I had thought I might do another devotion today but decided instead to put down some of the things that I've been thinking of...the things I can't seem to let go of. Some of this is because yesterday I finally developed the pictures that were taken of Cole when he was born. I had resisted as I wasn't sure I could look at them again. My memory of the day he was born, of the lifeless body I held in my arms, saddens me greatly. The images aren't pretty.
Other women in the TTTS groups I belong to who lost one of their twins long before they were born have written about their amazing experiences...of how their sweet angel looked so perfect, just like their living twin only smaller, how their skin was so soft, their features so perfect.
And this just makes me so angry and I feel jipped all over again. That's not how I remember it, Cole didn't look like that to me and I couldn't bring myself to look at him for a long time nor did I touch his skin much. What kind of mother does this make me...how could I be so shallow???
But when I looked at those pictures yesterday I know I did the right thing. Maybe he wasn't as 'perfect' as other little TTTS angels but he was and is my perfect TTTS angel. I have had a few dreams where I see him again at birth. He's still an angel but he looks like one...he's soft and calm looking, his features blurred but perfect. And he is at peace.
Having the pictures helps me to remember the real moment of his birth but the image I want in my mind is not of his distorted features but of a 'faded' Cameron. I'll always know what Cole looks like and perhaps in time I can picture that more and more as someone other than Cameron.
The other place my mind travels sometimes is the path of 'what ifs'. I can tell myself all I want that the biology just wasn't there for Cole to survive...and I know this all to be true from reading the reports. But I still get so angry at times when I read other TTTS mom's stories...of how they found out, had a few weeks to deal with it, had surgery and their babies were fine. Or even the ones who found out like we did....abit late for TTTS but they had surgery and both their babes were saved. I get angry that I wasn't sent to London for further testing and ultrasounds just to verify the make up of the placenta and to check for possible problems. What if we'd known sooner that Cole's cord was so badly placed, what if TTTS had shown up sooner and we'd had surgery before his heart got so sick. What if , what if , what if.
I know it's not going to help me heal and I have no idea what to do with some of the anger I have about what did or didn't happen. Sometimes I think I need to have someone sit down with me again and go over all the facts so I can clearly see the picture that it was. But will that really help? Does it matter that Cole didn't stand a chance against the reality that is shared placentas of identical twins? Does that bring me peace? It sure won't bring him back. It won't stop this ache in my heart. It won't stop me from tearing up each time I see twin boys, especially identicals. It won't make my arms stop feeling so empty and it won't stop me from wondering what life would have been like with my two perfect twins here on earth.
God please help me to move ahead and not hang my 'hat' on these questions that have no answers. Help me to see some of the plan you have for me and to feel blessed with the knowledge that one of children has already made it to Paradise and is waiting for me to join him there.
Keep the seat beside you warm Cole while I spend my days with your brothers and Daddy and all our family and friends here. Know that Mommy loves and misses you and will work so very hard to ensure that I see you someday at Heaven's Gate.