So I decided I ought to post the three blogs that I had composed in the last 2 weeks and not gotten uploaded and realized that it's been FOREVER since I blogged...busy life here with 2 boys in ball, mommy playing ball, school finishing, camping, swimming lessons etc.
So here is the blog I wrote, well actually composed, on June 24th....
So as I drive home tonight, hoping that this voice recorder thing will work, I felt compelled to tell you all about my evening. You see, it's another one of those horrible moments that has brought me to tears, made me feel so frustrated and forced me to realize that sometimes I really am not further ahead in my grief. Graduation night...for the kids at my school. And as an aside, it was a great night, a lovely event. I changed to this school after my 14 months off with the crazy pregnancy, bereavement leave, medical leave and then maternity leave. I have only known this group of kids for 5 months or so... all accept one lovely young woman. I knew her at my old school and she changed to this school shortly after the boys were born. She had struggled with anxiety, depression, social issues etc. for the 6 years I have known her. And tonight was no different...though I was so proud of her for coming as close to going up to get her diploma.
Anyway, I was fine at grad, had no sad thoughts or feelings. And then suddenly as I walked away from the hall to my car I actually stumbled when I realized I'd never see Cole graduate. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't see him take his first steps in May along with his twin brother, I didn't feed him his first foods or any of those other firsts. But for some reason the joy of seeing Cameron do those things when for so many reasons he shouldn't have been able to made those moments not about Cole at all. But this one, this one is so hard because as I realized that I wouldn't see him graduate I also realized that I would never see him go to highschool, go on his first date, go to the prom, graduate highschool, move away to college, get married and worst of all, I'll never hold this baby's baby.
I am crying so hard right now that I ought to pull over.
Damn it, when will it ever be easier. Why does is it have to hurt so bad so many many months later?
I know that I am human and that so many who haven't been in my shoes will say that they don't know how I do as well as I do. And others who have been here will say that the pain does numb in time but there will always be these moments. But I guess I just never expected to be hit like this now. I never expected something that had nothing to do with my kids and my family to cause me so much heartache.
I apologize to those who came here to read some great words of inspiration today...it's just not that type of day for me. I think I'm going to go and pour myself a really big drink when I finally get home and feel abit sorry for myself before I begin to feel a bit better.
Thanks for listening....