Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Devotion #2

Psalm 32:7 - You are my hiding place: you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

As I try to write today I am struggling to remain calm...mostly because the big boys are being awful to each other and Brycen is screaming up a storm. The focus of devotion #2 is the places we hide from our loss and sorrow...the analogy being hiding from a storm in your basement.
The book asks us where our basement is and the funny thing is I am in mine...literally and figuratively. This computer seems to be my hiding place and some could think that by spending time blogging that I am hiding still. However I know that most of my hiding is hiding from my family and 'solid' friends (as opposed to my online ones). And today I sure am hiding from my family...but that's has more to do with being a mom of wild little boys than hiding from my grief.
I do spend too much time online with my 'new' friends. I thought it was the best way to cope and handle life...to 'hang' out with women who 'get it'...those that have lost one or both of their babies...especially those who've lost to the hell that is TTTS. But as I explore my feelings and take this journey of hope and healing, this journey of faith, I've realized that I am hiding from the real world because I don't want the world to see the pain of my guilt, the confusion of my feelings. I don't hide the pain of my sorrow much, most people know I am sad and I do think I feel sorry for myself and wish to evoke this in others as well. I seem to want to make it cut and dried...simple for everyone to understand. But it isn't simple, it makes no sense to me...and why should it. Why should it be easy to accept that the children who you hadn't planned to have, the twins you weren't jumping up and down for joy about, the life you stressed and worried about more than you rejoiced over...that took so long to form overwhelming joy in your heart could so quickly be seperated, so sadly taken from each other and one from you. If I was never meant to have twins living together on earth then why did God give them to me in the first place???
My online friends 'get' this. So many of them have experienced it themselves. When I am online with them I can tell them exactly how I feel...cheated, angry, guilty, unable to cope, frusrated, sad, even happy. But what does that say about my faith in my family and friends here in the 'real' world....what am I doing to my relationships by hiding away??? How far away am I going to push everyone? How confused are my children and my husband going to be with my ups, downs and disappearing acts? How fair is it to rant and rave at them when they do pull me away from my online world?
The time has come to venture back...to admit my feelings, to share my thoughts, hopes, dreams, and disappointments. I need God to help me with this....I need his strength, his all knowing...I need his love.
Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will counsel you and watch over you".
God - help me to come up and join the world from the basement of my sorrow. Help me to share with my family and friends how deeply hurt and sad I am. Help me to express to them how confused I am at all the feelings I have about the loss of Cole and how much I need their and Your help to get through this. Help me to be patient with my children and my husband. They do not understand that my heart has such a deep wound that is healing. They know there is a scar there but do not understand how many times it rips open each and every day. Help me to understand why our family was chosen for this journey and help me to cope with the answers to that as sometimes they just aren't easy to accept.

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