Thursday, August 27, 2009

Devotion #8 - The Empty Frame

This devotion is another that only applies in small to me. It focuses more on miscarriage and suffering in secret. Perhaps even of a loss that you've never shared with someone.
I share my loss with everyone. Most people, complete strangers, know I lost Cole because they always ask about Cameron...his age and size don't match up at all...even his corrected age. It is most likely because he is a twin and of course when I say that people ask where his twin is. It doesn't bother me to tell people. I feel I am honoring my dear sweet baby by doing this.
But does it bother the people I tell. I think so. Sometimes they become quiet and move on but more often they ask questions and they let me talk about my dear sweet angel baby.
The book asks if I have suffered in secret about my loss and what feelings I have locked away.
As I have said above, I don't think I've suffered in secret and as I've talked about before, the only feelings I have hid away are my feelings of guilt and the confusion of this. It is so very hard for me to not feel guilty when I think about my twins and how scared I was of having them. I feel so guilty when I try to pay bills and know that having two babies would have made this's hard enough as it is! When Cameron is super fussy and I can't get anything done I think 'there is no way I would have survived this with Cole and Cameron here together'. Sometimes I am sure this is why God took Cole home early.
And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Guilty for having such little faith in an all powerful and loving God. Guilty for not seeming to want my child. Guilt is such a sneaky creeps up on you so quickly.
So here is my mantra for this devotion -
I did nothing wrong to enter this club of infant loss. I would have been a wonderful mommy to TWO wonderful babies. I could have done this and would have done this and life would have been fine. AND LIFE IS GOOD...even without my precious son in my earthly life. I am blessed to have 4 wonderful children and am lucky that when I reach the gates of Heaven my child will reach his arms out to me and welcome me HOME!

God - you are all powerful and knowing. You know that I suffer in silence about the guilt and confusion I feel about my twin sons. You know that I don't understand the hows and whys of Cole's existence and his death. I try to hide it from everyone, even you...but you know. You will help me through this because you brought me to it. Help me to come to terms with all that I feel and help me to get the support I need to deal with these feelings. Amen

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