Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Devotion #9 - Happy-Sad days

Happy-Sad days…that is the topic of this devotion and boy do I have tons to relate to this one. It’s a devotion that talks about the author’s son asking her why she looked sad today. I get this from my son, Brycen, all the time. At first it happened just after we lost Cole and most days were very sad, despite it being the happy exciting time that Christmas is in a child’s life. He would often say to me “You no be sad today mom?” Now he just takes my face in his hands and says “Mom are you sad?” He always seems to accept that I am sad because I miss Cole but it really doesn’t explain to him why I am so sad.
I am supposed to explore these why’s…reflect on my lost son…how old would he be and what would he be like?
Once again I am back to the difficulty that using a devotional book designed for the loss of a singleton baby. Perhaps when this is all done and I’m in the right place in my life I just might write my own book to help someone who’s lost one of their multiples. Anyway, back to the reflection of Cole…he’d be 6.5 months old now. Babbling, rolling over, smiling and happy if he was anything like his twin. I know exactly what he’d look like…

And oh how hard it is to realize just how much we’ve lost. I don’t even need to ask myself why does this have to be so hard, hurt so much, consume me so intensely. Because each and every day I see the baby I’ve lost and miss so much in the light and love that emits from the smiles of his identical twin.
Somedays that is all it takes to set me off…just a smile from Cameron. Often it is more the thoughts of the things I won’t see my twins do together. And I guess that is a big part of it…it’s not so much the loss of Cole that hurts but the loss of our twins together. I am blessed to still have a baby to hold and watch grow up, I’m not empty armed.
As we start to near some of the anniversary dates I begin to think more and more about what has happened to us in the last year…and that makes me sad. It will soon be 1 year since we learned we were having twins and I know that will be a hard day. Cameron’s firsts are hard too….right now he’s just starting to play with toys, sit up on his own, roll over to get somewhere, take an interest in eating food. Each of these moments is a joy for us and yet they are moments filled with sadness too.
A few weeks ago I made a video of photos and songs to celebrate Cameron’s first 6 months of life. I know that I will celebrate Cole’s life with another video. I’ve made one but this one will have more to it…more memories, more photos (maybe even one of him though I am not sure I want to share those or how to share those) and more about the dreams we had for him. I also know that I’d like to celebrate his angelversary (the date he passed away) with my boys and Geoff. I want to let off balloons and blow bubbles up to him in heaven and I want to go to his garden and lay flowers at his stone and cry.
I also want, desperately, to find a way to help others, in his memory. I would like to do a fundraiser and donate money to Mt. Sinai and I really think writing something that can help others is a way I can honor this special little boy.
The son in the book tells his mom that she is like a yellow traffic light…not red , not green…not all happy , not all sad but a bit of both. And I guess that’s me too….I am sad because I miss my baby and we missed out on raising twins together but I am so very happy that I have Cameron here with us and that Cole is in heaven and is at peace. And this is okay…to be happy and sad together.
I am encouraged to write a letter to Cole in Heaven…I’ve done this before though not for awhile but I talk to him all the time…here’s what I say;

Hello there beautiful baby;
I see your shining blue green eyes each day as I gaze at your twin brother and I wonder if you are as wonderfully happy as he is….or is he as wonderfully happy because he has you in his heart. I hope that you are enjoying all the toys up there in Heaven…do you bounce as high as Cameron on your exersaucer? Do you snuggle up and give kisses too? Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
This is so very hard, this living without you. I wanted so much for you, looked forward to watching and Cameron grow together. It was always so hard for me to know how to react about the life we would all have together. I was so very overwhelmed for so long but the worst of that busy time I worried about is over now with Cameron and I know for sure I could have done this….it would have worked, we would have made it. I could have been that twin mommy I was so scared to be. I have enough love in my heart for all of my children. I miss you so very much and although I know you are at peace in Heaven, most days I just want you here with me.
I wonder if I’ll know you when I get to Heaven. Well to be honest, some days I wonder if I’ll get there at all. Do you grow up along with Cameron? I assume as much and picture you that way…that though your body stopped growing inside of me you continued to grow just like your twin. When I reach the gates of Paradise I imagine you will give me the hugs and cuddles I’ve missed so much and you’ll look just like Cameron when I leave him here on Earth to join you there.
I want you to know that I love you so very much and miss you from the very depths of my heart. I know that I am forever changed because I had you, you will be a part of my heart and soul for all the days of my life.
Love you smiley red haired angel baby!

My emotions are triggered by so many things…a smile or belly laugh from Cameron, seeing twins somewhere, finding an ultrasound picture of Cole, a wonderful gift for Cole’s garden from an unexpected person, writing thank you cards and memories….so many memories. My emotions change so quickly but you are steadfast in your love for me and your truth. Remind me gently of your presence in my pain and show me how to make it count for good.

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