The subject of why is one that plagues me all the time. Why did our severe TTTS take so long to show itself…why was our diagnosis so late and so severe? Why didn’t the poor cord insertion show up on ultrasound? Why didn’t Cole pass away sooner when all signs point to such a poor placenta? Why was the pregnancy so perfect until that point? Why did I only lose one baby (not that I’d ever want to change that…but why??)? Why did I not go into labour and have my boys sooner…when all signs showed that this would happen?
Why, if I was only meant to bring one baby home, did I get pregnant with twins in the first place?
Most of the obvious questions such as what happened to cause Cole’s heart failure (excessive fluid in his body), why did Cole die so quickly (because TTTS happened so late and the boys were so close in size there was much more fluid going to his body and therefore his heart was working so very hard), was there a chance to save him if we’d known sooner…guess this questions ties to a lot of the ones I asked above (there really doesn’t seem to be much chance that things could have been much different because Cole had only 25% or less placenta share and a severely velamentous cord insertion so far from the placenta that nutrients would have struggled to reach him once he got bigger – if he’d survived TTTS he likely wouldn’t have survived SIUGR and it most likely would have meant major effects on Cameron as well) and did we do all we could have done for Cole (yes, I took great care of myself…the healthiest pregnancy I ever had, had tons of tests and ultrasounds and kept myself fairly educated)….all of these questions have been answered. I got some reports to find some of this information out and asked others to help me understand it. Some of the questions regarding the ultrasounds that could have detected problems could be answered by my OB and I may need, in order to heal, to go and see him to ask him some of this stuff. But knowing it isn’t going to change the end result…I already know that there was so little chance for Cole.
As for why I didn’t lose both, why I didn’t go into labour, why everything was fine for so long etc….I think only God and Cole can know that for sure but I’m pretty sure that like the answer to why I got pregnant with twins and only am able to raise one of them, it’s because God is there for me, to lift me up when my life hits rock bottom, to be my salvation and my hope. There is purpose behind all the He does, He is always and forever there for all of us.
I came to the conclusions of this devotion months ago…that like Job there are questions that we have that may never be answered. I have said for months that there are things this side of Heaven we are not meant to understand…and that we had better all do whatever we can to make sure we live good Christian lives so that we make it there and do get those answers. But what I didn’t think of at all till I read this chapter was that it isn’t about the why’s but rather about the who’s. I must learn to look beyond the why and view my loss through the lens of God rather than human sight. In the book of Job there are sixteen why’s asked and in response there are fifty-nine who’s which refer to God. A good place to start don’t you think…some reading to do for sure.
Even though I don’t understand why this has happened to our family and maybe never will, I know that You are unchanging, trustworthy, in control and good. I believe You have a purpose in what has taken place…a purpose for me, for Geoff, for our older boys and most especially for Cameron. He is, most definitely, an Earth Angel, a Miracle and a true sign of your divine blessings and goodness. Forgive me for asking the same questions over and over. Lift me up again with Your hope and truth. As I continue to journey through questioning and move to a place of hope and healing please rescue me from drowning in despair. Help me trust You with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding. Give me divine vision and enable me to see beyond the why to the Who.