tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16912383029216014632024-02-19T02:41:57.626-08:00Life is a Journey ...Thru Grief, Hope, Dreams, Love and the blessings of God.. I am moving ahead after Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome changed me forever.Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.comBlogger368125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-59350766662415973792023-12-13T05:03:00.000-08:002023-12-13T05:03:37.495-08:00Tears of Peace<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRPSsYMnOqypYcXY6uLeh4WCnofQ2WMyk6lfd9nkx3vwYvCBGTw1h6GhbK5dtuuc3gkn-S1KfXAiiCvxt3nBeiVmzQoCcx5gxDmbd0o4v17vougK5oJ7tGKKHZkK-jCRIo638uvP-oXtYYUztHimjkFUvBZ5CSdC7MU0RDRYvpieXS5t9hQBQRE3okqzol/s2048/IMG_4135%20-%20Copy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRPSsYMnOqypYcXY6uLeh4WCnofQ2WMyk6lfd9nkx3vwYvCBGTw1h6GhbK5dtuuc3gkn-S1KfXAiiCvxt3nBeiVmzQoCcx5gxDmbd0o4v17vougK5oJ7tGKKHZkK-jCRIo638uvP-oXtYYUztHimjkFUvBZ5CSdC7MU0RDRYvpieXS5t9hQBQRE3okqzol/s320/IMG_4135%20-%20Copy.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p>This morning I woke, like I do every December 13th since 2008, remembering how I woke 15 years ago....feeling strong movements from Cole's side of the womb and feeling so optimistic, so sure that everything was going to be ok. </p><p>I came into my office and read through all of what I'd written during advent last year and realized why this year has seemed easier. Last year I worked through a lot of my emotions and did a lot of praying and I put some things to rest so to speak and was very much at peace. I had realized so much about myself last year and explored a lot of the 'whys' I had. It was so good to remember the journey I took last year because this year I thought I was disconnected as I just didn't seem to be feeling the sadness that often surrounds me in December. I brought it up at church before prayer on Sunday and said that I was feeling guilty because of this disconnect. Now I realize that it wasn't disconnect...though there was a lot of distraction with our annual fundraiser going on plus planning a family Christmas...it was actually just peace and contentment, acceptance. </p><p>We actually talked about the theme of peace on Sunday and what that means to each of us. For me the word that came to mind was acceptance. With peace comes acceptance. With acceptance comes peace. I can't change what happened but I can accept that it is the journey my life is taking and only I can make the choice to use this journey in a way to positively affect the world. </p><p>And so my mind was filled with a certainty that this year was different because of the journey I took last year and that perhaps, this year, I would not struggle with tears and sadness on this day like I have in other years. So I decided to go back and read through other blog posts from this day in years gone by. Many of them showed me just how far I've come, just how much God has worked on my heart to see this day differently. It reminded me of how much hope came out of the darkness of this day. </p><p>And I was doing great until I found a link within a blog that took me to a recount of this day that I wrote a few years ago when I actually wrote out my testimony and shared it throughout December. <a href="https://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.com/2016/12/stories-of-hope-jodie-story-10.html" target="_blank">It was this post that I am talking about, and this post that did me in today. </a></p><p>I will never forget so many moments from that day 15 years ago. The memories are so vivid, and, sometimes, so painful. And today I cried, sobbed actually, as I read through this and pictured that day so vividly again. It truly was the worst day of my life and it's still so painful to remember those things. I wanted to stop reading. I wanted to click off that link and go back to just writing about the peace I truly do feel about our journey. But truth be told I also wanted to relive it, to push myself deep into that memory. </p><p>Why????</p><p>Well part of me wonders if it's because I'm afraid if I forget how painful it was, that I am forgetting Cole. But a bigger part of me feels, no knows, that remembering how painful it was and how hard the journey was at this time and even going forward for many months is remembering how far I've come, remembering what this journey did for my faith, for my character, for my heart. It shows me that what I was reminded of in my morning devo today.... that in Genesis 50:20 Joseph speaks to his brothers about 'what they intended for evil against him, God meant it for good'. It's often been something I've thought and prayed about....how the enemy intends things for evil but God has the upper hand and he brings it about to be good. In our case the enemy wanted to destroy us with this grief. He wanted us to lose our faith, destroy our marriage, ruin our finances etc. But God is so good and he had such big plans for us, such big plans for the people Cole left behind when he went to heaven. </p><p>So those tears I shed this morning were all worth it because they remind me of how hard the start of this journey was, how dark and alone I felt, how painful everything seemed. They remind me that many tears have been shed since then but many of them, in recent years anyway, aren't full of heartbreaking sadness any longer. They are just tears of remembrance and tears of love. They are tears that show me, like tears fall down our faces and leave us, so does the darkness of difficult times. The tears make way for bright eyes, eyes that see the world differently. </p><p>On Sunday a dear friend prayed for me to find clarity and peace this week but she also thanked God for Cole and the lives he's impacted....those of the people who knew him and loved in the months he was alive in 2008, in the months after he passed and was then born and we said goodbye but also those people who's lives have been impacted by him and all he's inspired in others who never even knew him (or us for that matter) in those days. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvcv3FM7dUBFAGGuyuN0yo4Jc5DQX1Q_P41KlWxaMiA9uQfzkOhY4qXUi9S5kzORvond_Cftnmy75Zh0Ck2tdwxQk2-ylNDD-YXs2nS4LicG7TPoWLky1OHrayaALMYTyhyphenhyphen70p4Yzn_SuDa6VPrc85_rWruyO6WP6El_TvlNqSewt4DyAYvnwVgwgWUqjY/s604/4956_114361471150_2197621_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="501" data-original-width="604" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvcv3FM7dUBFAGGuyuN0yo4Jc5DQX1Q_P41KlWxaMiA9uQfzkOhY4qXUi9S5kzORvond_Cftnmy75Zh0Ck2tdwxQk2-ylNDD-YXs2nS4LicG7TPoWLky1OHrayaALMYTyhyphenhyphen70p4Yzn_SuDa6VPrc85_rWruyO6WP6El_TvlNqSewt4DyAYvnwVgwgWUqjY/s320/4956_114361471150_2197621_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Cole, my dear, sweet son, you changed the world without even trying. You inspired us all to make a difference, to love stronger, to give more, to help, to cherish every moment. I have loved you since the moment I knew you were alive inside of me and I will love you til the moment I see you standing with Jesus in heaven...and beyond that too. Thank you for leading me to a place of peace. Thank you for letting me be your momma in a special way that is so very different than the way I get to be the momma of your brothers. Thank you for the tears, the love, the hope and the peace. <p></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQYJPjVg-ligdZhYP35CJ3cvFlBlwjh-YOI0OFgIUwL3cPmbga0th4xWNOLa6L4bxsPE19EgYbYoS-XgyBXSYfyOfXnilqgDlGGRfNrQqTEd45oWOyVYffNhVg1O6kGwuOxElFm90YCuugODIMT_3eMIQrW-v6xOmWHTyYJmlfl2e6SHZVIXPqaSOCR8Aa/s560/cam&cole.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="560" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQYJPjVg-ligdZhYP35CJ3cvFlBlwjh-YOI0OFgIUwL3cPmbga0th4xWNOLa6L4bxsPE19EgYbYoS-XgyBXSYfyOfXnilqgDlGGRfNrQqTEd45oWOyVYffNhVg1O6kGwuOxElFm90YCuugODIMT_3eMIQrW-v6xOmWHTyYJmlfl2e6SHZVIXPqaSOCR8Aa/s320/cam&cole.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /><p></p>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-26369810562414942342023-12-12T03:08:00.000-08:002023-12-12T03:08:00.078-08:00God is in this Story<p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">This mornings devotion seemed most fitting on this anniversary week. The focus was on the disciples and how Jesus prepared them for what was to come even though they had no idea of these lessons they would need. This question was asked at the end of the devo....</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Remember a time in your life when God was at work but you weren’t yet able to see it. How does that moment now act as a spiritual anchor that strengthens your faith during challenging seasons?</span></span></p><p><b id="docs-internal-guid-4f0aabce-7fff-8784-875d-7cc05139a8e0" style="font-weight: normal;">I shared this as my response....</b></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Fifteen years ago today I underwent surgery to correct a condition, called TTTS, that was occurring within the shared placenta of my unborn identical twins. The day before I had been diagnosed with this condition and sent, almost immediately, to Toronto where the diagnosis was confirmed and the surgery explained. All the medical staff we encountered were very optimistic, everyone was quite certain that both of our boys would be fine once they recovered from this surgery. My faith existed but I did not really have a relationship with Jesus at the time, not like I do now. That being said, I knew to pray, and so, before I went to sleep the night before surgery, I prayed that God would heal my boys and protect them for the remainder of the pregnancy.</i></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>And while the surgery itself was successful, the TTTS had progressed rapidly in the 18 hours or so from my arrived in Toronto to when I had surgery and our son, Cole, was very sick. The day after surgery we went for some assessments and discovered that his heart had stopped beating. It was the worst day of my life.</i></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>It was very hard to find God in those moments. I didn't understand why he would have made me pregnant with twins in the first place, in a pregnancy that actually wasn't planned, only to take one of them away. </i></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>In the many months and actually years that followed, I began to see how God had worked in our lives in all of those moments. I saw how he had protective Cameron from becoming as sick as his twin and had kept him from being born at 26 weeks when my water broke. I saw how he looked after my family in the many months that I spent in the hospital after my water broke but before my twins arrived at 34 weeks. I felt him as I walked along a path of darkness and grief and I saw him directing me towards the light. I heard him in the words that he inspired me to share with others going through similar journeys and in the thoughts that came to my head about what I could do to help other people by fundraising for the hospital that ultimately save Cameron's life.</i></span></p><p></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>But most of all I know that God was with me as he helped me grow my faith and learn to trust him and then share that faith and trust with others who are also questioning where God was. </i></span></p><div><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"><br /></span></div><div>I thought this was all I would write this morning and was about to shut down the computer when this song popped into my head and heart...and became the title of this blog post....</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/R_zI1Iy5_EQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="R_zI1Iy5_EQ"></iframe></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></i></div><div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">There's torn up pages in this book</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Words that tell me I'm no good</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Chapters that defined me for so long</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">But the hands of grace and endless love</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Dusted off and picked me up</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Told my heart that hope is never gone</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in this story</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in the details</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Even in the broken parts</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">He holds my heart, He never fails</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">When I'm at my weakest</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I will trust in Jesus</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Always in the highs and lows</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">The One who goes before me</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in this story</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">So if the storm you're walking through</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Feels like it's too much and you</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Wonder if He even cares at all</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Well, hold on tight to what you know</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">He promised He won't let you go</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Your song of healing's written in His scars</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in this story</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in the details</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Even in the broken parts</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">He holds my heart, He never fails</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">When I'm at my weakest</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I will trust in Jesus</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Always in the highs and lows</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">The One who goes before me</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in this story</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">If it reads like addiction</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">If it reads like disease</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">He's the One who frees the prisoner</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">He's the healer of all things</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">If it reads like depression</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">If it reads broken home</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">He's the One who holds your sorrow</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">He won't leave you here alone</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in this story</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in the details</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Even in the broken parts</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">He holds my heart, He never fails</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">When I'm at my weakest</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I will trust in Jesus</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Always in the highs and lows</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">The One who goes before me</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb WRZytc" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">Always in the highs and lows</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">The One who goes before me</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in this story (you're in this story)</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in my story (right here in my story)</span></span></i></div></div><div class="ujudUb WRZytc" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span jsname="YS01Ge"><br /></span></div><div class="ujudUb WRZytc" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">God is in my story. He is the one who held my sorrow. When the storm I was walking through felt overwhelming, dark and so full of sadness and I didn't know where to go, God found me and lead me through that darkness to find light. He gave me the gift of words, of writing, of empathy and compassion and showed me how to use all of those gifts to help others. </span></div><div class="ujudUb WRZytc" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span jsname="YS01Ge"><br /></span></div><div class="ujudUb WRZytc" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">And this morning God gave me clarity and focus...something that has been lacking this year as I walked into this season of remembrance. I have been so distracted, unfocused, scattered and overwhelmed this year (lots going on in my life I guess) and hadn't been able to really put my head and heart on a path that made sense when it came to my feelings about where we were 15 years ago. So thank you Jesus for this devo, this song and this sense of clarity this morning. </span></div><div class="ujudUb WRZytc" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span jsname="YS01Ge"><br /></span></div><div class="ujudUb WRZytc" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px;">Yes, God is in this story and he's in your story too!</div>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-19349883540656457592023-12-09T19:20:00.000-08:002023-12-09T19:20:09.743-08:00Blessings and the Spirit<p> So I've pondering this post for about a week...I seem to get random ideas (or maybe not so random) of things to write about and then don't sit down and put my thoughts to paper so to speak and then they spin and morph into something different and days or weeks later I either write it down or, more often, forget. Today I started this message in the morning and looked at the clock and realized I had no time to finish again and almost walked away but tonight I've decided that this needed to take priority....especially as I move into this week of memories. </p><p>This quote was something I heard on the radio about a week ago....</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3YMFdsNJaW6JpqgiLJMDh62N3QGQdvTmmUGLtOBPczBMyeaw3Qe1x6LpkSs6L-_ElNaPfQtGOmdKsBT4I_cf5g6xZ9f1Sr0_VQMIiu2IcmPCIJ_ISK5Ew8pZVD6PXeZpSm_YAxhewkkhQsOvWtI8wBiRXAnTXDBPtLHpMQLxojw___yiNpc2i1v5vzUPW/s1334/f7166922cb4441de17354b6b19247348.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1334" data-original-width="1334" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3YMFdsNJaW6JpqgiLJMDh62N3QGQdvTmmUGLtOBPczBMyeaw3Qe1x6LpkSs6L-_ElNaPfQtGOmdKsBT4I_cf5g6xZ9f1Sr0_VQMIiu2IcmPCIJ_ISK5Ew8pZVD6PXeZpSm_YAxhewkkhQsOvWtI8wBiRXAnTXDBPtLHpMQLxojw___yiNpc2i1v5vzUPW/s320/f7166922cb4441de17354b6b19247348.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I posted about it on facebook and wrote something like 'I feel this with every inch of my being. Never could I have imagined the pain of losing a child could be replaced by using my gifts to help others but truly I tell you, God has blessed me so much'.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And that word, blessed, sat in my head and heart for a few days. How blessed we can be by moments, by seasons, that we didn't plan for, didn't want, didn't dream, plan, hope etc for. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And as I pondered this one day I found myself singing parts of this song...<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cd6J6Wgnv4M">Blessings by Laura Story</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span jsname="YS01Ge">We pray for blessings</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">We pray for peace</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Comfort for family, protection while we sleep</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">We pray for healing, for prosperity</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And all the while, You hear each spoken need</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things</span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span jsname="YS01Ge">'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">What if Your healing comes through tears?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">What if a thousand sleepless nights</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Are what it takes to know You're near?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?</span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span jsname="YS01Ge">We pray for wisdom</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Your voice to hear</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">As if every promise from Your Word is not enough</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And all the while, You hear each desperate plea</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And long that we'd have faith to believe</span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span jsname="YS01Ge">'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">What if Your healing comes through tears?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And what if the thousand sleepless nights</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Are what it takes to know You're near?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?</span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span jsname="YS01Ge">When friends betray us</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And when darkness seems to win</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">We know that pain reminds this heart</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">That this is not, this is not our home</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">It's not our home</span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span jsname="YS01Ge">'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">What if Your healing comes through tears?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And what if the thousand sleepless nights</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Are what it takes to know You're near?</span></i></div><div class="ujudUb WRZytc" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><i><span jsname="YS01Ge">What if my greatest disappointments</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Or the aching of this life</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And what if trials of this life</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">The rain, the storms, the hardest nights</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Are Your mercies in disguise?</span></i></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This isn't the first time this song as spoke to me in such a powerful way. I even blogged about it before <a href="https://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.com/2020/04/what-if-trials-of-this-life-are-mercies.html" target="_blank">right here. </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But this time the thoughts swirling in my head are different...at least somewhat. This particular part keeps playing on repeat in my brain....</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?</span><br aria-hidden="true" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">What if Your healing comes through tears?</span><br aria-hidden="true" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">What if a thousand sleepless nights</span><br aria-hidden="true" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Are what it takes to know You're near?</span><br aria-hidden="true" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?</span></div><div><br /></div>My blessings did come through raindrops...if tears could be thought of as raindrops. My healing came through those tears...and continues to come through them year after year too. Losing a child was never something I imagined I would have to walk through. Losing a child who's face I get to see every day wasn't something I would have ever imagined I would think of a blessing. And maybe it isn't so much that I think of it as a blessing...not in the way that I think of other things God has given me as blessings...but rather that I think of it as a mercy in disguise. It was a catalyst to change, to becoming who God knew I could become the more and more I gave my heart to others. <div><br /></div><div>I never imagined I could find the strength to walk through another person's grief journey. I never imagined I could speak freely of how loss brought me to a relationship with Jesus and taught me what faith and hope really are. I never imagined I could find peace when part of my heart lives in heaven. But all of that and more have happened because God took Cole home. <br /><div><p>This morning when I was thinking about what I wanted to put down in this post today I was thinking of how the Holy Spirit dwells in all of us and how God speaks to us through the Holy Spirit. Hearing that quote above and feeling so strongly that I was to write about this and being reminded again and again to think and pray about what to write as Blessings kept playing in my head spoke volumes to me about the voice of the spirit and how God gets our attention. And as I pondered this I was given a clear reminder of another time recently when God spoke so clearly to me. I had what I can only express as a 'Holy Spirit moment' regarding a decision I had made at work. It was a decision I had thought was best for me, best because it protected my heart, best because I knew making a different decision could stretch me emotionally more than anything has in my professional life since I was in my early 20's. And then just as clear as if God spoke out loud to me, I heard a voice in my head and heart tell me that the I needed to make a different decision and that it would be the next step my heart needed to take in a walking through heartache and loss. And today I felt the Laura Story song, the work situation and my own journey through loss of a child are coming together to form this picture....</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPgYzzguWY4gjLiK56Q2YXuwEyyiRJK5X8xj2VnNvaqQNfetOZAOj984WfjPzqC17B4_U6qU1wqWnSLycY4SfwUZQOWOF7taugQ1bRtMzlxue9aXdannC1QTm6WN2zDGCJKDaATZ0sG-g_1c4m2hf6MSENZrZ56J8tQ_KXW97CpG4zU4EZpscYslQMtuP-/s1600/loss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPgYzzguWY4gjLiK56Q2YXuwEyyiRJK5X8xj2VnNvaqQNfetOZAOj984WfjPzqC17B4_U6qU1wqWnSLycY4SfwUZQOWOF7taugQ1bRtMzlxue9aXdannC1QTm6WN2zDGCJKDaATZ0sG-g_1c4m2hf6MSENZrZ56J8tQ_KXW97CpG4zU4EZpscYslQMtuP-/s320/loss.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>My son in heaven greeting another child as they arrive, walking ahead of us, the family they both left behind. And me, walking beside these parents and helping them navigate the journey God has placed them on, helping them as they learn that sometimes blessings come in raindrops and healing comes in tears and that the trials of this life are God's mercies in disguise. <br /><br /><br /><p></p></div></div>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-29327670508371030102023-05-06T07:08:00.005-07:002023-05-06T07:08:50.599-07:00The Wounds of our Past Meeting our Present<p> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">There’s something that’s been weighing heavy on my heart that I felt called to write about. I’m not sure if I’ll share it or not but I am praying for the holy spirit to guide my thoughts and writings so that I can process this move past it. I want to see it as a part of a healing process, as part of the journey of my life that doesn’t hold me in the past or in past hurts, but allows me to grow and learn. I also know that it fits into the ongoing healing that my heart has gone through for many years related to grief and loss and life after it. </span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-b1e89ec4-7fff-0f30-f220-c1e52d67eaa5"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t want to get into too much of the details of this hurt here as I do think I’ll share this publicly and I don’t want to call out this person publicly. This wound hurts deeper than many I’ve had over the years because it attacks something I’ve been passionate about for over 13 years, honouring my twins and their journey through giving back. I recently learned that someone who once meant a lot to me as a friend made a horrible accusation about something we were doing to honour our boys and told a few people that they believed we weren’t being honest and honourable at all. While they were corrected and did, eventually, come to realize our intentions were completely honourable and there was no wrong doing, no dishonest or fraudulent activities on our part, it absolutely guts me that someone could say such things about us. Taking this act of generosity, of goodness, of love and turning it into something dishonest and fraudulent honestly makes me feel sick. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so now I’m left wondering why anyone could ever think and share such horrible things, why some people can do such horrible things and people just accept them and continue with their friendship (and actually slowly shut us out of their lives) but most of all, I wonder why past wounds of our hearts can be ripped open so easily.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My thoughts and prayers over the last 2 weeks have lead me to some understandings about some people and some friendships. And slightly diverging and wandering within my head and heart to the work I’ve been doing to see how our childhood forms our personality, it has also made me look at my own character, my own personality type and traits and see how some people can turn a trait that I have, and have sometimes used in selfish and self serving ways, into something extremely toxic. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My recent journey into hard internal work has led me to see that I am a caregiver and helper in my heart and that this began in my childhood. It usually begins as a way for a child to understand the world and things that happen around them, For the caregiver, it often begins because they don’t feel they can be loved for who they are and want to be loved so much that they become ‘little helpers’ to feel they are earning that love. As they become adults this can manifest into thinking they know what’s best for others, that it’s their job to help others and to fix situations. It can also manifest itself into a more toxic situation where the ‘helper’ is building a favour bank, building up a stockpile of those they’ve helped so that those people will pay this back later in life. Sort of ‘I’ll scratch your back but someday I'll expect you to scratch mine’ without telling the people they help. They also can get very upset with others who don’t accept their help, often because they see things in a way that ‘they know best and others should see that’. This can cause relationships to break down in their lives, usually because the people they try to help get tired of their ‘I know best’ attitude.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now I do not completely fit this personality type for a variety of reasons but i definitely have learned that the feeling I’ve always had of not being enough, not measuring up, not meeting people’s expectations and feeling I never can (nor will I ever be great at anything, only good at some things) has lead me to doing many things for others to fill the void I felt. I also have figured out that this same feeling of inadequacy has lead me to make poor choices, especially in my dating years, because I just wanted to fill that void, to be loved and appreciated by someone and yet at the same time feeling that because I wasn’t good enough that I should settle for relationships that weren’t best for me because those were the people who would accept my flaws more or not see them because they had lots themselves. Messed up right!!!!</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anyway, I’ve diverged again. This helping personality type, in it’s unhealthy state, is what made me think of this person who has hurt me so much. While I don’t know if he’s the same type as me, I now see the extreme side of this type. He fits the classic ‘I know best and you should accept my help’ attitude and he, most definitely, gets upset when others don’t accept his help. When he helps, he becomes very controlling and extremely critical of others. Actually the extremely critical part exists most of the time in his life. I am now able to see that this is where our friendship began to fall apart as he was very eager to help us with a major project when I was pregnant with the twins but my husband wasn’t keen to have him help because he knew that this guy would take over the whole project, want everything done his way and make judgements on any decisions we wanted to make about the project. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So that is what started the distancing in the friendship but what could possibly bring someone to the point of saying horrible things about something we did to honour our boys and their journey? How does anyone even bring themselves to the point of thinking something so awful and then sharing it with others? </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And why, oh why, am I letting this bug me so much when it happened so long ago and he was, obviously, proven wrong as we went to continue to honour our twins in similar ways for years and years to come (and still do today)???</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The answer is because I’m human and because the core of this wound is actually one that I struggle to be healed from. This incident rips open the wound that relates to one of the most significant trauma experiences of my life and the wound of losing one of your children isn’t a wound that ever fully heals, it just gets to be a smoother scar as the years go by. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQql-rPXM5meg4D9Z6ernPY3xCKQ1-0dnGP0LjZl0WIXhngQ4LckM_5c-EmP9li2_BpvElukm7BNLWgh-rtaPy4GHIxMtV2FFeJNiWiXJS2x9oGSH7EQZAkR8sqqILlfcYea-zISkj9o64m55QLCQ_zTwiEKw-0bBEDxJfkN79pwRZln7fKW7XMrmvCg/s266/shattered%20heart.webp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="266" data-original-width="178" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQql-rPXM5meg4D9Z6ernPY3xCKQ1-0dnGP0LjZl0WIXhngQ4LckM_5c-EmP9li2_BpvElukm7BNLWgh-rtaPy4GHIxMtV2FFeJNiWiXJS2x9oGSH7EQZAkR8sqqILlfcYea-zISkj9o64m55QLCQ_zTwiEKw-0bBEDxJfkN79pwRZln7fKW7XMrmvCg/s1600/shattered%20heart.webp" width="178" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><p></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So while that wound may always be one that can open a little more easily than others, the wound of someone saying hurtful things, even 13 years ago, is one I can bring to God in prayer and ask for guidance for. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My therapist and I talked about it this week and she told me something very valuable. Being a Christian means that I am called to forgive but forgiving is a me thing to do, not an us thing to do. I don’t need to have any conversations with this person and I also can not expect him to have the same perspective on this, nor the same reaction or same way of moving through it because he isn’t a Christian. All I can do is pray through it and pray for him. Pray that God may open his eyes and heart to see Him and that, in time, he may come to see and know how the wounds of his own heart have hurt others. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My dearest friend and sister of the heart has also been chatting with me this week about this situation. She was hurt for me to have heard these things and had wise words she shared that came from her own devotions….</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The devotion was in reflecting on how the Hebrew people had been in bondage for 400 years. They were slaves in Egypt and slavery meant they were not free to do God’s will. When Moses came to tell the Israelites how they could experience freedom they were more concerned about the reaction of their taskmasters than they were about pleasing God. Freedom would mean the Egyptians would be mad at them and might attack them. They were afraid and this fear made them feel that freedom from their bondage did not seem worth the hardships they would endure. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">‘When God sets out to free us, there will often be a price we will have to pay. Grief can form a terrible form of bondage, yet we become comfortable with it. We can grow so comfortable with fear that we don’t know how to live without it. As destructive as our sinful habits might been, we may prefer living with the familiar, rather than be freed to experience the unknown.’</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Living life after loss is hard enough but having people question your actions, your integrity, your moral compass makes you angry. I know that i will continue to have work to do on living through my grief and I thank God often for all that he’s done to help me to find a way through it and to live without fear…fear of accepting this trauma as part of who I am, fear of forgetting my son and the experience that changed me forever, fear of the judgment of others on how I’ve chosen to publicly grief or openly talk about infant loss and how it’s affected me…so many fears. Now I ask him to help me to love people who’ve hurt me through this journey, people who have judged, people who have said things that hurt without realizing it and, now, people who’ve said things they knowingly knew were hurtful and unkind. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">My dear friend also shared this that was a reflection on this devotional for herself but applied so much to me, to this situation.... </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">‘Sometimes it is hard to love those who have hurt or wronged me….In those moments I ask that You give me the strength to choose love. And I pray that because of this others will know that I belong to you,’</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so I will continue to ask God to give me the strength to choose love for this person and to move this situation to a place of healing and forgiveness in my heart. And I encourage anyone reading this to pray for me for this but also to consider this in your own life for situations that have wounded you and continue to sit heavy in your heart. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZsn5lsg6EFq71VO2ZUhmgB9d6a0tUHTbEbduNMiZVt_Q6JLFC3wduXLHI-3EP7HR4dzjZS8tu86r3OQ5TIzYj3L1h1j9AJjMRIgnr-fAmM4iBU2nJRQvRW-ax78JWJRce1jIURktxFKdEeoDQKNLl1FCLR29SnSJ17JLRydXikpf5OkJmx4RInc-L6w/s1000/the%20cross.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZsn5lsg6EFq71VO2ZUhmgB9d6a0tUHTbEbduNMiZVt_Q6JLFC3wduXLHI-3EP7HR4dzjZS8tu86r3OQ5TIzYj3L1h1j9AJjMRIgnr-fAmM4iBU2nJRQvRW-ax78JWJRce1jIURktxFKdEeoDQKNLl1FCLR29SnSJ17JLRydXikpf5OkJmx4RInc-L6w/w203-h203/the%20cross.jpg" width="203" /></a></div></div><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Peace and love my friends. </span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span><br />Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-10800151874568265312022-12-13T04:56:00.002-08:002022-12-13T05:00:31.733-08:00The Day that Changed Our World<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4ZvDhnJHK99WFIvnnNufPB8RWILV3-6KV1ddun1yxMEgiEfAvQh4BvMFn203W-qOl-d1qs7Y2QaomKf70PYNuF3ILnY7ufXdAc0Rm5-9XCTbBhhsDeCZKt6cHPMxl_NJCCo58agH0SvG-kYXJRy2EHi_iluvmqIgI15Lnpg-PDIBkYeQpDzbH18bltA/s1230/20181213_063452.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1230" data-original-width="901" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4ZvDhnJHK99WFIvnnNufPB8RWILV3-6KV1ddun1yxMEgiEfAvQh4BvMFn203W-qOl-d1qs7Y2QaomKf70PYNuF3ILnY7ufXdAc0Rm5-9XCTbBhhsDeCZKt6cHPMxl_NJCCo58agH0SvG-kYXJRy2EHi_iluvmqIgI15Lnpg-PDIBkYeQpDzbH18bltA/s320/20181213_063452.jpg" width="234" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>This morning I laid in bed thinking of how I woke 14 years ago with such optimism, so sure everything was going to be ok because I had felt strong kicks from Cole's side of the womb just as I woke. I was so very unprepared for the news that would be delivered to me just a few hours from then. </p><p>Have you ever had times where you wish you just go back and relive moments and then just stay there in them...not move forward? I know over the years I've definitely had lots of those moments and I'd be lying to you if I didn't admit to wishing that I could relive only that moment from December 13/08 and not the rest of that awful day. </p><p>But that's not who I am, it's not what I do on this day. I have a tradition of sitting in those memories and of reading back through blog posts and facebook entries from that day. It's definitely an emotional time for me but I feel like I need to go back to all of them memories of that day that involve Cole and cherish them, even if they are hard, </p><p>I was about to write 'because that's all we have' on the end of that sentence above but I stopped in my tracks and was thinking 'WHAT? Why would you even think that? It's so not true'. Sometimes I think my fingers flow before my brain engages. </p><p>We have so much more than just the memories of that day and, while it's important to remember them because it's such an important part of our story, the story didn't end there for us and it didn't end there for Cole either. </p><p>Remembering the pain of that day, and when I say remembering I mean vivid, deep visuals of the room we were in, the clothes the doctor was wearing, where I was, where Geoff was, the look on his face, the colour of the wall I turned to face....so many of those memories are very deeply etched in my brain. But remembering the pain of that day is part of remembering the pivotal moments that change your life, change the course of your life. For those in our family who got to stay on earth that day, life became about cherishing moments, giving back, helping others and becoming empathic humans who listen and share their hearts with others. For Cole, that day became the first of his eternity. </p><p>A friend commented in response to one of my blog posts last week that she stopped thinking about what her son, who passed from TTTS complications, would be doing here on earth years ago. She said that living in the what ifs and whys is to hard for her and, since death is inevitable for all of us, living for what could of been just doesn't make sense. This life here is temporary and our forever home is in heaven. So she thinks of him there instead and imagines his life there...who's he's met there, what he does. </p><p>And I guess the older I get, the more this is becoming my mindset for Cole too, The more family and friends who leave us, the closer we get to our return to heaven, the more my mind focuses on Cole being in the arms of Jesus and not on him not being in the arms of his momma. Cole changed the world the day he left it. One tiny baby, who's grown up in heaven, changed the world by inspiring his family and those around them too. </p><p>I'll always miss him, part of me will always feel sadness for this day. I will always hold on to the memories of it. But I will also hold on to the memories of what we've done on this day and many others because of the moment where our life changed, of the moment when we learned he was gone. Our lives are fuller because of it even if our hearts and arms have felt empty at times. </p><p>We love you Cole, we always have, we always will and we'll always remember everything about this day that shaped us into who we are today. </p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwDjqzYDU8v0IjcJEHBfBqJt_ynxyZ6ppuEa3F-IF7SHyZAzWHY-r3RlcUqwNnPQo3LbFFRa3LBg-y15oqjYvuFJA_FHSdm1RGMxoF_2rlcnftecaq2bPEnym_chw8eLbHIrmEByGC9ucCwYcVQai4tja03Xl7Ef53aM08CIv71ck5t7Lvz7rNHQDy1w/s604/357_50216456150_1027_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="501" data-original-width="604" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwDjqzYDU8v0IjcJEHBfBqJt_ynxyZ6ppuEa3F-IF7SHyZAzWHY-r3RlcUqwNnPQo3LbFFRa3LBg-y15oqjYvuFJA_FHSdm1RGMxoF_2rlcnftecaq2bPEnym_chw8eLbHIrmEByGC9ucCwYcVQai4tja03Xl7Ef53aM08CIv71ck5t7Lvz7rNHQDy1w/s320/357_50216456150_1027_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div><br /></div>Just I was finishing this post, my dearest friend in the world sent me this...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuU55VqoMAxmQW26VEbbHyV_5taeSUd3MBZE0QGUAaDQ6zjt6fz2RlLFAVUhPscz05DmuR1MMSK5ROCKqy6pK3W6J5WrxrzH3v5A3d9kRD9qa_SYZy0RN4PYnDgKEoiZdEBoA97r5k5zZAIMlkEPvHXncvrWCrPjaERwQH96qs-gKqt35QtB0VOmF3kQ/s1280/1280x1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="1280" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuU55VqoMAxmQW26VEbbHyV_5taeSUd3MBZE0QGUAaDQ6zjt6fz2RlLFAVUhPscz05DmuR1MMSK5ROCKqy6pK3W6J5WrxrzH3v5A3d9kRD9qa_SYZy0RN4PYnDgKEoiZdEBoA97r5k5zZAIMlkEPvHXncvrWCrPjaERwQH96qs-gKqt35QtB0VOmF3kQ/s320/1280x1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>It seemed like such a fitting way to end this post. No words needed.<br /><div><br /> <p></p></div>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-51913944317240245522022-12-12T03:26:00.001-08:002022-12-12T03:26:09.563-08:00Darkness Into Light<p> This exploration into sitting in the dark of my emotions that this season of grief always evokes has definitely been a very eye and heart opening experience. While I know that this time of year will always have it's moments and I know that tomorrow will be another day where I shed some tears as I remember my sweet son, I also know that God carries me through it all. </p><p>I am still left with some questions that take time to work through. While I know that God gave me the gifts I have to helping others and for sharing my heart in words that seem to resonate with others, I do still ask, at times, if I really need to be in the places where the healthy side of twin pregnancy, the healthy and ideal outcome, hangs out. Do I HAVE to suffer through the visuals of all that 'could have been' in order to be where I'm needed to help others. Isn't there another way? </p><p>The simple answer is that I can choose to do whatever works best for me. I can choose to not be there. I can choose to hide those groups, to avoid seeing all that 'lives there'. And maybe there are days that I should do that. </p><p>But I also think I need to rely on God to walk beside me on those harder days and I need to trust that he puts me where he needs me when he needs me. I take so much of it on myself and dwell within myself on dark and painful days. I don't take it to the one who understands my pain enough. If I've learned anything through this exploration of emotions it's that God is listening to my heart and he'll provide me peace. I just need to sit in it and talk with him, share with him, poor my emotions and stop taking it on alone. </p><p>And so tomorrow that is what I'll do. I won't shut anything off but I also won't take what I'm feeling on alone. I'm coming through this darkness and I'm doing it with joy in my heart. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEJwfqImhiV_08kaojen1_8JOQKm56ftyVocIqFgMtIQrLqbaecPgKSyYF_yJuKFasBmR7fG-QMXf4jTobbtEgYGMg_Pd_EHsSoLfPx-TLLEHft321nByGBgyFWfZUjUjAN83sz7ftDDJ8fhFXGfL-UN3KqA8_JVdxIUanxlqvl6EzJ_obPoOKP7_x_g/s800/dark%20to%20light.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="534" data-original-width="800" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEJwfqImhiV_08kaojen1_8JOQKm56ftyVocIqFgMtIQrLqbaecPgKSyYF_yJuKFasBmR7fG-QMXf4jTobbtEgYGMg_Pd_EHsSoLfPx-TLLEHft321nByGBgyFWfZUjUjAN83sz7ftDDJ8fhFXGfL-UN3KqA8_JVdxIUanxlqvl6EzJ_obPoOKP7_x_g/s320/dark%20to%20light.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-88554777359345774682022-12-10T05:08:00.000-08:002022-12-10T05:08:12.955-08:00Why this Time of the Year?<p> Earlier this week I talked about some of my why's that I still seem to sit in and I had a prayerful moment and quite a revelation from the Lord the other day about one of them, </p><p>I've always wondered why our loss had to happen this time of year. As I said a few day ago, I had already experienced some pretty significant losses in the Christmas season and it just seemed to be added more pain to my already broken heart. On Thursday I look it to the Lord in prayer and I found the song Joy to the World coming to my heart, specifically "Joy to World, the Lord has Come" and "Let every heart prepare Him room".</p><p>At first I thought it was just my usual distracted brain at work but then suddenly I was thinking of other messages we hear this time of year regarding advent, about preparing our hearts for Jesus and it made me think about what advent is really about. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsT1jZRYny330uEaQnd2lJqW1a_nbnEcwZ0AIBmn1xVmcJRj4ketjbQ4MAi1qtEVP7N7wI3Hc0bWkwwYPhpjTCKF0Yitp1UdnYt_jnCMH3lKpAk6AB2M5ZjbEK5FxanIYRsKoXv04Oe2s7iORf-y_XLDAdduwCap8UCoNcnWhNEkLpwUn2LkKzvAQ0Pg/s400/c53e2538-f6e4-4baa-afc5-6acbffb8f551.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsT1jZRYny330uEaQnd2lJqW1a_nbnEcwZ0AIBmn1xVmcJRj4ketjbQ4MAi1qtEVP7N7wI3Hc0bWkwwYPhpjTCKF0Yitp1UdnYt_jnCMH3lKpAk6AB2M5ZjbEK5FxanIYRsKoXv04Oe2s7iORf-y_XLDAdduwCap8UCoNcnWhNEkLpwUn2LkKzvAQ0Pg/s320/c53e2538-f6e4-4baa-afc5-6acbffb8f551.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p>Through advent we prepare our hearts for the birth of our savior, we remember the time before Jesus came and the promises that were made to God's people and the hope they had for him to come and save the world. I've learned in more recent years that it's not just preparing our hearts for him to come but to remember what he did when he was here. Jesus came to serve, he is the ultimate guide on how to help others in need. </p><p>And during advent we also prepare our hearts for Jesus to come again. To fix what's wrong in this world and to take those who believe in him back to heaven...or bring heaven fully here perhaps. </p><p>And so when I sat with those thoughts in my heart, I realized that having a tragedy that happened this time of year that seems so easily triggered is no accident. With the sights, sounds and smells of this season triggering you to remember days gone by, days that were hard and dark and lonely, you can't help but think of where you've come since then. </p><p>Jesus came to earth as a humble and innocent baby. He had to grow and learn like every child. He had to overcome what he didn't know, what hadn't developed yet. As he took his first steps he stumbled just as I've stumbled taking steps out of this grief. Once he grew to a boy who could learn from others, he took it all in. He listened to teachers and preachers and became a humble servant of God his father. And then when he became a man he began to teach himself. He began to reach out to others to help them to see the way to his father. </p><p>My experience of journeying through grief has been similar. The early days were so hard, so dark and lonely. None of it made much sense. In time I began to meet others who could relate to some of what I was experiencing. Not all of them were families who experienced loss of life but all were families who experienced loss of what felt normal and safe, all of them had a life altering experience with pregnancy complications. Some of them became a lifeline to me. They showed me there was hope. They inspired me. </p><p>Jesus' life began at Christmas and grew from there and this week as I've journeyed through some of these emotions I have this time of year I feel God telling me that I, too, began a new life at a Christmas season and it grew from there. I'm not saying I'm anything like Jesus. So far from it most days. What I'm saying is that a new life began for me 14 years ago and it involved heart changes that made life different from then on. It spurred me to use the gifts and talents that God gave me to help others. It moved me to become a person with empathy and compassion. </p><p>Just a few weeks ago, when I went to my principal to request Tuesday off (because for as far as I've come, I still know that the anniversary of Cole leaving us is a hard day and not one I am ready to face the responsibilities I have at a work....in a school with 1 set of identical twins and at least 4 other sets) I shared something I said to a principal a few years ago about the loss of Cole and the journey we've taken. "I am who I am because I've been where I've been".</p><p>The reaction from her, from my current principal and from so many others over the years has always been 'that must have been so hard and I'm so sorry to hear that happened'. While I've often been able to express that it changed me forever, that line "I am who I am because I've been where I've been" really does sum it all up. </p><p>It's not lost on me that we remember what Jesus came to do this time of year and I feel quite certain God gave me the timing of our loss to do the same. To remember what I am here to do. That I am his servant and my heart needed to break and be mended by Him for me to do his work. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p><br /></p>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-48362586153563334522022-12-08T03:26:00.001-08:002022-12-08T03:26:15.829-08:00Pondering the Memories<p> I've often wondered why I have such a phenomenal memories for things that happened long ago, things I've done and experienced, things said to me...and yet I can't remember to do tasks that need to be done without reminders LOL! </p><p>God has definitely blessed me with a strong memory and usually I think that's a good thing but this time of year those memories can evoke such strong emotions and almost be overwhelming. The start of this project to sit in my darkness and work through what I'm feeling and wrestling with as it relates to our journey came from a facebook fed memory. It was only I'd posted about 2 weeks before our TTTS diagnosis and was about wondering about the gender, yet again, of our twins. Reading it chocked me up. The emotions of that time in my life became raw again and since then I've had such vivid memories of that time in our lives. </p><p>The strongest of my memories are tied from the moments before my unofficial diagnosis up until the days after we lost Cole and I struggled to survive. They all have strong images attached to them. I can remember what I was wearing. I can picture doctors talking to me, picture what I gazed at out my window at Mt. Sinai, clearly see Geoff's face as he crumbled against the wall when we learned Cole was gone. </p><p>I have all those vivid visuals attached to my memories but I yet my mind doesn't produce images of Cole in any way except his ultrasound photos and some images from the day he was born. I think that I've worked through this enough to understand that memories with strong emotions attached to them don't fade and I think it's a bittersweet thing, </p><p>Sometimes I pray God will ease my memories and take away the pain that can come with them. He's definitely eased some of the pain and I can clearly see where this season of memories is much easier to walk through but I do still wonder and vivid imagery attached to them. </p><p>It kind of bring me back to wondering why I don't have images of Cole in my brain and heart, why I can't imagine him here. As I pray and think about it, I believe it's something God has given me to help create space between my reality and the reality of others,. If I was stuck in those places of imagining what life would look like then I would not likely be able to help others walk through their own journey. If I could imagine having him here then my heart might not be able to handle to actual images I see in the groups I support others in. </p><p>Perhaps something to keep pondering.....why does God make some things so clear in our minds and other things remain dark and imageless. </p><p>Until next time.....</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsMFEK5IETfKktKA752zHO1qhdrHk2XK_OYSIUVRBuRq38z8WnSWJMczI6ZT0QRqmICMPFweh2NdozlyNnrHtVUY00SEPjuT4yVz2jxV_udOC1PEGXTOu9mR7mzQbJfMN-V6bOpLW4rVWhg0VYU4Xp5go4yv1QSfdYQ375ugy6fl7TgOjImm0Ng0dLrQ/s1200/brain-past.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsMFEK5IETfKktKA752zHO1qhdrHk2XK_OYSIUVRBuRq38z8WnSWJMczI6ZT0QRqmICMPFweh2NdozlyNnrHtVUY00SEPjuT4yVz2jxV_udOC1PEGXTOu9mR7mzQbJfMN-V6bOpLW4rVWhg0VYU4Xp5go4yv1QSfdYQ375ugy6fl7TgOjImm0Ng0dLrQ/s320/brain-past.webp" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-79338896932488535942022-12-07T03:29:00.000-08:002022-12-07T03:29:04.138-08:00Sitting in the Dark<p> So yesterday I reflected briefly about wondering why God has placed it on my heart to be involved in twin groups online, in supporting others as they walk through the stressful times that come with being pregnant with mono di twins and, even more so, walk with them through possible diagnosis, surgeries, premature deliveries etc. I know the answers to some of that and experience moments often where I know I was where I needed to be to help someone in need because God wanted me to be there. I know that God gave me the gift of empathy for this mission. But I do still find myself asking if Cole really had to leave in order for me to become the empath I've become? Could it have happened any other way? </p><p>And yes I do know the answer is no....but that doesn't mean it's not a place I sit in the dark and take it up to God with.. Thankfully he doesn't leave me sitting alone. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7sSz4ZI7kr3FBDCLC818690c0TGlj7G3rv2okr2zgH8UkBEbORFBHTQhI0b6B36EdUg5pMVSk-IhqYeiBj54KgzdUEmqJXSwVlX1CwLYwjtuJjKy_mnJtH1F5JaPqf24hzwWG1H7Rdz3iO47aS4RbVuFFjd2t1CezrFc8E0jlppmykpqtibnXQi9qLA/s299/dark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="299" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7sSz4ZI7kr3FBDCLC818690c0TGlj7G3rv2okr2zgH8UkBEbORFBHTQhI0b6B36EdUg5pMVSk-IhqYeiBj54KgzdUEmqJXSwVlX1CwLYwjtuJjKy_mnJtH1F5JaPqf24hzwWG1H7Rdz3iO47aS4RbVuFFjd2t1CezrFc8E0jlppmykpqtibnXQi9qLA/s1600/dark.jpg" width="299" /></a></div><br /><p>I know that I am that someone sitting with others in the dark and I also know that God sits with me in my darkness. He's there and he's listening to me as I work through the things that sit heavy in my heart. </p><p>Another of those things is another why I guess. It was actually something I had already written down in my journaling but a friend, my very first TTTS momma of one here and one in heaven friend actually, commented about yesterday when I shared my blog. This why is something that relates to the why's of being a twin mom who can't imagine herself as one. Why is it that I can't really imagine my life if Cole was here? Why don't I have visions of Cam and Cole doing things together, of our lives as parents to twins? Goodness knows I spend enough time in these groups where people share photos and stories of their life with two that I should be able to imagine. And yet I can't. I don't see what we missed out on...I can imagine other peoples twins in the scenarios I think about for us but the images I see are never of my boys together. </p><p>So many loss moms that I've gotten to know over the years talk about having these images that flood the brains and hearts but they just aren't there for me and never really have been, I know that I've faked it through the years and said I missed those moments. I know I cried at times for milestones that didn't get to be met. I know I talked about imagining what Cole would be doing today. But in full transparency that wasn't always and accurate view of what I was feeling or imagining but more what I wished I could when it came to the things they would be doing together and it was just images of Cam hitting those milestones and wondering what it would be like to see Cole do the same....not an image of it happening if that makes sense. </p><p>And I just wonder why God has never given me a vision of Cole, And I guess why I have a gap in this area where other loss moms don't? I actually think it's likely another gift God has given me, a place he's put me in so that I don't sit in the what ifs?</p><p>Definitely something to ponder. </p><p>And now definitely time for me to go and pray and prepare for my day. </p>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-21463976364262945032022-12-06T03:39:00.002-08:002022-12-06T03:39:31.819-08:00A Light In the Darkness<p> At the start of the advent season my dear friend and pastor spoke to us about waiting in the darkness, about looking at the small light given off by the candles on the advent wreath and sitting in the darkness around it waiting for Jesus to come, waiting in the emotions that come with...well with waiting. Anticipation, yes, but also anxiousness and sometimes confusion. We spent a long time talking about where our focus is while we're waiting and what it feels like to be in that darkness. Later we prayed as a group and I asked for prayer as I began to walk in this season of memories that happens every year at this time. And my friend said to me, "Maybe this year Jod, God is asking you to sit in the darkness and explore the emotions that you feel this time of year. Not to just push through them and find my way to the other side of this darkness but to really sit in it and feel it all, reflect on those feelings and pray through it".</p><p>And so yesterday I began to work through some of it. I am journaling my way through so I thought maybe I'd write it here too because, God knows and so do many others, that I'm not the only one who feels this stuff in these seasons and God also knows that we can use our deepest pain and suffering to help others, to walk with them through theirs. </p><p>So I yesterday I wrote about sitting in the darkness, in the waiting, so full of mixed emotions, wanting to be happy, to be filled with joy at all God has blessed us with, in all the gifts God has given me that have come out since Cole passed away.</p><p>And I can see the light. It flickers up a head, guiding me forward. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0-PzdKWxVQoZFVQ33YqPJfg6v-Esoa0Qs5drZD8uMI9MyX9BE17cfLgHtlKSkIr1BnR7zEUDoqwLvIGHKpoCz-lnW-JESrKv5aUKZQPF1nhg6S7tu78l3HeSQJ3oy1UagBejQIxebdxiXAVcA8wxh8Gyj0Gv84ai8MOS3blrZ10wwWRbKnZWyw7PVPw/s400/The-light-shines-in-the-darkness-and-the-darkness-can-never-extinguish-it..jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0-PzdKWxVQoZFVQ33YqPJfg6v-Esoa0Qs5drZD8uMI9MyX9BE17cfLgHtlKSkIr1BnR7zEUDoqwLvIGHKpoCz-lnW-JESrKv5aUKZQPF1nhg6S7tu78l3HeSQJ3oy1UagBejQIxebdxiXAVcA8wxh8Gyj0Gv84ai8MOS3blrZ10wwWRbKnZWyw7PVPw/s320/The-light-shines-in-the-darkness-and-the-darkness-can-never-extinguish-it..jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>But right now I know that I need to spend time in the darkness, in the now of my emotions. It's time to explore them, where they are now and not where they have been or where they will take me as I often have. I need to explore how I feel about the journey God has taken me on and be honest about how it feels. </p><p>My biggest question has always been WHY? At times I can find answers to that. I can see and feel the things that have come from this journey and know they are so good. But right now, right here in this darkness, this feels hard. It feels like too much. I want to ask God why me? Why then? Why does something that was meant to grow my heart have to hurt so much? Why does it have to hurt so much so many years later? </p><p>God why did you give me this desire to help others pregnant with twins because being in those places, those groups where they are makes me hurt so much sometimes. It feels like I'm a glutton for punishment this time of year especially. And why this time of year? Why did we have to lose our son 12 days before Christmas when Christmas already came with some really difficult emotions from losses in the past. For those who don't know, I lost my friend, a boyfriend actually, to cancer on Christmas day in my grade 12 year and also lost a little boy I worked with....ironically, 26 years ago today. (I didn't write about this part yesterday so once again God has worked to have me explore this emotion on a day that really matters). Christmas is truly a horrible time to lose someone because it's such a season of memories anyway...and therefore a season of memories. </p><p>I have some many moments this time of year that spark a memory that brings tears and sadness. I want to push them aside and feel others want me to as well. People expect that we'll be happy this time of year and people think that a loss that's almost 14 years old won't still sit so heavy in our hearts. And people suck someitmes!!! Sorry but it's so true!</p><p>I've diverged a bit and I feel like I'm needing to pray to come back to a place to continue exploring so this may just be it for today. I will admit that it feels strange to just bring out these big feelings and let them sit but I also know God wants to bring me through this darkness so I need to sit in a bit and process and come back to it later. </p><p>Thanks for following along and for praying for me as I walk through this. </p>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-54383817534562051472021-12-13T04:18:00.000-08:002021-12-13T04:18:12.266-08:00A Teenager in heaven....<p> This morning as I sit and write my annual post I am filled with so many memories, some tears, a ton of emotions and a realization of just how far I've come. This is the first year in the 13 years since Cole left us that I haven't been filled with tearful moments in the days leading up to today. I've had a few and many of them are tied to missing my Grandma this first Christmas without her and imagining her feeding Cole her delicious shortbread and Christmas cake in heaven. I can't say I'm not sad and I can't say there aren't tears being shed as I type but I can say that there is a peace that I didn't know I could have with this time of year. Where there was once darkness there is light and hope. Where there was once only sadness there is tear filled joyful moments. Where there was once unrest, anxiety and gut wrenching sobs brought on by an onslaught of memories there is a peace that comes knowing that my son has inspired me to do so many things. </p><p>Today sweet Cole you are a teenager in heaven though your birthday here on earth isn't for another 10.5 weeks. A teenager, 13 years of heavenly existence. Just yesterday one of my fellow TTTS mommies celebrated her daughter's heavenly birthday and the words she wrote about that day hit home. Thirteen years ago you left us and thirteen years ago I died too. A new Jodie took my place. The me who I've become is a me completely inspired by you, by our journey through the diagnosis of TTTS, the surgery, the loss, the aftermath and then the healing. And oh my sweet son the healing has come so far and my heart feels such a sense of peace in the fact that you are in heaven. </p><p>I will always wonder what life would be like with you here. This morning I had a vision of you... a slightly shorter, slightly slimmer and slightly calmer version of Cameron, Many who know your twin well will laugh at the slightly calmer part because Cam is anything but calm but I do believe you would be the twin who sat back and watched more, who lived and loved with more reservation. Why do I think that? Because that's how I feel you now. You are this calming peace in my life. You are my inspiration to do better, to be better. </p><p>Without losing you I would not have done so many things. There would be at least 2 less support groups on facebook, there would be hundreds less people I had met online and a few dozen less friends that I would have. Without you leaving my faith would like different and I would have a completely different set of friends here in my day to day life than I do. Without you leaving there would certainly be over $50 000 less dollars donated to Mt. Sinai because you are my inspiration to continue with our fundraiser and your twin is the reason for the gratitude I'll always feel for all that Dr, Ryan did for us. Together that inspiration and gratitude has a created a legacy, your legacy. </p><p>I will always wonder what life with you here would look like but I know that life without you has made me who I am today it looks the way it should I suppose. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. That doesn't mean it's without tears. And it certainly doesn't mean I can ever forget the heartache of losing you but it does mean that I can move forward in peace, with joy in my heart and hope in all that I do, </p><p>I love you Cole, today, tomorrow and forever. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjgrl-gWUNiKLwMAsfcZZt2pnmkhB9nFRwspNTWMLm10aXmPmTzwlIcqBH0tV4L-2GKWt280ji4A_VmibKHVEENrjcQhSSvLoWqvkLII4Co78gDIRlRgBte0Z2pdOKVBloT0Dc9q9aP6CwMUFqNPsX5UQ1nAf0K61z030D7iKrVhEeZlmqM3JjiLikBJQ=s604" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="501" data-original-width="604" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjgrl-gWUNiKLwMAsfcZZt2pnmkhB9nFRwspNTWMLm10aXmPmTzwlIcqBH0tV4L-2GKWt280ji4A_VmibKHVEENrjcQhSSvLoWqvkLII4Co78gDIRlRgBte0Z2pdOKVBloT0Dc9q9aP6CwMUFqNPsX5UQ1nAf0K61z030D7iKrVhEeZlmqM3JjiLikBJQ=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-68678346746360806942021-12-08T18:57:00.001-08:002021-12-08T18:57:32.966-08:00Open the door and let Him in....<p> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">This past Sunday was the Sunday of Peace in the Advent season. We spent a lot of time at church talking about peace and about finding ourselves sitting in the darkness. Sometimes that darkness is a place of waiting, the place where we sit and wait and watch. It’s where we sit and wonder about our life and wonder what's coming next. And we sit there sometimes in peace. But we also talked about sitting in the darkness when you're not at peace. Sitting in the darkness and wondering why this is your life. Sitting in the darkness and wondering what the purpose of your life is. Sitting in the darkness thinking about some of the hardest moments in your life and finding that darkness sucking you in and overwhelming you.</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-fef11bd5-7fff-18a2-a223-0b56039e770e"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of my best friends is our pastor and she shared with us a story about going for a walk with someone in the last week or so who was struggling with her own darkness. She was struggling with a significant event in her past that had brought her great trauma and that she just kept going back to, that she couldn't let go of. My friend asked her to picture where Jesus was inithat hard and difficult time in her life. This young woman started to cry and she said that she couldn't see Jesus anywhere when she looked at that event, there was no signs that he was present. And so my friend told her to go back into that memory and open the door, open a window and just let Jesus into that memory. Just the act of opening your memory door and allowing Jesus in to sit with you in that place is a pretty big one, pretty deep and, I think, pretty effective to bring yourself to that place of peace. To welcome Jesus into our darkest memories so he can show us where he was sounds so healing. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2OXuc9w62gmVlfYFMEAgHxAe8us9VtlORx5UeZ0aQPD6uePLue5JQpdFrgrd0iGsVV8KE373jqNxzJMQ7Dn8jMJvNwO6DW58FJtKySIWm6oZDtykZn5crzSXWFEejgghmje8WyBQimXoy/s708/iStock-514927720.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="493" data-original-width="708" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2OXuc9w62gmVlfYFMEAgHxAe8us9VtlORx5UeZ0aQPD6uePLue5JQpdFrgrd0iGsVV8KE373jqNxzJMQ7Dn8jMJvNwO6DW58FJtKySIWm6oZDtykZn5crzSXWFEejgghmje8WyBQimXoy/s320/iStock-514927720.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><p></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the last few days I have found myself entering into my season of darkness . It always seems to kick off on December 7th, World ttts Awareness Day. I know that my darkness looks nothing like it did just under 13 years ago. It doesn't look like it did 12 years ago, 11 years ago, 10 years ago... But there's still some darkness. Sometimes I don't understand why. And so I'm taking myself back to that place. I desperately needed to know Jesus was with me that horrible day. I see glimpses of him in various moments. I see him in the moment when Geoff and I held each other up as we dealt with the earth shattering news that Cole was gone. I see him with us at them when my mom and dad walked into that hospital room just hours after we learned the worst news that any parent can ever learn. I feel him in the embraces that they gave me that day. I see him sitting with me that evening while I had another medical procedure done to try and save Cameron's life. I see him giving me the opportunity to share that with my dad, and giving me that memory that I will always cherish of my dad wiping the sweat from my brow and tears from my eyes as Dr Ryan performed yet another miraculous procedure. I see him in the joy that was on our faces when we learned that Cameron was going to be okay and that there were no lasting effects from everything that had happened. I see him riding with me in that ambulance to Toronto when my water broke and everyone was so sure that my very premature and tiny for his gestational age baby was about to arrive. I see him keeping Cameron safe inside of me for the next 7.5 weeks. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But most of all I see him and feel him as he has guided me through healing, guided me to share my story and reach out to others. I feel him motivating me to help others, sense him in the way that 12 years later we're still running a fundraiser to raise money to say thank you to Mt. Sinai. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I feel him deep within my heart when I say, as hard as it is sometimes to say it, that losing Cole was a blessing on my life. I’m not always hankful for that blessing, most definitely not thankful this time of year. But I know in my heart Jesus held me up through all of this and that he has shown me that my son can make an impact on the world without ever taking a breath. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And so today I encourage anyone who has a dark and traumatic memory that interrupts their life and makes it difficult for them to move forward, to open the door of that memory, to open the windows and let Jesus in. Sit there in those moments and let him come in and help you to heal. Let him sit with you, offer you comfort and show you that he was always there, that’s he’s never left you.</span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-72442617407383806192020-12-13T05:04:00.001-08:002020-12-13T05:04:10.928-08:00Mending A Broken Heart<p> It's quiet in my house this morning. I intentionally rose before everyone so I could have this time by myself, so I could write this annual post and have time to process what the significance of this day means to me today, this 12th anniversary of the day my life was forever changed. I'm sitting here in what has just become our office and that significance isn't lost on me either. If Cole was here this would very well be his bedroom. And oh how I wish my house was as completely full as my heart is. </p><p>As with everything in this crazy year of 2020, how I'm processing this season of memories has been very different. Last year I talked about it as a grief maturity of sorts as it just seemed easier somehow. And this year has been the easiest by far. I have shed so fear tears...until last night and today. Last night it was memories of 12 years ago yesterday that brought tears as I watched <a href="https://www.netflix.com/ca/title/81004466" target="_blank">this episode</a> of a new docuseries that reminded me of not only the surgery that was done and the pain of the loss but also the fear that came with almost losing Cam too. Today it's a flood of memories from that painful day that's brought them but it's also the realization that mending a broken heart, making a broken heart feel as full as I wish my house was, is awful and wonderful all at the same time.</p><p>My heart shattered into a million pieces in that fetal echo room at Sick Kids hospital 12 year ago today and I'm totally struggling to even see through my tears as I remember that feeling. I couldn't imagine my life without this little boy I had been preparing for, this excitement and joy that I know having twin boys would bring. I remember those painful moments, those memories of the doctor doing the scan, the colour of the walls of the room, the view of Geoff crumbling against that wall. I clearly remember wondering how I'd ever get through this, how I'd ever be whole again. The shattered pieces of my heart lay on floor at my feet and I couldn't imagine even trying to put them back together.</p><p>Over 12 years, day by day, I've experienced moments that bring each piece back into my heart. It's not perfect and it feels extremely vulnerable, at times, but my heart is full with memories and moments that I truly feel are Cole's legacy here on earth, moments he may not have had physically but definitely was part of spiritually. I've spent many hours since he left us wondering why this is my reality but I've spent far more hours knowing that Cole is with me each step of the way as I work to help others, to change the face of TTTS support and, most recently, help change the face of fetal care standards. </p><p>My sweet son, you have changed me, changed my heart and mind, more than I ever thought possible. Twelve years ago today I could not have imagined that I would be meeting over video conference with world renown fetal surgeons and other medical professionals to help set standards of care in fetal medicine but this week this happened. The timing was not lost on me. It moved the usual darkness and dread that comes over me as this day approaches to the side and gave me light, joy and hope. Hope for the future for other babies struggling in the womb and hope for other families who may walk this path we've taken but in a way that feels more supported, less lonely. A week ago today I also began the process of taking over the management of a very significant TTTS support network and again the timing wasn't lost on me. And again I felt your presence and knew you were guiding my hands and my heart as I took on this responsibility and challenge. It feels like the way I can be your mommy in my heart even if my hands are empty of that task.</p><p>And so today on this 12th anniversary of the day we learned your heart was no longer beating and you'd left us far too soon I am definitely feeling a sense of peace. I feel like I have a full heart and I can see that those pieces of my heart that lay at my feet in Toronto 12 years ago have found a way to fit back together again. And for that I am so very comforted today. </p><p>My heart is full and the pieces are put back in place...but the cracks of that shattering will always be there. This day will always have sadness to it. I will always be sad that I don't have you here with me and that we all lost out on the joy of knowing you here. No day will go by that I don't miss you and wonder who you'd be today. And no day will go by where I don't wonder who I'd be today if none of this had happened. I am who I am because I've been where I've been and that's the biggest part of your legacy sweet son of mine...moving and changing the world through my head, my hands and feet and through my heart. </p><p>And so today I will shed tears and I will remember all the heartache of this day. I will remember you and I will wish and wonder. That's what this day will always be. Today I will miss you deeply Cole. Today I will feel aches that consume me at times. And today I will also know that it is ok to live in these moments of missing you and wishing you were here because without them I wouldn't have the other moments where I feel your presence, feel the push from you to be hope in the darkness for someone else, feel your love and light in what I do for others in honour of you. </p><p>Forever I will love you. Forever I will miss you. Forever I will be so glad you are mine. </p>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-1612760340917184542020-04-06T12:21:00.000-07:002020-04-06T12:21:22.575-07:00What if the trials of this life are mercies in disguise...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A few years ago I read singer songwriter Laura Story's autobiography and was quite moved by her song 'Blessings'...and I may have even blogged about it. Recently I came across her song again and can't stop listening to it these days. I had planned a blog post about this song weeks before our current world crisis but now it seems even more applicable. If you aren't familiar with it take a listen and check out the lyrics below.<br />
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<i>Blessings</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>We pray for blessings, we pray for peace</i><br />
<i>Comfort for family, protection while we sleep</i><br />
<i>We pray for healing, for prosperity</i><br />
<i>We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering</i><br />
<i>And all the while, You hear each spoken need</i><br />
<i>Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops</i><br />
<i>What if Your healing comes through tears</i><br />
<i>What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near</i><br />
<i>What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear</i><br />
<i>We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near</i><br />
<i>We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love</i><br />
<i>As if every promise from Your word is not enough</i><br />
<i>And all the while, You hear each desperate plea</i><br />
<i>And long that we'd have faith to believe</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops</i><br />
<i>What if Your healing comes through tears</i><br />
<i>What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near</i><br />
<i>What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>When friends betray us</i><br />
<i>When darkness seems to win</i><br />
<i>We know the pain reminds this heart</i><br />
<i>That this is not</i><br />
<i>This is not our home</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>It's not our home</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops</i><br />
<i>What if Your healing comes through tears</i><br />
<i>And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life</i><br />
<i>Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy</i><br />
<i>And what if trials of this life-</i><br />
<i>The rain, the storms, the hardest nights</i><br />
<i>Are Your mercies in disguise</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I get teary eyed every time I listen to this song and I'm not going to lie, right now, at this moment I am all but sobbing. Why? Because this song speaks to my heart so very much. It reminds me of the heartbreak that we experienced when we lost Cole, and, not going to lie, the heartache I continue to feel when I think of him, when I remember our journey, when I find myself wishing that we hadn't lost him. And it makes me realize that nothing in this life is guaranteed....except God's love.<br />
It's a hard concept to take in for many and for me, too, at times. To wrap your head around the idea that the toughest things we go through can be the things that change us the most, that impact us for the better the most. They are the things that break us of our ways that keep us from connecting with Jesus. They are the things that make us question what we've been taught about God, about Jesus, about faith. And they are the things that bring us to our knees, that nearly break us and make us hit rock bottom. And from there...well from there the only thing to do is to cling to faith. <br />
Our journey with TTTS definitely was a mercy in disguise. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. It made me question everything I'd ever known about faith, made me turn away from people who offered prayers and words of faith. It made me ask why over and over again. I struggled to find myself in this new normal but in time I began to see how God could use this journey, use me, to bring hope to others. I began to lean on Him in a way that I didn't know I could. I entered into a relationship with Jesus that I didn't know could exist. But it didn't come easy and it didn't come without prayers...prayers that didn't seem to be answered or heard. <br />
Because so often the hardest thing about finding your way to a place of peace, to these mercies in disguise, is to pray..and not receive. We pray for our families to be protected, for wisdom in making decisions, for healing, for God to ease suffering. And when our prayers aren't answered the way we envision, when we don't hear God's voice when we are trying to make decisions, when suffering continues and healing isn't happening, we often turn from God. We feel angry. We feel alone. And it is in these moments that we need to trust God and to feel his steadfast love. <br />
I don't know about you but my anxiety has been on overdrive for the last 3 weeks. This virus is overwhelming at time. The news is intimidating and the changes that every single day seem to bring feels like something I can't manage, can't live through. Everything we've known as normal has become a distant memory or a dream of the future when we might be back there again. Living in the here and now doesn't feel good and it keeps me up at night, it makes me cry at times and it completely overwhelms me at others. Sometimes I wonder where God is in all of this. <br />
But what if that's it....the tears, the sleepless nights, the worry and fear feeling overwhelming, the anxiety feeling consuming, the wait for answers or healing, the suffering moments ending in loss of life...what if all of those moments are meant to change us, to mold us, to make us see that this world can not give us what He can. What if <i>what if trials of this life, </i><i>The rain, the storms, the hardest nights </i><i>Are God's mercies in disguise?</i><br />
God wants nothing more from us but for us to lean into Him, He wants nothing more than for us to enter in to a relationship with Him...a trusting and meaningful relationship. We can't see what this journey through this devastating virus will bring us to, we can't always see positives, light at the end of the tunnel, a purpose...anything positive. <br />
And yet the world is slowing down. Families are enjoying hours of time together. Parents are seeing the workings of their kids brains as they explore and learn. Communities are coming together to support one another. World leaders are showing their true selves, showing sides of themselves that often are hidden, bringing (or not bringing) compassion and empathy into the words they express to the people who look to them for leadership, support and guidance during difficult times. God is behind all of that. Every. Single. Step. He's behind this. <br />
This trial will eventually be behind us and we will be changed because of it. And I am so grateful that at every twist in the road of this journey I know God will be there, Jesus will be walking beside me and the Holy Spirit will speak into me with words and actions that can only be considered supernatural. <br />
Lean into Him. Let this be His mercy in disguise. Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-89370898016916918382020-03-27T07:01:00.000-07:002020-03-27T07:04:01.605-07:00Resisting the Negative Thoughts<div>
For over a week I've been feeling the urge to get back to writing, to use writing as an outlet for the emotions this pandemic has brought to my life. And for much longer than that I've had ideas brewing in my head for some pretty deep and meaningful (I hope) posts. But then life. It just seems to get in the way and things since to keep distracting me. My new normal of being at home with the kids but still working and on home assignment (still working out what that will look like....for now it's reading lots of emails and staying in contact with my students/their parents via social media, texting etc) and trying to get them to do some school work, some practical skills (cook and bake, clean and organize) all while daily the rules, the restrictions, the recommendations and, sadly, the number of cases and deaths changes and I feel like the news channel is a magnet that keeps me stuck in front of the tv, lead my mind to challenging places and my fears to rule my heart. </div>
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But today my friend Jennie posted this on facebook and it's helping to ground me....in Him.</div>
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Me: Okay, God, here's the thing. I'm scared. I'm trying not to be, but I am.</div>
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God: I know. Want to talk about it?</div>
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Me: Do we need to? I mean, you already know.</div>
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God: Let's talk about it anyway... We've done this before.</div>
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Me: I know, I just feel like I should be bigger or stronger of something by now.</div>
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God: *waiting patiently, unhurried, undistracted, never annoyed.</div>
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Me: Okay. So, I'm afraid I'll do everything I can to protect my family and it won't be enough. I'm afraid of someone I love dying. I'm afraid the world won't go back to what it was before. I'm afraid my life is always going to feel a little bit unsettled.</div>
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God: Anything else?</div>
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Me: EVERYTHING ELSE.</div>
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God: Remember how your son woke up the other night and came running down the hall to your bedroom?</div>
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Me: Yes.</div>
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God: You were still awake, so when you heard him running, you started calling out to him before he even got to you... remember? Do you remember what you called out to him?</div>
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Me: I said, "You're okay! You're okay! You're okay! I'm here."</div>
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God: Why did you call to him? Why didn't you just wait for him to get to your room?</div>
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Me: Because I wanted him to know that I was awake, and I heard him, and he didn't have to be afraid until he reached the end of the dark hallway.</div>
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God: Exactly. I hear you, my child. I hear your thoughts racing like feet down the dark hallway. There's an other side to all of this. I'm there already. I've seen the end of it. And I want you to know right here as you walk through it all, you're okay. I haven't gone to sleep, and I won't.</div>
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Me: *crying. Can we sit together awhile? Can we just sit here a minute before I go back to facing it all?</div>
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God: There's nothing I'd love more.</div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: inherit;">I don't have to be brave, certain or confident in this, I just need to rest in Him, to lean into His protective arms and feel assured that's I'm ok, that our world is ok, that God's got this. I may not be able to see that right now but He can. </span></div>
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And as I think about that I remember <a href="https://www.faithgateway.com/think-good-thoughts/#.Xn3xFG5Fzv8" target="_blank">this devotion</a> I shared last week. Max Lucado is a wise man with a great sense of what the world needs to hear at times like this. While he didn't write this in our current times, it certainly does apply. I was quite drawn to the discussion on Philippians 4:6-8</div>
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<span class="text Phil-4-6" id="en-NIV-29449" style="box-sizing: border-box;"><sup class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "Arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"><br /></sup></span></div>
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<i><span class="text Phil-4-6" id="en-NIV-29449" style="box-sizing: border-box;"><sup class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "Arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">6 </sup>Do not be anxious about anything,<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-29449H" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29449H" title="See cross-reference H">H</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.62em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></sup> but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-29449I" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29449I" title="See cross-reference I">I</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.62em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></sup></span> <span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NIV-29450" style="box-sizing: border-box;"><sup class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "Arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">7 </sup>And the peace of God,<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-29450J" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29450J" title="See cross-reference J">J</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.62em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></sup> which transcends all understanding,<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-29450K" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29450K" title="See cross-reference K">K</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.62em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></sup> will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.</span></i></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span><br />
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<i><span class="text Phil-4-8" id="en-NIV-29451" style="box-sizing: border-box;"><sup class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "Arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">8 </sup>Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.</span> <span class="text Phil-4-9" id="en-NIV-29452" style="box-sizing: border-box;"><sup class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "Arial"; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">9 </sup>Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-29452L" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29452L" title="See cross-reference L">L</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.62em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></sup> And the God of peace<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-29452M" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-29452M" title="See cross-reference M">M</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.62em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></sup> will be with you.</span></i></div>
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That's something I definitely wasn't doing enough, bringing my requests to God, and especially not with Thanksgiving. Sometimes that's pretty hard. But breaking down this scripture and find ways to celebrate things in my life definitely is changing my mindset. And so like the woman Max Lucado shared with his readers, I decided to break things down....</div>
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“Finally, brothers, whatever is true…” What is true in my life at this particular moment? <em style="font-style: italic;">The blessing of all my family spending time together at an age where my boys have begun to resist family time. </em></div>
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“Whatever is noble.” <em style="font-style: italic;">The blessing that seeing the compasssion and concern my children are showing for those most vulnerable to this disease is. </em></div>
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“Whatever is right.” <em style="font-style: italic;">The blessing of seeing the world stepping up to support those most vulnerable and at risk to the virus...the elderly, the compromised and the marginalized....perhaps especially the marginalized. I've seen so many amazing posts about donations and assistance for low income families and for homeless individuals. </em></div>
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“Whatever is pure.” <em style="font-style: italic;">The blessing of hearing the pure innocent laughter of my middle son as he watched the waves of Lake Huron crash into the pier on our 'homeschool field trip'. This child guards his emotions and pushes out a tough kid attitude so often, he tries so hard to hide his true heart and his 'inner child' so often. This laughter was such a pure moment!!!!</em></div>
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“Whatever is lovely.” <em style="font-style: italic;">The blessing of the love so many are showing each other in these times. The messages I get almost daily from friends checking in on me, the love I feel for the people who care so deeply for others. </em></div>
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“Whatever is admirable.” <em style="font-style: italic;">The blessing of a caring and compassionate leader, the strength I see our Prime Minister and the decisions our government has made to help support our country in this crisis is very admirable. </em></div>
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“If anything is excellent.” <em style="font-style: italic;">The blessing of watching my children work together to make cookies to bless others with. </em></div>
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“Or praiseworthy.” <em style="font-style: italic;">The blessing of worshiping a God, a Father, who is there, always, for his children, who forgives them time and time again and welcomes them into His rest. </em></div>
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“Think about such things.”</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">As Max pointed out, there are a great many things we don't have control over....and nothing is so clear to us then when we are going through a crisis such as this. But what we do have control over is our mindset, our thoughts. </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: black; font-size: 16px; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px 0px 10px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><em style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #666666; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: center; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> — </span><a class="bibleref" href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%204:23&version=NIV&src=tools" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; outline-color: invert; outline-style: none; outline-width: medium; text-align: center; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; transition-delay: 0s; transition-duration: 0.2s; transition-property: all; transition-timing-function: ease; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;" target="_BLANK">Proverbs 4:23</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #002000;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If you want to be stuck in perpetual worry, in fear, in uncertainty, then let your thoughts wonder to all the confusion, chaos, fear and anxiety the world has to offer right now. Dwell on the people who aren't helping the situation, stew about all the things you can't do right now and all that you don't have. If </span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;">you 'want<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; display: inline !important; float: none; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> to be happy tomorrow? Then sow seeds of happiness today.' Look at the blessings you do have, enjoy the time with the people you are with in your home, encourage others, walk outside and see the beauty of God's creations. </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; display: inline !important; float: none; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Allowing the darkness of the unknown to come into our hearts will begin to extinguish our inner light. It will bring us to a place of sadness and frustration and it will tear us down. Let the light in. Let your thoughts be positive, your energy be uplifting. Be a beacon of hope for yourself and those around you. </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; display: inline !important; float: none; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Don't choose anxiety, fear and darkness. Choose trust, hope and light. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3BwsITGFfXMa9MAj4NpGPH4ss5ACgRqL8cnEfcWYVUSBw7ubPdlOuoLl-mXa-8wu3PsH7iELd4R5vJhwVKeoeTs9XXH16kSKZzq-Q5lV1iOqCkXnP4L4WsUqP3wor5w9AR7SdmEYMS5nz/s1600/Anxious_for_Nothing_-_Meme_-_32-768x768.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3BwsITGFfXMa9MAj4NpGPH4ss5ACgRqL8cnEfcWYVUSBw7ubPdlOuoLl-mXa-8wu3PsH7iELd4R5vJhwVKeoeTs9XXH16kSKZzq-Q5lV1iOqCkXnP4L4WsUqP3wor5w9AR7SdmEYMS5nz/s320/Anxious_for_Nothing_-_Meme_-_32-768x768.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-63985963699846774232020-03-05T04:30:00.000-08:002020-03-05T11:05:43.353-08:00Make a Choice<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">For many years, all of my childhood and half my adult life I am guessing, I didn't really grasp that Jesus, God and the holy spirit were separate entities so to speak and yet one in the same. For me I think I believed that God was the supreme being and Jesus was his voice on earth, his son who came to teach us and save us, connected to each other but not one in the same. The holy spirit wasn't something I understood at all and definitely not something I understood to dwell within me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I began to pray with intent for my boys, my pregnancy, the crisis we were going through and actually felt like I had been given a clear answer to prayers from God at times my faith began to change. It started as the tiniest of mustard seeds and slowly began to grow but it took a crisis in my marriage, a rock bottom hit for my husband that lead him to accepting Jesus into his life and our subsequent change to more living faith for me to begin to grasp the trinity, to grasp that Jesus was God and the holy spirit was their voice inside my head and heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Exploring that has not been easy and many times I come across something that really makes me think, really rips what I believe apart or at least makes me work to come to terms with it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I recently read a christian fiction novel called Self Incrimination by Randy Singer. The main character in the book, surprise surprise, goes through a personal crisis which forces her to explore her faith and beliefs and eventually give her heart to Jesus. She, herself, is reading 'Mere Christianity' by C.S. Lewis and as she digs deep in to her belief that Jesus was a great teacher and God was all the all powerful being she explores this quote in the book.</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”</span></i></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Now if you are like me, wrapping your head around what Lewis is saying there takes some time, brain power and deep thinking. Thankfully I had the author of the book, the character in the book, to help me process it with this part being key....</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse.</span></i></h1>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You must make a choice. Either Christ as God or Christ as lunatic. It's that simple. If Jesus came and did all that he did and said all that he did then he's either crazy a jaybird, as evil as the devil or he's not just merely a teacher about God but He IS God! It's that simple! Jesus was so much more than just a teacher, he did so much more than just come to teach. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As the character analyzed her view on why she had resisted Christ as God and not as only 'the good teacher', I realized that I definitely had my own resistance to overcome in fully trusting God too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You see the character had lost her first husband at a very young age to cancer. At the time she had been attending church faithfully and prayed often. She prayed for her husband to be healed and she believed that God had not answered her prayers, that God had allowed her husband to die. So if Christ was God then Christ, Jesus the good teacher, had allowed her husband to die. He had heard her prayers and allowed him to die. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And as I read that part I felt myself go back in time to a hospital room, a woman who looked an awful lot like me holding and rubbing her pregnant belly and praying for the two baby boys inside of her. Praying to God to heal those babies and to keep them safe. And then finding out 36 hours later than one of them was gone. And losing bits of her faith, questioning a God that could make her pregnant with two babies only to take one of them away. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I realized that I definitely struggled with loving Jesus and God as the same because I couldn't sort out 'the good teacher' from the 'all powerful God'. Jesus has always been 'good' to me and I've never really thought of him as a being who had the power to give and to take away. He was here to give, to serve, to teach....right??? Right??? But when I look at it from the perspective of an all powerful being who willingly came here to teach God's people, to model what God wants from us, to serve us all the time knowing that he was going to die, that he was going to be the passover lamb who would be a sacrifice for our sins then I know he was so much more than a good teacher and that he was, is and forever shall be, God. And if He is God then He is just as responsible for answering my prayers in a way that was not what I wanted. He is just as 'responsible' for my son's death as God is. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Jesus allowed my son's death. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Wow! When I say it that way it does kind of hurt and it brings me to a place where I realize that there are times when I still feel anger about this, to a place where I just don't understand the why. It brings me to a place of questions...still, even now, 11+ years later. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Just last night we talked about facing a wall in our faith and how we have to overcome the wall, go over the wall, or we just will move to a different place and hit the wall again. My friend actually moved me as an example when talking about how hard it is to overcome the wall and how easy it is to get stuck in the 'why'. I've talked about this before <a href="https://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.com/2019/08/caught-up-in-why.html" target="_blank">in this blog post </a> and this message still rings true to me....</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don’t know why my son died. I don’t know why my twins didn’t get to grow up together. I don’t know why this is the path of my life. What I do know is that God is walking it with me, that Jesus came and met me in a few different ways, in a few different places and brought me stories, people and information out of nowhere….all of which gave me hope. What I do know is that God has given me a gift to write and the Holy Spirit breathes words into me that I can share that may help others find that hope too. And what I also know is that someday we will all be reunited again. Someday the answers to the why’s will be clear….or perhaps clearer. For now I will focus on what….what I can do with what I know, what I experienced, what I see, what I sense and what I feel. For now the what is all that matters.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;">That's what got me over the wall of my journey but it certainly wasn't found in the moment, in the days, weeks or months afterwards either. It was part of a life journey, a choice I had to make to move my head and heart in that direction and still has many unanswered questions. And that's ok. It's natural and it's a human response to spirit filled moments and to every day moments too. The important part to me is that I have given it to God and I've accepted that Jesus came to set me free. I'm working to continue to trust Him and am exploring what that really means for me in my life. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;">I've made a choice to believe, to trust and to follow. </span></span></div>
Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-795246790110329222020-02-04T13:30:00.000-08:002020-02-04T13:30:02.174-08:00Only You can Decide....I recently saw this quote on facebook and it's really made me think.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvHxrMlDy2azL4BflbewynjGOr1DrcynjIOek3VNr9VT8exM7z0ThTg8aAGbAYminDVWu8UyVtW7kLBfGEHds4StBfii_ysJITc8AezENCLbo48If-0RlWkGepoS2jjutBNoXml3kDYM_o/s1600/Walk-the-earth.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="656" data-original-width="656" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvHxrMlDy2azL4BflbewynjGOr1DrcynjIOek3VNr9VT8exM7z0ThTg8aAGbAYminDVWu8UyVtW7kLBfGEHds4StBfii_ysJITc8AezENCLbo48If-0RlWkGepoS2jjutBNoXml3kDYM_o/s400/Walk-the-earth.png" width="400" /></a></div>
It can be applied to so many situations in your life but it speaks volumes to me when it comes to the loss of a loved one or a crisis in your life where a loved one's life is permanently altered. When I think about our own situation, the diagnosis of TTTS and the outcome of all that it brought, I can remember how unfair it seemed. Wrapping my head around having twins when we weren't even planning to have one more baby took months and then in less than two days it was ripped from me. I was devastated. I was angry. I was so frustrated at not being able to sort out my emotions and yes, for many, many months I was bitter. Why did one family get to keep their twins and raise them together when mine were permanently separated by heaven and earth? And how the hell was I supposed to get through it.<br />
I don't actually know how I put myself on a path to get through it, don't actually really remember making a conscious decision to do it. I know now that it was a path God guided me to and I do remember clearly feeling right from the start that I needed to make this loss mean more than heartbreak, that I needed Cole's life to be more than just a life cut short. But I know it was such a struggle. I didn't want the cards I had been dealt, this wasn't what was supposed to be my life.<br />
And I know that this is what is felt by many people who have lost a loved one, especially a child. It's what is felt by someone dealing with a child's terminal illness diagnosis. It's what goes through the mind of someone diagnosed with cancer. It is how someone who has gone through downsizing at a job they love feels. The list could go on and on.<br />
The fact is that we don't get to decide what cards we are dealt. We can't switch hands for the spare hand like in some card games. We get what we get and as I said back in December in this <a href="https://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.com/2019/12/i-am-who-i-am.html" target="_blank">post</a>, we are who we are today because we've been where we've been.<br />
What we can decide is how to play the hand we've been dealt. And at the start of a trial, of a crisis, of an unplanned life journey, it's very hard not to be bitter. It's hard not to feel frustrated that your plans have been interrupted. It's almost impossible not to feel angry at some point or another. And, in all honesty, it's pretty hard not to have moments of bitterness.<br />
But only you can decide if you will be bitter or if you will be better because of the hand you were dealt. You can decide, willingly decide, to live in that place of regret, of sadness, of frustration or bitterness. Or you can take the hand you were dealt and 'play the hell' of it. Take that crisis and all that you've learned from it and turn it into something amazing. Turn it into a learning experience for yourself and for others. Take what you've learned and help others to learn from it too.<br />
This I also see in groups I belong to, in the faces of friends around me who've definitely been dealt cards that seemed impossible to play. I see people who've become a rock of support for others because they understand how hard this journey is. I see people who've decided to be the voice of change, the catalyst for change to happen by learning everything they can, by expressing what they've learned to others so they can play their own cards so much easier.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0DZ_o5CiEPq0wkNnLArnkyOAgvUPEYgC_OWsMRXaUZn_7euUYamZLsCAXmick2Ukw1ExKW4EW8V7Q5UMZ6ZtOz3UbbufZhCNN0Ff-NVo60VqxZzvxv_dr3YJoR1ddLyiL4Z6zYeAIprNs/s1600/cards.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0DZ_o5CiEPq0wkNnLArnkyOAgvUPEYgC_OWsMRXaUZn_7euUYamZLsCAXmick2Ukw1ExKW4EW8V7Q5UMZ6ZtOz3UbbufZhCNN0Ff-NVo60VqxZzvxv_dr3YJoR1ddLyiL4Z6zYeAIprNs/s1600/cards.jpg" /></a></div>
The only key that is missing from this quote....<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><i>DECIDE. You are the only one in charge of your destiny. Unfair things may happen to you, unfortunate times may come to you but you ALWAYS get to choose how you respond. You can live in frustration or bitterness, or you can be the bigger person and just play the hell out of the cards you are dealt. Because the truth is in this world, not a single person chooses the cards they receive, but every single person chooses how to play them </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;">is that, for me anyway, God must be a part of it all. I had to let go of thoughts of why things happened, why God allowed it to happen, what I was supposed to learn from it...the whole 'everything happens for a reason' idea and just accept that things happen and God is there to guide me to the next place, God is there to help me pick up the pieces of my life, to pick up the cards I was dealt and to help me to know which card to lay next. I know I don't always ask Him when I should and that I try to play my cards without listening to His voice, but I also know that I can choose to give to Him for guidance and trust that He will provide, guide and help me decide or I can choose to play my cards alone and live for me. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;">All of it is my choice and I choose to play this game of life with joy, love and hope present every day. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-42961867505621031672020-01-21T18:03:00.004-08:002020-01-21T18:03:50.628-08:00Your Story NEEDS to be Told!Over the last few weeks I've seen three different comments in a group I help run for TTTS about sharing 'positive stories'. I'm not going to lie, comments like that get my back up each and every time. They have best of intentions but when you write a post that starts out with something like 'All through my pregnancy I avoided this group because I only wanted to read positive stories and I vowed if I had one I would share it here' it makes those without 'positive stories' feel like their stories don't have value or maybe have less value. <br />
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The thing is that every story, EVERY SINGLE STORY, has a place. Every story to struggle, of trials and challenges, of obstacles, of hope, joy, sorrow and sadness...they all have a purpose and they all need to be shared. <br />
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Each story should be shared because it can impact someone without us even knowing it. It can motivate someone to ask more questions. It can push someone to seek, ask, search, reach out...anything but stay in the moment that is causing distress. It can be the tipping point someone needs to say 'something isn't right'. It can be the trigger to encourage someone to seek answers to a long gone crisis that still hurts so much. It can be a spark to begin the healing glow, the encouragement needed to work to find peace. Sometimes it's just the bit of comfort someone needs to feel much less alone. <br />
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Whatever it is, whatever it does for someone else who hears it, it's got so much value and it should be shared. We can't only share the stories of perfect endings because perfect endings aren't reality. We can't only show the positive outcomes, the stories where the villain is slain and the hero wins because sometimes the villain isn't slain right away. Sometimes that villain seems to have won. Sometimes death seems to defeat, tragedy seems to prevail, cancer seems to win. But don't stop reading the story there, keep reading to find the hope. And don't stop telling the story there either. Life for one may have ended there at that tragic point but it continued for everyone left behind.<br />
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I've always felt that way about the loss of Cole. His story of life ended on December 13, 2008 but his story didn't end there because I kept living. I kept living and I kept sharing the boys and their story. I kept trying to help others by what I learned through the journey we took with them. I kept striving for better care for others, kept working to raise awareness and funds to help, I did what I could to keep finding hope and joy in the way that I felt Cole lived on in my heart. His story didn't end because my story hasn't ended. I pray my story won't end because someone has been inspired by me to keep going. <br />
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Sometime in the last week I read this<a href="https://www.faithgateway.com/gluten-free-pasta-the-failure-of-perfection/#.XidGdGhKi1s" target="_blank"> devotional</a> and it gave me another reason to keep sharing the stories of trials that we aren't sure how we got through. Sharing our stories with others not only offers hope, it opens up a level of trust and connection that can't happen any other way but by opening up our hearts to others. As the author, Nicole realized, Jeannie's<i> '</i><span style="background-color: white;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">willingness to share with raw vulnerability didn’t cause her to back up but to lean in.'</span> </i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Being open, sharing your story, and with it, your heart, is hard and it's vulnerable but it allows for a door to be opened. If we can trust someone with our most vulnerable places then we can move our relationship to a place of connection and of closeness that allows us to build trust, to love, to care and to grow. It allows a friendship to go years beyond the life it's traveled together, to go back in time so to speak. It tears down the walls that we build around ourselves at times because we've been allowed into their vulnerable place. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This particular line really spoke to me...</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"</span></i></span><span style="background-color: white;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her vulnerability caused the space between us to collapse, and it challenged my ideas about what really draws us to one another." </span></i><span style="font-family: inherit;">When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with each other then we are drawn into each other's lives in a way that </span>transcends<span style="font-family: inherit;"> time, in a way that makes us feel that person has been part of our story and us theirs for so much longer than the reality it has existed for. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;">And when we think about human nature we can see that sharing this kind of vulnerability goes against the inner grain of many people and has for many years. As Nicole puts it....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">"<i> </i></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px;"><i>Ever since Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, recognized their nakedness, and felt shame, the human race (regardless of culture) has been prone to hiding. We have become people who are tempted to shield our private selves with carefully constructed public selves. Adam and Eve physically hid themselves with fig leaves. We don’t tend to use foliage in this way anymore, but we are a people familiar with hiding, aren’t we? And hiding doesn’t just look like withdrawal. Hiding is anything we do to try to protect ourselves from pain: blame, shame, control, or escape."</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We hide our stories for many reasons....shame or blame, guilt or confusion, distrust, escape, denial....the list could go on and on. But when we share our stories we open up a place for healing in both ourselves and the person who is listening. We allow the listener to see that there is hope. We need to tell our stories so we can connect to others. We need to connect to others so we can see how healing happens. We need to see how it's happened in their lives and they nee to see how it's happened in ours. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So share your story and never stop sharing it. I'll listen and I'm very certain many other hearts are listening too. </span></span><br />
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Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-81068737202719815072019-12-31T23:00:00.000-08:002020-01-21T12:02:26.384-08:00End Your Year IntentionallyNote - I wrote this at the end of 2019 and somehow it never posted. I came on today to write a new post and it was there...in full draft form! Oh well! Best of intentions! I did back date the post so I appears I published it on time!<br />
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So it's the end of 2019. It was a pretty good year. It had lots of ups including our first family vacation (that actually started at the end of 2018 and had us away for New Years) and a few downs including watching some family members cope with unexpected loss and watching my own in laws come to another stage in their lives and, eventually, live apart for the first time in 65+ years. I came across <a href="https://nosidebar.com/intentionally/" target="_blank">this article </a>the other day and decided I would like to reflect on 2019 more than focus on goals for 2020. It's not that I don't want to focus on the future but I think you can't go forward if you don't remember where you've been and what you've learned there then going forward is going to be a very slow process.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">1. What makes this year unforgettable?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: bold;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In 2019 we took our first family vacation and I got to see the world through my kids eyes in a way that I never had. Their amazement at places like The Grand Canyons (even though it was all covered in snow) and cacti was really awesome!</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">2. What did you enjoy doing this year?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Getting back to daily workouts and feeling the energy that comes with hard earned sweat was likely the thing I enjoyed the most this year. It became something I craved. So much so that even while on vacation in the summer I got up early to go for walks and on the only night I came home mid vacation I set my alarm to get up to work out!</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">3. What/who is the one thing/person you’re grateful for?</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not a who but a group of who's...whom???? My family. Without them I would have no idea what my purpose is. While I realize that life can change in a heartbeat and anything could happen to 'my purpose', but I know that my family is my greatest mission field and my greatest purpose in life right now. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">4. What’s your biggest win this year?</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Without getting into to detail, late this year I finally came to place where I could draw a line in the sand on some areas of my life that I wasn't willing to compromise on and to another person I was able to voice that their lack of communication was very hurtful and threatened to destroy relationships. While I don't know if my courage to voice these things would spark change, I do know that a weight lifted from my shoulders and the burden of keeping it inside for years was gone. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">5. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I finally watched The Shack and then reread the book. So much of what I believe about God was expressed in that book and movie. It was wonderful to feel like a famous movie/book 'got me'! Now if only I could get to blogging through the study guide I bought! Maybe a goal for 2020!</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">6. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My in laws, their health, where they would need to live...all definitely things that consumed the worry spaces of my brain. We, as a family, were definitely working as a team, which was so awesome to see, and we learned that there was much to learn about the affects of health on aging, that things aren't always as they seemed, that the best laid plans would sometimes go astray. In the end we learned that the thing that worried us the most concerning long term care planning was something that wasn't even on the radar, and that being forced to live apart would actually be the best thing for both of them. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">7. What was your biggest regret and why?</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My biggest regret of 2019....not trusting myself enough, not loving myself as God made me enough, not trusting God enough. I need to call on Him more, ask him for wisdom, for confidence, for self love more. I am vowing to lean on Him more in 2020 and to see my heart more and celebrate my successes, not criticize my failures. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">8. What’s one thing that changed about yourself?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I don't feel like I changed much, feel like there's so much more to do but I think I can at least feel like I began to change my habit of sitting back and not speaking up to some important people in my life about things they do that hurt me and those I love the most. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">9. What surprised you the most this year?</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I was going to write about something that was a disappointing surprise that relates to point 8 and 4 but I don't want to focus on the negative, on the disappointments. Instead I want to focus on a surprise that happened on the very day I last posted on the blog...on Cole's heavenly birthday. That day we went to Mt Sinai as we always do. Not only was I surprised with a beautiful card and touching gift but I was also shocked to learn that Dr. Ryan had actually said he could not fit a cheque presentation into his day on Dec. 13th, on his clinic day and asked for it to be rescheduled. When his assistant told him who the cheque presentation was with and why it needed to be that day he immediately changed his plans to fit us in. Surprising and very touching. I felt so valued and so touched. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , serif; font-size: 19px; font-weight: 600; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">10. If you could go back to last January 1, what suggestions would you give your past self?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Let go and let God. Just let Him breath into your life Jodie. Let Him fill you with the confidence and self love that you lack. Let Him guide you instead of you trying to figure it out. Trust Him!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">And now off to 2020 I go. As am typing this I am listening to KLOVE online and hearing the song Confidence. May this be my mantra for 2020!</span></span><br />
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<i><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Give me faith like Daniel in the lion's den</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">So I can face my giants with confidence</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I'll face my giants with confidence</span></i>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-77060337282993658022019-12-13T03:49:00.002-08:002020-12-13T04:11:45.918-08:00The Reality of 11 Years<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">The house is quiet this morning as I sit here writing my annual post, as I sit here thinking, remembering, feeling...and crying. </span><br />
<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">Other years I often have thought of and even wrote down part of what I want to say this anniversary day. Not this year. This year has been different. This year has been easier for some reason. We decorated the tree a few weeks ago and I hung all of Cole's ornaments on the tree without any tears. I've talked about him, about our journey and about TTTS so much lately and felt little sadness. It's been very interesting, like a grief maturity, and I wondered if this year's anniversary would be different too, not so hard, not filled with sobbing as I remember, as I feel. </span><br />
<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">Going to sleep last night I knew that wouldn't be the case because for the first time ever in these 11 years, I had vivid flashbacks of the weeks and weeks of my twin pregnancy, of telling people I was pregnant, of sharing ultrasounds, of shopping for our double stroller for weeks on end (incidentally the only thing we'd purchased by 23 weeks when diagnosis happened....and incidentally one of the things I thought of as I lay in the room where the news was delivered to us...how I never wanted to see that stroller again). I remembered so many things all at once and it seemed to end with remembering going to bed after having the surgery so full of fear and yet of optimism too.</span><br />
<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">So I decided this morning that I just needed to remember and to feel. I read back through <a href="https://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.com/2016/12/stories-of-hope-jodie-story-10.html" target="_blank">this account of that day</a> and sobbed and then just sat back to remember and to feel...</span><br />
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">And literally it was a memory of a physical feeling that triggered such a strong emotional reaction. I remember waking up that morning, likely at a similar hour to this. It was quiet and dark and I couldn't sleep any longer. And then I felt it. Strong and powerful kicks from the left side of my uterus, from Cole's side of my uterus. I was filled with joy, with a reassurance that he was alive and ok. </span><br />
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">Hours later I would learn he wasn't ok, that everything was not ok nor would it ever be that version of ok again. I learned that Cole's heart was not beating and I knew that my heart would never be the same again. I lost a bit of my mind in those moments, understandably so, but I also lost a piece of my heart and a piece of myself that I know I'll never get back. </span><br />
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">The memories of that day are so vivid....the words the doctor said, Geoff crumbling into the wall, me rolling away from the doctor and trying to curl up and let the wold swallow me up. The memory of feeling like my heart just broke into a 1000 pieces and that I could not go on. </span><br />
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">And this morning it was the memory of that strong kick, that final goodbye from my sweet son Cole that did me in. My hands rubbed my stomach, remembering that kick and almost begging it to happen again, to have him kick again and then keep on kicking in that time, in the days to follow in 2008 so that the course of my life would have changed, that his life wouldn't have ended on Dec 13th and instead I would have felt his kicks for weeks to come and welcomed him alive and kicking with his twin brother some 11 weeks later. </span><br />
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">But that's not my reality and the reality is, the reality of 11 years without my precious son, is that, despite that last few weeks and even days being much easier than other years, today is hard. Today I miss my son. Today I wish I was soon planning to wake up my twins for school instead one of them for our annual trip to Toronto to honour the other one. </span><br />
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">My dear, sweet Cole....oh how mommy misses you. I miss all that should have been and I miss all that could be. I feel so lucky to be your mom, to know you and feel you every day. I wish you were here and yet I know you are...in my heart and in all that you inspire in all of us. Thank you for being you, for giving us all you have. </span><br />
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif">I love and miss you sweet boy...today, tomorrow and forever. </span><br />
<br />Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-37878198941463639082019-12-10T08:52:00.000-08:002019-12-10T08:52:05.758-08:00Broken by Mourning to Find Hope AgainYesterday a friend shared this experience and her epiphany from it and it resonated with me…<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>GRACEFULLY BROKEN!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I was in Dollarama last night and there was a lady and two kids behind me in the LONG line. One was a big kid, one was a toddler. The bigger one had a pack of glow sticks and the baby was screaming for them so the Mom opened the pack and gave him one, which stopped his tears. He walked around with it smiling, but then the bigger boy took it and the baby started screaming again. Just as the Mom was about to fuss at the older child, he bent the glow sticks and handed it back to the baby. As we walked outside at the same time, the baby noticed that the stick was now glowing and his brother said "I had to break it so you could get the full effect from it." I almost ran because l could hear God saying to me, "I had to break you to show you why I created you. You had to go through it so you could fulfill your purpose." That little baby was happy just swinging that "unbroken" glow stick around in the air because he didn't understand what it was created to do which was "GLOW". There are some people who will be content just "being" but some of us that God has chosen, we have to be "BROKEN". We have to get sick. We have to lose a job. We go through a divorce. We have to go through so call friends talking behind our backs, people who try to break your character all while smiling in your face, but GOD! When we have to bury our siblings, parents, best friend, or our child because, in those moments of desperation, God is breaking us but when the breaking is done, then we will be able to see the reason for which we were created.. so when you see us glowing just know that we have been broken but healed by his Grace and Mercy!!!</i></span><br />
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Sometimes we are totally happy on our journey through life, totally unaware that we aren’t living our best life and that there’s so much more we could be doing. We’re happy carrying around our unbroken glow stick and think we’ve got this perfect life, that we’re right where we need to be. And then our life’s rug gets ripped out from under us. We lose a loved one. We or someone close to us gets seriously ill. We lose a job. We get divorced. Our house burns down. We get in a car accident…. The list could go on and on. Suddenly we are just broken beyond anything we can comprehend and we don’t know how to put ourselves back together. We can try on our own to get through it, and those without faith might appear to have done that. But my feeling is that it’s God who puts us back on the right track. As my friend said, you can almost hear God saying, ‘I had to break you to show you why I created you. You had to go through it so you could fulfill your purpose’. It’s awful and it hurts but she’s right. When the breaking is done, then we will be able to see the reason we were created. When the breaking is done, we can see the purpose that was to come from it, the purpose God has for us. <br />
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Today I was struck again but this same idea as I read one of my devotions and amazed at God’s impeccable timing.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Isaiah lists powerful ways that the Lord will bring hope and healing to us. Which have you personally experienced? </span><br />
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This was part of the scripture they referenced....<br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord ’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies. To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Isaiah 61:2-3 NLT</i></span><br />
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In this week of memories, of reflection on the time where my mourning began, where I began to learn about the hardest kind of grief and from there learned about the best kind of hope... yes, definitely God's impeccable timing for this devotion. There were other powerful ways that Isaiah listed as ways God would bring healing and hope but there is no way more powerful than what I’ve learned through mourning, through loss, through the brokenness of losing a child. For all who mourn, he will give a crown of ashes, a joyous blessing, praise instead of despair. I had to be broken to find this hope but wow what a hope it has been and continues to be. <br />
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Today marks the anniversary of my final day of innocence, of naivety, of carrying my unbroken glow stick and not knowing that I could not get the full effect of my life and my purpose, I could not find my hope, without being broken and without knowing loss, grief and mourning. <br />
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Today I celebrate my glow stick that shines bright, broken, with the full effect!<br />
<img alt="Image result for glow stick photo" height="320" src="https://www.glowtopia.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/4-inch-Glow-Sticks-GWeb-1.jpg" width="319" />Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-88757700326446150752019-12-07T07:24:00.003-08:002019-12-07T07:58:07.534-08:00Awareness 365 days of the year<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />So today is World TTTS Awareness Day. It was started by one individual who walked through TTTS and felt a very strong desire to help others through this terrible disease. I believe, but I may not be correct, that it is the birthday of her twins... One who celebrates here on Earth and one who celebrates in heaven.<br /><br />And I respect this day, I respect the month of awareness that she has created and the desire for awareness to be spread. <br /><br />Personally, however, I won't reserve my spreading of awareness to one day or even one month. This disease affects lives every single day. There's much that has been learned, especially in the last five years, about this disease but there's still much to be learned. While the doctor’s who treat it are often actively researching, attempting new procedures, working together to improve surgical methods and diagnostic testing, it’s the parents who’ve struggled through it, who’ve worried, cried and mourned, who can push for things to improve with a passion no doctor can even really, truly, understand. And it's those parents who can impact the lives of the yet undiagnosed, the future babies. Those parents are passionate and they're part of communities where mono di parents hang out. They run support groups online with parents who just found out that they are expecting mono di twins. Those parents are sponges, wanting to know everything they need to know, wanting to be the best advocates they can for their unborn babies. And that's where a parent who has been down this path can really make an impact but that can only happen if they're actively spreading awareness all year round. Some of my closest online friends, and I guess myself included, are incredibly passionate about learning what we can and sharing what we know. We reach out to doctors to learn information and in turn share that information with the rest of the TTTS community and many of us even share bits of information that we've learned with the doctors we are close with who were part of our own team.<br /><br />We share the research, we share statistics on certain doctors and certain treatment centres so that those who are newly diagnosed are going to the right place, the best place, to help save their babies. We are passionate about saving babies and that passion exists 365 days of the year. <br /><br />But TTTS Awareness Day or month and even those 365 days of the year that many of us are passionate about, cannot be just about awareness for those newly diagnosed or those to be diagnosed in the future. It also has to be about creating an awareness that support is available. It has to be about creating an awareness that you are not alone. There must be an awareness shared that you will get through this and that these new online friends will walk this path beside you. <br /><br /><br /><img src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/N0LIY8jERVAk7RspFvAH2Oez875WIXBGaxRHA3mZCCwP837thK99qWns2yoDDjRYkxGwJ2XX24aHpkbCOM1_3W1hoju6kkpIHhDf8Hs42Rf0uthmj3J2TmYyu9TEpo_QIr9BNUl3" /><br /><br /><br />So make those 365 days count. Walk through each day beside someone who needs your help. Walk each day in honour of your children. Take the steps that maybe they didn’t get to take through this amazing way of honouring them. <br /><br />That is what awareness encompasses to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If you would like to make a difference in TTTS support in Canada or in fetal interventions across our entire country...or just want to offer my family your support, love and help us honour our sweet heavenly son, please consider donating to our annual event. We will be traveling to Toronto on Cole's heavenly birthday, Friday, to make a presentation to Dr Ryan and we'd love to include YOU in this presentation.<br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://mountsinaihospitalfdn.akaraisin.com/PersonalPages/Participant/Home.aspx?seid=6777&pid=2985485&mid=66#.XYKZB2mRqGM.facebook">https://mountsinaihospitalfdn.akaraisin.com/PersonalPages/Participant/Home.aspx?seid=6777&pid=2985485&mid=66#.XYKZB2mRqGM.facebook</a></span>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-67480850905217317852019-12-06T15:08:00.002-08:002019-12-06T15:08:22.562-08:00The Unintentionally Oblivious...will they ever get it? <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So, as some of you may know, December is TTTS Awareness month. It's always a time when some TTTS groups on social media seem to be very active, heavily bombarded with messages and photos, just a very active presence of many members.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Half of the groups I belong to are strictly for those who have lost one or both of their twins. The other two groups are for general support.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This week in a group that I'm a member of, though not a group I help with or am very active or involved in, there seems to be a huge bombardment a photos of survivors. And I get it. I get that in this month of awareness we want to celebrate those who successfully fought this battle and won. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But looking at those photos bothered me. Not that it bothers me to see photos of survivors, not at all. It bothered me that in this group that should be there to support everyone, there was this huge presence of healthy living children and a large gap of stories and photo tributes about/for babies who did not win their fight. And so I posted this photo that I created and this post. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This is a photo tribute to my boys Cameron and Cole. Cameron blesses us with his energy, zest for life and deep emotions daily. Cole watches over us from above and is always with us, guiding us, motivating and inspiring us. <br /><br />I've been thinking about what to post in this group all day. It's been sitting heavy in my heart because there are members of this group who have no photos to share, have no survivors to celebrate. It's the side of TTTS that all too often is overlooked and perhaps even kept from the newly diagnosed and that's such an injustice, so unhelpful in my opinion. <br /><br />We need to celebrate that we made it through this hellish journey and found joy again, found hope again, made forever friends, found a side of ourselves we didn't know we had. We need to celebrate that we survived!<br /><br />All of us...no matter what our outcome is and if we have photos to share or not.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img height="320" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/liwE-8ge49sDXEYzhf7cJD0cw8n2a6bdDad2VxAG5llUEOF9dnWLT9F2aeQqR79pN4JU_zE3ONElEIEao0_MAjDHW7T-0JttAmfwfl_m-bNfTeRlo8JpaXxqwh6VnioxS3ATeje-" width="269" /> And it was well-received, with some supportive comments. I had really hoped that it would make people think about posting more photo and encourage more people who lost to post something. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But the photos continued to fill this group and very few of them were photos of just one survivor. They just seemed so oblivious of the hurt that these photos can cause, of the divide they create between those who 'won' and those who 'lost'.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And so I posted this post </span><br /><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />Today I'd like to encourage those with a TTTS angel, a child who lost their fight to this dreadful disorder, to please share a tribute photo to them. They deserve to be honored and celebrated too!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">with these pictures </span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="clear: right; float: right; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img height="320" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/wykNfS-3Pmyro5Kc0fgtxJOQ6OVWBZqsCVvhUm2kTfoZmPl6_zkx9yUJwXM5jehXsqkvERvi29iHrrDwaOVA7zeVyZhEIW8jrkgzrsU0kQw3YvNW_TLjqowSDr7vBN6CdnvhrJD7" width="240" /> <img height="240" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/81PySdV-Q-Max8uIqcVODD5-OBSv5EA6FwMqmEdGmvZR34vfSUYw1-RYukMxlszbIKdJ5HlfZ-QGRkqmLTFWZThaQzxqOD0TyH-7cvpEByM_JeBuiha---737bS82tPiZsY7XqEL" width="320" /><img height="240" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/CK7eXXHKij3w-GU1LbPtuJHs9-4U7wrvqcJlBXb09CigRLG2ujzGJ-UeTbN6I8Iw1k3fBD04h0yj-ypVn6ErnfDJyD9poRGVP_QBl0W7DKr9BlC39SVKKojDeYww0tgoxmcf-Ekc" width="320" /></span></div>
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<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> in hopes that other families who had lost one of their or both of their babes would share and celebrate the journey that they had taken. It received about half of the likes and reactions that some of the other posts received and no one followed suit. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now don't get me wrong, there were a few posts from people who had one survivor but no one seemed to want to post any sort of tribute to their baby in heaven. And it really made me think about it. Why are we reluctant to share this? Why are so many people so eager to share photos of their healthy living children, so eager that the posts that have to do with loss seem to be pushed further and further down the wall?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And I think I figured out something. For so many who have suffered a loss feeling welcome can be hard. Reminders of what could have been, what should have been, are really hard to handle at times. When you don't feel comfortable or even welcome then you tend to retreat. And so what I realized about this group and a few others I've been in over the years....there aren't very many loss families there. They left. They don't feel welcome, supported, like they have a purpose. </span><div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And that is not okay. We need those stories, we need that reality. We need to share all the outcomes so that people are prepared for what can happen. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And so I will continue to do what I do. I will share both of my children and I will share our story over and over and over again. Hopefully someone who reads it will feel a lot less alone. And hopefully by sharing my story and being present in the groups where 'the oblivious' are present they will start to think about what they can do to help everyone. </span></div>
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Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-33047932319811761422019-12-05T19:42:00.000-08:002019-12-05T19:42:32.550-08:00I Am Who I Am<br /><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; text-align: center;">
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am who I am because I've been where I've been. </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jodie Tummers 2019</span></i></div>
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<br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Think about that for a few minutes. Just ponder it. It's very true for all of our lives, but I think it's especially true for those that have been through a crisis and taken what they've learned from that and used it for growth, for the betterment of those who take a similar walk, to create a legacy or tribute to the situation or person that was most closely involved in the crisis that you had.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A backstory on this quote of mine. Earlier this week I approached my supervisor to let her know that I will not be at work next Friday. For those who haven't looked at the calendar or don't know me very well, next Friday marks, as I told my supervisor, the 11th anniversary of what I call ‘the worst day of my life’. It's not a day that I can be at work. Especially not in the location where I work, where there are many, many sets of twins.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In my discussion with her, we talked about where I reside in my journey, how hard this day still is. While the conversation could have been taken two different ways, I've chosen to take it as a curiosity rather than a judgement on how you cope in the years that follow the anniversary of a very traumatic day. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I told her that I really felt that most of the 364 other days of the year I do really well with my grief, with my emotions about this event, this tragic loss. But this one day, this particular day, it's never, ever going to be okay. It's a lot better than it used to be, it's a day I've turned into something honouring, sort of a celebration, a day to honour Cole. But it's still a difficult day and it's a day I need to be surrounded by my family. It's a day the tears come easily, it's a day of memories and, still, a day of heartache. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But the rest of 364 days.... They're pretty amazing to be honest. And I feel really good about what I've done to honour Cole’s precious little life. I've taken the sourest of lemons and turned them into the sweetest of lemonade as per a quote from This is Us. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So as I said to her, I am who I am because I've been where I've been. And that is true.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If I had not taken this journey, if I had never gotten pregnant with mono di twins, I wouldn't be who I am today. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If I had never had TTTS, I wouldn't be who I am today.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If I had not suffered such a devastating loss of my dear sweet Cole, I would not be who I am today. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If I had not experienced many, many weeks away from the rest of my family, I would not be who I am today. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If I had not met hundreds of other parents walking path, I would not be who I am today. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If I had not learned what I could about this disorder, I would not be who I am today. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If I had not taken what I learned and used it to help other people, I would not be who I am today. </span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am who I am because I've been where I've been.</span></div>
Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1691238302921601463.post-67398625286038835832019-11-28T10:42:00.000-08:002019-11-28T10:42:00.827-08:00Where Does Your Joy Come From<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /><br />A few days ago some online friends and I were chatting as we tried to work through a problem in a group we're in. The topic of joy came up and it lead to a conversation online and then with my husband about how joy is connected to the trials of life and how our mindset can determine if we become selfless or selfish in the aftermath of a crisis. <br /><br />We've all been there at some point or another...down a path of life that isn't what we expected, definitely isn't what we wanted and where retreating, rerouting or jumping off seems to be a far preferred path to take than the one in front of us. But we trudge through it and make our way to the other side. We sigh a deep sigh of relief to be through it and then we look around us and things look different. We look in the mirror and sometimes we don't recognize the person staring back at us. Many people feel unsure of how to go forward and emotionally they are struggling, emotionally there's a whole new path to take and it's not one they navigate well. <br /><br />For those who came out of the crisis in what people would identify as having won, having beat the odds against them, the default emotion is most often erring on the side of positivity. They feel successful, proud, victorious, hopeful and filled with joy. Sometimes those emotions are wrapped in an awareness of gratitude and of graciousness, with a humble respect for those who took the same journey but didn't have the same positive outcome. <br /><br />And sometimes that graciousness and humble attitude is missing. <br /><br />And that's where my friends and I met in our chat group...at the point of realizing that sometimes people are so filled with joy at their own success that they develop a mentality that pushes the attitude, in the words of one of my friends (who does have a ‘success’ story), "Because I did it, you can too!" or "Everyone needs to be happy for me and my outcome because I am." It's a form of unaware selfishness. They do not look outside themselves, outside their bubble of success. They associate most with those who had a similar journey and similar outcome and are often highly offended by those who challenge the words they chose to use or the motives behind their presence or participation. <br /><br />They can’t see that their attitude is so hurtful to those who long for this to be their story. They can’t see that posting photos of their surviving twins in a group where every outcome imaginable exists triggers a sadness in those who wish that their story had ended differently. And when this is pointed out to them, when they are asked to edit their post, always with an explanation of our desire to keep our group welcoming and comfortable for everyone, they will remove their post or even use words like ‘you are stealing my joy’, ‘you’ve made me feel guilty and uncomfortable’. To a loss mom who feels uncomfortable so much of the time this is pretty offensive. <br /><br />It’s made me think of the reasons I have continued to be part of groups where so many triggers can be present. Triggers like photos but also success stories...stories of doctors who monitored their patients every 2 weeks and caught TTTS in time, stories of more serious situations at the time of diagnosis that still resulted in 2 survivors and sometimes even just stories from the mono di twin group that I help run that involve 2 babies being born healthy at full term. Why am I there? How much of my ‘joy’ is stolen from me by seeing these things? <br /><br />And the answer is….NONE! None of my joy is stolen from me by these experiences because I have chosen to take my journey and use it to help others which in turn fills me with joy. Something I've always wanted to be with my presence in all the twin groups I am connected to is a 'proof that you can find hope in all situations', that you can find joy no matter what your outcome is. I’ve always wanted those newly diagnosed to see that no matter what happens, you will make it through this and you will find people who can relate to you and your journey, that you aren’t alone. I’ve always wanted those who don’t have the outcome they longed for to know that there are people out there who understand the heartbreak and have made it throught the darkest of times. Doing this, providing hope for others, gives me joy. Sharing Cole and Cam’s story with others gives me joy. Fundraising in Cole’s memory gives me great joy. Spreading awareness and helping others to understand the risks, empowering them through this awareness to seek the best care they can for their unborn babies gives me joy. Knowing that Cole’s journey, ultimately the outcome of our TTTS journey and essentially Cole’s loss of life was not in vain. <br /><br />Last week I spoke to one of my favourite parents at my work and shared the line ‘either it makes you bitter or it makes you better….and I’ve chosen to have it make me better’. This can apply to so many situations in life but most especially to unexpected loss. I could have chosen, like others I’ve sadly encountered over the years, to live in sadness, regret, anger and hopelessness. Or I could choose to do what I’ve done and find a way to make the best, the most hopeful, the most joyful outcomes come out of our situation and in that, to find peace. <br /><br />Something else that I really feel I must share is that, in my opinion, being part of a support group after the 'crisis' has passed and you aren't in 'need' of support has to include a mindset like what I mentioned above, or what is the point of you being there. I don’t mean to say that everyone who isn’t in the throws of a diagnosis or the early stages of coping after delivery or loss should not be present in a support group. By no means. There is no linear format to trauma or loss and let’s face it, no matter what your outcome is, a crisis like this is trauma and loss producing in some way. But a support group should not be there to build you up AFTER you’ve successfully overcome the crisis. To me that is a form of selfishness...perhaps unaware selfishness, but selfishness all the same. <br /><br /><br /><br />So my message to anyone still reading this is to make life better, not bitter. To take all that life offers you and find a way, somehow, to find your hope again. Make your joy come from all you can do to help another person walk a path you once took. And in that the journey becomes so very worth it! </span>Jodie Tummershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618800847238312107noreply@blogger.com0