Sunday, August 9, 2009

Devotion#1 - Hide and Seek

When I first read this passage in the book I thought 'well this isn't me, I'm open and honest and the world knows I am grieving'. You see the passage is based on the loss Adam and Eve felt when God discovered they had disobeyed him and would now not have their 'perfect' lives and how they, and man forever, have found ways to hide those feelings of loss physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually.
"Sometimes the pain is so intense you may want to disconnect from others and from God. You look for ways to hide your hurt... But how long can you stash your silent heartache?... Will you remain in hiding or will you expose your real feelings and begin the journey through your grief?"
I thought to myself that I was doing such a good job...that I have always talked so openly about the loss of Cole and back when I first read this part of the book I felt like I was talking openly about my grief too.
But now I realize that by talking about Cole openly I was actually hiding behind the pity I want from others. Wow, can't believe I just put that in writing. But it is true. I don't want to make others uncomfortable but sometimes I think I tell perfect strangers about Cole and Cameron just so they'll feel sorry for me. And yet even to my closest friends I don't tell them how much I am truly hurting and why....but I'll get to that later.
So I guess the question the book asks about how I have been hiding the pain of my loss would be best answered by admitting that I hide behind my openness. It seems to make no sense when you read it that way but it is so true. By being open about what happened, about the things that set me off and behaving in the way I think people expect me to I am actually pushing my real feelings aside. Why do I feel the need to worry about what others think? Why can't I just say 'I feel so devastated about the loss of one of my twins but it's overshadowed daily by the feeling that I couldn't have done it anyway....I could have never handled being a twin mommy and that is why I think this happened".
So what do I hide behind most, what is holding me back most...guilt and pity.
God - the loss of Cole is agonizing. I feel as if I am hiding my true self from the world by being so open and pity producing. I don't want the world's pity, I don't want to hide behind their pity or my own. I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore. I don't know how long I can hide behind my heartache and know that I need YOU to help me to move forward in my grief journey. Amen

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