nice.
Isn’t that contradictory? How can you say that you don’t believe, aren’t religious and don’t believe God has a plan for all of us and yet be so comforted by sending balloons up to Heaven…and believing your children are there.
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I lost both of my twins, if Cameron had joined Cole in heaven. It would shatter me but I know that as hard as it would be, as hard as it is, God does bring me comfort. He does have a plan though I do not believe He WANTED to take Cole from us, that maybe wasn’t part of the plan.
But instead of being so angry and hurt I needed, as do I feel others do, to turn to God and ask him to comfort me, to take away my pain, to show me that I would see Cole again.
I remember when I first ‘met’ my online friend Tara we spoke about her feelings on the subject….

I’ve noticed you speak of God a few times. I have had mixed feelings on the subject of if I believe or not and even to what side he really plays with us. I have to ask, am I being tested? What could I possibly have done that makes my babies have to pay the price? Did you feel like you were being played with? Dangled hope in front of you and having someone threat to change everything. I can only imagine that after all you have been through you must have a huge hole in you somewhere or that to look as strong as you did you fill that whole with some short term answer? Thats what I’d do. I’d be fine from the outside for so long convincing the people not only am I getting better but moving on too. but in time I’d end up being a loaded weapon aimed at myself. if God is real he must by now know thats what I’d do. I don’t see what God is doing with me and matt as pro active. You could realy lose yourself in this kind of talk couldnt you. sorry :) i know i sound so negative on the subject of God but I believe we go somewhere when we die. I dont know where but I believe we do go. I noticed someone wrote a comment on your pics. saying that her boy and Cole are playing together. I need to believe that so much. if my boys don’t get to meet there mummy and daddy I need to believe that they didnt just stop existing. I need to believe that they get a second chance somewhere safe and loving.

And now Tara is a believer…well I think she and Matt both are. They truly believe that God sent Cole and I to be there for them…Cole to hold their boys hands and me to provide comfort and strength. Their boys were born on Cole and Cameron’s birthday and one of their boys is named after Cole. You can’t tell me that isn’t God’s work, that He didn’t intervene and bring our families together. I made an impact in their lives but they made one in mine too. I had not been able to really face mom’s of identical twins that were survivors yet but Tara and Matt and their boys touched my life too and I now consider them dear and special friends.
So I have to believe in God, in Heaven, in life after death, in the resurrection of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins. I have to believe that if I live a good life, treat people fairly, believe in God and praise him that I will see my son again. And how others who’ve lost can’t see this….I don’t know. I don’t know where their Hope comes from but mine comes from God.

Wow this was a pretty deep entry…but it’s something that’s been bugging me for a week or more and I just had to write about it…maybe someone reading this needs to see the two sides of the coin and maybe, just maybe, God will have one more believer.

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