Saturday, September 19, 2009

The First One Year Anniversary

God be with me today as I remember the news we learned one year ago at my ultrasound...TWINS!! I am feeling an overwhelming amount of feelings today and am hoping you can guide me towards feeling the joy that day brought me and help me to remember the good times.

Dear Cameron and Cole;
Today marks the anniversary of the day that we learned that two little lives were growing deep inside me, not just one as we had assumed. It was a day that marked the beginning of my life changing forever.
There are so many things from that day that I’d change if I could but I can’t. So instead I am going to try to remember as many things about that day and the days that followed as I can.
I still remember the ultrasound tech saying ‘I have some news for you…there’s two babies in there’. I teared up as she showed me the two of you for the first time but it wasn’t tears of sadness or even of joy…just of disbelief at the amazing thing that was happening.
When I left that office I went back to the lab to take my paperwork in . The girl that had done my blood work took one look at it and smiled and said “wow, that’s amazing”. And it was, and I felt like it was too.
The world kind spun around me abit as I walked out of the clinic and tried to call Daddy. I was mad that he hadn’t been there to meet you guys with me, disappointed that I couldn’t get a hold of him when I so desperately needed him and starting to feel more and more overwhelmed.
I actually told Charlotte, my midwife, before I told Daddy. She answered her phone when I called. She quickly assured me that it would be okay, that she was here for me for whatever I needed and that she knew I could do this.
Then I went to tell Daddy. He came around the corner of the van and asked me what I was so worked up about. I think his comment was ‘what is it…twins?’ When I told him yes he broke into a huge grin and started hugging me as I, admittedly, cried. He told me it was going to be fine, that we would make this work. I was becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the thoughts of two newborns, no room in the house, double daycare etc. Daddy kept assuring me it was going to be fine.
I had to leave to go and get your brothers from Cheryl’s as I was already an hour later than I had thought I would be. I called Grandma on the way there and got her while she was walking through the IPM grounds. I told her she needed to sit down. When she asked me why I told her I’d had my ultrasound today. AND was her response. When I said “it’s twins mom” she said “no shit, Jod!!!”.
I really don’t remember a lot about telling your brothers. I am sure I told them at Cheryl’s when I told her but the whole thing kind of blurred together. Cheryl was excited but also, being the realist that she is, very honest about how hard it was gong to be for us.
And as I drove to Teeswater to attend the IPM the world began to spin and shift again and I cried again. How could I do this, how could I manage? How could we afford this? Why us?
But then my typical organizing self took over and began crunching the numbers…if I had this many Epicure parties a week, found a weekend shift doing this, got this much government money for ALL the kids I was going to have….yup we could do this.
That day in Teeswater was one of the best days of my whole pregnancy. I saw Grandma and Papa within a short while of reaching the IPM and they were both so excited. Papa even picked me up in a huge bear hug. They had told so many people already and we all continued to tell everyone all day. I showed the ultrasound to everyone I saw. I loved the attention that you were bringing me. Everyone was so very excited and although I was overwhelmed and scared I was pretty excited too.
The next few days continued like this for me…feelings of excitement mixed with worry, fear, and an intense feeling of being completely overwhelmed. So many things kept me up at night and I went about 4 days with very little sleep. Everyone was so very happy and excited for us and so many people came forth with offers of baby equipment, clothes, help and support.
I have so often wrote about the guilt I have felt about not being excited about having twins. but when I look back I realize I was excited but I was also realistic. By being realistic and worrying about the things that were going to be hard I was beginning, early, to solve the problems we might have before they arrived. It seemed to me like I wasn’t enjoying my twin pregnancy when I first looked back at it but the more I think about it the more I realize and remember how much I marveled at all things ‘twin’. It was the most special time of my life and for as much as I wasn’t jumping up and down and showing overt excitement I know that I was so very happy, so excited and so eager to meet you both.
Every time I had an ultrasound I asked for copies so I could show off my latest pics of my babies. I remember returning to work and showing them off each time and then rushing home and scanning them and posting them on Facebook. Now if that’s not an excited mommy, I don’t know what is!!! I also remember the joy I’d feel as I got to see you moving on the screen, the wonderment of it all!!!
It was pretty early in the pregnancy when I started feeling you moving…just flutters at first, but lots of it. It never got be a lot of distinct movements, never got to the stage where I felt like I was being kicked all over. I wonder now if that was so I wouldn’t miss as much being pregnant with two active babies after God took you home Cole. But you were both busy boys for a few weeks. And you sure made mommy grow bigger and bigger. By Uncle Josh’s wedding in mid October I was suddenly blooming and looked like I did at about 5 months with your brothers…and I was only 15 weeks! By my birthday a few weeks later I was wearing clothes I wore at the end of my pregnancy with Zack and by early December people were asking if I was due in January.
I dreamed of matching outfits, matching Halloween costumes (that I wouldn’t put on you… I swore I wasn’t going to do that to my twins!!). I wondered all the time if you were boys or girls. I joined twin groups, searched hours for strollers and finally in early November ordered the ‘perfect’ one. I looked for cribs and equipment every place I could and spent hours planning and getting ready.
It was the most exciting time of my life and I loved every minute of it.
And since today is about the memories of the good times, of the coolest day of my life I am going to sign off now by telling you both that I love you both so very much!
Love Mommy

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