Reading this chapter, working at this devotion has made me realize just how many things there are to be angry about and just how perfectly natural it is to be angry.
When I was in the hospital in London my social worker spent a lot of time getting me to talk about my feelings. At the time I was so sure that I wasn’t angry…actually I was shocked because I wasn’t angry. I think it was part of the coping mechanism that carrying Cameron and Cole became after Cole passed away. I think I was afraid to get angry for fear that Cameron would feel that anger or that it would take away the strength I needed. I was more angry that I was so out of control of everything in my life than I was about the fact that I’d lost my son.
So many things make me angry lately. Reading stories about TTTS mom’s who didn’t lose either of their babies makes me so mad. I often bitterly exclaim after reading their stories “You don’t know how good you’ve got it…you are so damned lucky”. Seeing or hearing about mono di twins that had no troubles at all makes me even more angry. Some of the things that make me most angry are the things like I wrote a few days ago…people who don’t recognize Cole and his loss as important as other people's loss, people that don’t recognize him as a valued part of our family, people who minimize our loss.
Do good Christians get angry? You bet your boots they do. God gets angry too….just look at Adam and Eve or Jesus in the Temple with the moneychangers. Sometimes it is easier to be angry at God. Sometimes I just want to scream at Him “You had the power to save my son, you could have stopped this awful disease from happening. You could have protected my baby by performing a miracle and saving him but you didn’t!!!” Why?”
I am not sure I know what all is behind my anger. Envy of other twin mommies, disappointment that my twin pregnancy didn’t work out, fear that I will stop remembering the twin moments, the movements and the visuals I have of Cole. I am encouraged to try to write to God about all that makes me angry and how I feel about it....so here goes.
This isn’t a prayer to you today but rather a letter to tell you how I feel about the journey you have placed me on.
I don’t understand why I have been chosen to take this journey. I am certain it can’t be that you have great things planned for me because many days I can hardly stop myself from being such an angry and sad person.
I am so very angry that my life has become what it has at times. I do not understand why you took Cole from us and I don’t understand why if I wasn’t meant to be the earthly mother of twins then why did you create them inside of me. I hate that I wasn’t happy at the start, hate that I can’t take back those moments and feel the joy that a twin pregnancy could have given me. I am angry that you didn’t allow me to meet my son before he left this earth and even angrier that I couldn’t bond with him, with his body, when he did finally arrive. It hurts me so much that I missed out on the joy of his delivery and even of Cameron’s delivery because I was so caught up in my grief.
I am angry that I missed so many months of my older children’s lives and that my family and marriage has felt such serious strain and stress. I am not sure we’ll ever recover form this some days.
And yet as I express all of these things to you I am also so very grateful for the wonderful gifts this experience has given me. Cameron, the most amazingly peaceful and happy baby, my other boys and Geoff…who I watched struggle and grow in strength while I was away, the love of family and friends, the support I never knew existed for me, the new friends….some of them life long I am sure. All of these things happened because of Cole. These and so many other wonderful gifts of love and hope from You.
I can only hope and pray that soon the anger will be overshadowed by the peace, hope and joy that your love gives us all. I want the feeling of Joy and Happiness to come first and the memories of Cole to bring me smiles not tears.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger. Ephesians 4:31