okay so I had this entry all typed and it disappeared...so frustrating...thankfully I had wrote part of it on some down time shhhh...at work on last week.
Responsibility is defined as
–noun, plural -ties.
the state or fact of being responsible.
an instance of being responsible: The responsibility for this mess is yours!
a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible: the responsibilities of authority.
a person or thing for which one is responsible: A child is a responsibility to its parents.
reliability or dependability, esp. in meeting debts or payments.
Now this may seem a strange topic for this blog...and parts of it aren't really connected to what I usually write about...but parts are and mostly I just need to put it all down and learn to live by what I write.
You see I've been having some serious discussions lately with my hubby about being responsible for our own actions. Now I'm not talking about being responsible for the messes we make such as def #2...though I'm sure all women could write about that or the lack of it it at times. Nor am I talking about being reliable or even being responsible for our children.
No, this is all about cause and effect. If something or someone causes you to get angry or upset then the effect is our responsibility. And for some people it is impossible to accept that. Some people want to blame others forever for this kind of thing.
I see this everywhere..and I see it in myself at times too. I see some moms who have lost a baby or both their babies blame doctors, medical professionals and even God for where their life goes after that. Their marriages end, they turn to vices such as booze and drugs, they shop excessively or they have a hard time relating to anyone.
For me, I know that losing Cole has cause some amazing things in me to happen but I do use it as a crutch at times and I don't take responsibility for the actions that I have. I don't feel I can relate to some people and I don't try...but I blame them and not me.
But blaming others for your actions is just...well wrong. Especially when it is children who are either being blamed or who are on the receiving end of the mood you are in because of the original incident that caused your anger. And by enabling those whose life is made up of these type of mood swings...well that's not getting you anywhere either.
Stepping up and taking action to make change happen is pretty important. But so is knowing...and admitting...defeat. Knowing that you've tried all you can, done all you can, played 'fixer' long enough is also something you have to take responsibility for. Removing yourself, protecting yourself and those you love from someone who isn't being responsible is in itself a responsibility.
And so I now make some promises to myself:
1) To no longer use my grief as a crutch but to accept that some days will be crappy and it's no one's job to get me out of a funk, it's no one's fault I am there... including my own.
2) To be responsible for my own actions, words and behaviour. If I am in a bad mood it is my own fault...never should the words 'well if you/they would just do this or not do this then I wouldn't be in a bad mood'.
3) To accept that I can't change people and their actions, behaviours etc. They have to do that themselves. What I can change is my reaction to them (see #2) and ensure that no one is 'paying the price' for another person's bad choices.
Again, I'm sure your wondering what all of this really means...of why I've really chosen to put it here. Know that it is just really my way of self confirmation of change and self acceptance of my own behaviour. Know that I am trying my best to ensure that Cole is a positive part of my life, my kids lives and the lives of those who know me and those who will meet me in the future. That is a responsibility that I want and NEED to have.