When I've spoken to medical professionals about depression and post partum depression they always seem to tell me that I seem to be 'doing great' considering all we've been through. They tell me that my attitude seems to be good, that I am talking and open and that basically I don't have the symptoms of being depressed.
This chapter of the book makes me realize that this just might not be the case. Depression does not always manifest itself in the inability to live life, to get out of bed, to eat/make meals....to function. It is not always about tears and grief, about hiding away from others. Often it is the angry outbursts, cluttered homes, inabiltiy to finish projects, forgetfulness and other changes to your normal. I am realize I have all those symptoms...and though I can blame them on being a mom of 3 young boys the fact remains that I know I am not the 'normal' me. Maybe I'll never be the me I used to be...and why should I ever be that 'me' again...my life has changed forever. But I don't have to hang my hat on that and blame everything on it. It is time I start looking for some person to person support and start talking about the things that are so tough about the loss of Cole. I need to have someone listen and respond back to me so that I can understand that THIS is normal...and that there will be an end to it.
I am not alone in this world of grief. Many other TTTS moms, unfortunately, join me in this inutero loss of a twin and too many other people join me in the loss of a child. Many people in the bible must have struggled with depression and loss...let's be honest, it wasn't all paradise and perfect. God wants all of us to see him as the light that guides us out of our darkness. By asking him to guide me to the right place to find help I am making the right moves for everyone, especially me!
I know that I have difficulty dealing with real life...I turn to this computer too often and hide away from the world. I said I'd stop and I can't seem to. My kids and husband get mad at me because I am always down here. I know they don't understand that this is what I feel I NEED right now...but I also need to listen to them and to God more. I need to get more organized and stop putting off jobs. A friend referred me to a place for counselling a few months ago and I have yet to call them...hopefully today I will...but I might need a bit more prodding to do it. I promise I will...the time has come! For all those who follow this blog, who are helping me move along this journey of hope and healing...keep up the great work and remind me of the promises I am making!