I decided that I would do another devotion now as I read ahead and know that this subject won't take as long for me to cover and for some reason doesn't evoke as much emotion in me as some...though I thought that about #2 as well LOL!
1 Peter 4:12 - Dear Friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you
This devotion talks a lot about ignoring the truth because it is too painful to face. Unfortunately there is no way to ignore the truth for me. Each day as I wake to the gentle cooing and babble of Cameron I am reminded that Cole is not with us. I can't imagine life with him. I didn't get to meet him when his body was full of life, I did not hold him and feel his warmth. So many women I've read about speak about the moments that they held their stillborn baby and gazed at their perfect features. I didn't get to do that and though I wish I'd spent more time looking at Cole the reality was that I couldn't handle it, couldn't handle the way he looked (oh another guilty subject to cover later!!!). I can't avoid being with babies because I am with one every day...and wouldn't trade that for anything.
The bible story that this chapter discusses is the story in 1 Kings 3:16-28 about the two women who were brought to King Solomon's court to sort out their problem. They were fighting over a baby...both said he was their child but one of the women had swapped their dead child for the living child. As you may remember, King Soloman tells them the divide the child and give each woman half. The rightful mother, of course, says to give the child to the other woman. She'd rather have her child live with another mother than have him die.
The chapter discusses the other mother, the one who lost her child and how hard it must have been to wake up to find out her child had died and how easy it was to feel the love and joy that holding the other child brought back to her heart. The author, though not condoning this 'theft' of the living baby, can relate to this need to hold a baby near to bring back that joy to your heart.
When you lose a twin in utero you don't have this same sense of loss as you do if you lose a twin after birth. If you lose a twin after birth you don't have the same sense of loss that you would if you lost your singleton child as a stillborn baby or shortly after birth. Especially when your twin baby is an identical twin. I still can see Cole...or atleast what Cole would look like. I wish I could say that I can picture Cole by looking at Cameron but I can't. Cole doesn't really have an image in my mind although sometimes he comes to me in dreams and looks a lot like the image on my profile picture...the 'Cole' that is up above Cameron while he sleeps. But I do have a baby to hold and love...I am so very lucky!
The book asks how I have responded to others who have what I have lost. I haven't encountered it too often...twice in fact. The first time it was a set of identical girls and it went pretty well. It helped that the mom had a loss at 30 weeks and understands the pain of infant loss. The second...well it didn't go so well I guess...but not for me. The mom, when asked if her boys were twins, said "Yes and be glad yours aren't". I knew my boys would tell her, not so nicely, about why we wished we had twins, so I told her myself. She was very mortified that she had said what she did. I hated that part. But did I hate that I chose to tell her and not just walk away (even though I couldn't have as she was in front of me at the grocery store line up)....not at all. Part of me wanted her to feel my pain...most of me wanted her to realize how very lucky she is to have both her boys living with her.
And I guess that is what I want other twin mommies to say to me (as the next question in the book asks). I want them to say to me "I am so very sorry for your loss and I know I am so very lucky that my identical twins are here together....that they will grow up together and that I get to be part of the amazing club that is 'parents of identical twins/parents of twins'. " And as for what I want other people to say to me... I don't really know. I guess "I ams so sorry and I wish things could be different for you" would be easier to take than "You are so lucky to have your survivor/it's a good thing you didn't loose them both"....I really get tired of replying to that because it brings me back to my comments in #1 and #2...the guilt and confusing feelings that can evoke in me is so hard.
God - I do not need help in accepting the truth...it stares me in face each day as I stare at the miracle that is Cameron. I just need some help in understanding that truth, in accepting the why's of this truth and learning to cope with the answers to that. Be with me Lord as I journey down this path of Hope and Healing. Help me to move forward and to not hide myself and my feelings from those who care. Help me to share our story the right way and not search for the pity in others.