Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9b
Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5
There have been so many times since Cole passed away that I have felt so very alone. I feel so often that people just think I should move on and focus on what is good in my life and be grateful for what I have not what I am missing out on. So often it’s the silence that makes me feel this way…the times when no one mentions Cole, when no one acknowledges the struggles , the sadness, the loss and the unbelievable journey that the last year of my life has taken me on. It’s kind of like it never happened or like everyone else’s lives are the same and mine is forever changed.
Sometimes I feel like God has left me alone in this journey too, that he’s leaving me on my own in a sort of sink or swim scenario. I am not always sure He is listening to me when I ask for help to get through this intense grief. I know that He didn’t listen when I asked for him to save both of my sons. Coming to terms with the fact that I may never know or understand the reason for the ‘unanswered prayers’ is really hard for me. I ask God to help me with this, to help me to feel less guilty, to accept that He is all knowing and all powerful and to basically show me how to move forward. But so often there is just silence.
Where is God? Why isn’t He making this easier for me? Why doesn’t He just take away this pain?
Coming to terms with the fact that God hasn’t abandoned me is just about as hard as coming to terms with ‘the unanswered prayers’. Accepting that this is His plan on His timeline is a very hard thing to do. Learning to trust God through the silence is so very hard. I do not know how God wishes to reveal himself to me. Learning to listen to the silence and waiting in it is so very hard for me.
But He has not abandoned me or rejected me. His is my Healer and he wants to help me to grow and trust Him more. He is here listening, caring, feeling my pain…even when I don’t hear from him the way I want to.
God – sometimes I wonder where you are. You didn’t respond in the way or timeframe I thought you would. I feel so abandoned and hurt at times. I feel disconnected from you and from so many who I call friends. Are You listening? Is Anyone? Silence makes me uncomfortable and rejected. Even though I can’t see You, I must trust that You are there. You say You will never leave me or forsake me. Please be my Healer. Help me grow and trust You more. I want to know You through the silence and quiet times. Show me how.