But God put something on heart today, pushed me to think about blessings from a different perspective. I often share scripture on my facebook status and I just seemed drawn to seeking scripture on blessings today.
This was the first that spoke to me...
Deuteronomy 7:13 NLT
He will love you and bless you, and he will give you many children. He will give fertility to your land and your animals. When you arrive in the land he swore to give your ancestors, you will have large harvests of grain, new wine, and olive oil, and great herds of cattle, sheep, and goats.
And I thought, ok, I will focus on the blessings God has given me...there are so many. Oh and hey, the pictures of my children fit perfectly here.
I kept reading and found this...
Psalm 115:12-15 NLT
The LORD remembers us and will bless us.
He will bless the people of Israel
and bless the priests, the descendants of Aaron. He will bless those who fear the LORD,
both great and lowly. May the LORD richly bless
both you and your children. May you be blessed by the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
Perfect, perfect ...still fits with my theme.
And then I saw this link and watched this video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And I knew that I was on the wrong path from what God wanted me to reflect on today. Today is the fourth anniversary of the last day I saw Cole alive. I know I felt him alive on the 13th...I know I felt his final kicks. But the last I saw his tiny movements and hear his heartbeat was 4 years ago today. I didn't want to focus on this..I've been trying very hard not to think about what was happening 4 years ago now. I don't want to be the person who says 'ok right now I was doing this' and a few hours later 'ok now it was this'... I don't want to live to relive all the last moments. But God really brought this to me so I feel I just have to reflect on it.
Here are the words...
"Blessings"
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Wow...it's as if it was written for this day for me. When my heart is aching and I am thinking of the hardest days of my life. What if his blessings for me come through rain drops and his healing for me comes through tears. What if that is what I am to be so blessed with... the sadness and tears that came and still come when I think of Cole, our loss, our TTTS journey? Is that a blessing...can I possibly think of it as a blessing? Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know he's near. Goodness knows I have had some long and tough nights thinking about what has happened and the fall out from it...the choices I've made because the fall out. Before I truly came to Christ I know that I didn't turn very often to God when I had those tough nights but now I do.
What if trials of this life are his mercies in disguise. Could it really be his mercy, his gift, his blessing to have me have this trial? Can it really be the best thing to happen, the most amazing blessing? Can I really handle that this is the 'best thing' God plans to give me?' Wow...just writing that made me tear up...I am fighting the urge to bawl right now as I come to terms with that. How do we accept that? How do we grow into that and make peace with it? I thought I was there...so often I have said that having TTTS come into my life was the best thing to happen to me, that even losing Cole caused a wonderful thing to happen to me. I have said that but I realize today that I am not at peace with that fully...yet. Today I want my son back, I want to not know this pain and heartache. But I also don't want to go back to where I was then, who I was then. I love who I am becoming, I love the sense of peace I have, the hope I feel in Christ. I love so much of the new me. But oh how it hurts to think of what I had to do to get here...and how hard it is to take this as the 'best gift God may ever give me'.
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
A blessing... hmmm... I know it is and today God has reminded me that I am not always ready to accept that, that I am not 100% there yet. That is much work to be done, much more peace to come by, much more love to be found. I am blessed, by his love, his forgiveness, his mercy, his grace. I will come to know just how much of a blessing this whole journey has been as I move closer and closer to him. So much of this was a great disappointment, atleast 4 year ago it felt that way, the aching was unbearable, the pain, the storms , the hardest nights... it more then I thought I could bear but it left me hungry for peace and hungry to know just how blessed I was. So I guess I can look, very fondly, at this journey as a great and wonderful blessing.
But there is still room for tears and adjustment... the journey is not over yet.
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