A friend shared this poem on facebook and it really struck a chord with me. I've been thinking of Cole a lot lately...the days of wondering what if are back again. Cameron is so very busy, so very happy and excited and full of energy lately and I really find myself wondering what it would be like to be chasing two of them around. I saw my friends set of twin boys playing in the front yard the other night as we went for a walk and I just teared up. It's just so darn hard some days. Another wonderful friend wrote about me the other day on her blog. She told our story and pointed out that being 'just another mom' can be so much more, that experienced moms will say they've seen it all and in the last 2 years I have gained more experience than most will in a lifetime. I just wish I wasn't joined by so many other TTTS moms in gaining this experience and I wish gaining the experience didn't have to hurt so much.
And yet at the same time I know that I wouldn't take away this experience for anything....
These are My Footprints
"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart,
cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."
My cousin Debbie once told me that those moments that choke me up the most are the moments when Cole is saying hi. Just like the footprints I can hear in the rain are my angels tears.
Missing you today, this day filled with daffodils and tulips picked by your brothers, bike rides and stroller rides and sloppy sweet baby kisses, missing you so sweet angel boy.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Mean Girls
Today’s entry isn’t really about me or about my journey though I am sure I’ll relate it in there somehow!!!
As my title indicates, this one is about mean girls, mean people really.
We’ve been having troubles with this issue with a group of girls at my school. They seem to think they can just leave one girl out, ignore her, tell her not to follow them, talk about her and then tattle on her when she gets fed up and says something back. Why young girls behave this way is beyond me, I was never a young girl??? Actually I was never like this as a child and might add that I am VERY happy that I have all boys!!!
But as a young child I did do things that weren’t always nice and then felt horrible about it and within minutes was trying to fix the situation. I think I still do that now….I am always the one who apologizes first, always the one who stews about something for days only to find out the other person completely forgot about it.
So back to my girls…. We talked to them about whether it was ever okay to be mean. And of course, being the good catholic school that it is, we talked about whether God is happy when people are mean. Of course the kids answered no. But then we talked about whether meanness happened in the bible. Not surprisingly, the kids said that no one was mean in the bible….that should be the answer right??? We spent some time talking about people who were mean in the bible and what God and Jesus thought about that….and what Jesus taught them about this.
But the most important part of the discussion was yet to come…and is the reason for the entry. We talked about whether adults are ever mean and pointed out that mean girls become mean woman….the kind of person no one admires, no one really respects but often the person everyone is somewhat afraid of. Would you really want that to be you? Is that you?
I’d love to say that’s never me but the truth is I am human. I do say horrible things sometimes, I do things that aren’t the way a good person, most especially a good Christian, should behave. Sometimes I hate myself for the things that come out of my mouth, for the actions that I have. Tonight was one of those nights. I couldn’t get over how hard it is sometimes to stop the crap from coming out and from stopping the anger that comes so easily. But as I said before, I am the kind of person who, most often, feels immediately bad about my actions and needs to apologize…even if I am not the only one at fault.
Don’t you just wish that everyone behaved this way or better yet, lived the good Christian life and didn’t do the ‘meanies’ in the first place. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world? Wouldn’t it be great if no one said things to upset us, no one hurt our feelings or left us out. There are so many times that I have felt left out, especially in the last 18 months or so. So many times things have been said that have hurt me, or maybe NOT said that have hurt me too. Mean people exist everywhere, mean girls become mean woman and there is no way to live in a mean free bubble. But forgiveness, now there’s a God given gift that is so valuable. Being a person who can forgive easily….well that’ s not me all the time. I am trying and have, most certainly, come leaps and bounds in this area.
I’d like to think I am the kind of person that people would look at and never say ‘now that’s a mean girl’ and I’m pretty sure I am okay there. But I know I am not a person that people would say forgives well, moves on well, treats everyone kindly all the time and is full of respect for all. I’m not okay with the person I am sometimes but I know that I am trying and know that a mean girl I am not.
As my title indicates, this one is about mean girls, mean people really.
We’ve been having troubles with this issue with a group of girls at my school. They seem to think they can just leave one girl out, ignore her, tell her not to follow them, talk about her and then tattle on her when she gets fed up and says something back. Why young girls behave this way is beyond me, I was never a young girl??? Actually I was never like this as a child and might add that I am VERY happy that I have all boys!!!
But as a young child I did do things that weren’t always nice and then felt horrible about it and within minutes was trying to fix the situation. I think I still do that now….I am always the one who apologizes first, always the one who stews about something for days only to find out the other person completely forgot about it.
So back to my girls…. We talked to them about whether it was ever okay to be mean. And of course, being the good catholic school that it is, we talked about whether God is happy when people are mean. Of course the kids answered no. But then we talked about whether meanness happened in the bible. Not surprisingly, the kids said that no one was mean in the bible….that should be the answer right??? We spent some time talking about people who were mean in the bible and what God and Jesus thought about that….and what Jesus taught them about this.
But the most important part of the discussion was yet to come…and is the reason for the entry. We talked about whether adults are ever mean and pointed out that mean girls become mean woman….the kind of person no one admires, no one really respects but often the person everyone is somewhat afraid of. Would you really want that to be you? Is that you?
I’d love to say that’s never me but the truth is I am human. I do say horrible things sometimes, I do things that aren’t the way a good person, most especially a good Christian, should behave. Sometimes I hate myself for the things that come out of my mouth, for the actions that I have. Tonight was one of those nights. I couldn’t get over how hard it is sometimes to stop the crap from coming out and from stopping the anger that comes so easily. But as I said before, I am the kind of person who, most often, feels immediately bad about my actions and needs to apologize…even if I am not the only one at fault.
Don’t you just wish that everyone behaved this way or better yet, lived the good Christian life and didn’t do the ‘meanies’ in the first place. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world? Wouldn’t it be great if no one said things to upset us, no one hurt our feelings or left us out. There are so many times that I have felt left out, especially in the last 18 months or so. So many times things have been said that have hurt me, or maybe NOT said that have hurt me too. Mean people exist everywhere, mean girls become mean woman and there is no way to live in a mean free bubble. But forgiveness, now there’s a God given gift that is so valuable. Being a person who can forgive easily….well that’ s not me all the time. I am trying and have, most certainly, come leaps and bounds in this area.
I’d like to think I am the kind of person that people would look at and never say ‘now that’s a mean girl’ and I’m pretty sure I am okay there. But I know I am not a person that people would say forgives well, moves on well, treats everyone kindly all the time and is full of respect for all. I’m not okay with the person I am sometimes but I know that I am trying and know that a mean girl I am not.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I try not to push my views of Christianity on others and try to respect the views of those who don’t believe. I understand how tragedy can challenge your faith especially if you don’t have much or any faith anyway. I’ve been pondering the views of others for about a week now as I have recently read some postings of other moms on one of the support forums I participate in. For the moms who have lost both their babes….well I can’t imagine the pain and I can relate to the feelings of anger that they must feel. But I really am surprised at some of what I’ve read and I’m not really sure why I am.
They have posted about their lack of faith….
I am not a religious person (never was), and did not "find God" in all of this. I think if I did believe in God beforehand I certainly wouldn't now. I know people find comfort in that, and that's fine, but personally I don't.
I too am not religious and never really was. The last thing I wanted to hear was how "God has a plan...blah blah" So many times I wanted to say F that, I am glad his plan was to take my babies away from me. I mean I know I am no angel, but no one deserves that.
It breaks my heart that others feel this pain and react this way. I want to reach out but I am not confident enough that my words would have any impact. I find it so surprising that people can feel this way and say these things. I know how angry I was, how confused and hurt. I wondered why all the time and even wondered if God felt I couldn’t handle this ‘twin ness’ or perhaps that I had wished it upon myself but not being overjoyed initially about the news of twins.
The thing is, for me, I had no choice but to believe in God in this and that this had all happened for a reason that I wasn’t meant to understand until I get to Heaven. If I didn’t believe in God than I didn’t believe in Heaven….and therefore I would NEVER see my son, Cole, again. And I live for the day that I reach Paradise and can hold that baby in my arms again, too see him in his glory, to tell him again how much he means to me and how his life was and is so very valuable.
And maybe that’s the most baffling part of this…that some of these people write what I posted above and yet write this too….
How was I suppose to explain where her brothers where to a 3 1/2 year old. To this day she tells everyone that she has two brothers in heaven. Part of me loves that she accepts them as her brothers, part of me hates that she tells people because I hate the pity look. She sends balloons to them any chance she gets, so that is really nice.
Isn’t that contradictory? How can you say that you don’t believe, aren’t religious and don’t believe God has a plan for all of us and yet be so comforted by sending balloons up to Heaven…and believing your children are there.
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I lost both of my twins, if Cameron had joined Cole in heaven. It would shatter me but I know that as hard as it would be, as hard as it is, God does bring me comfort. He does have a plan though I do not believe He WANTED to take Cole from us, that maybe wasn’t part of the plan.
But instead of being so angry and hurt I needed, as do I feel others do, to turn to God and ask him to comfort me, to take away my pain, to show me that I would see Cole again.
I remember when I first ‘met’ my online friend Tara we spoke about her feelings on the subject….
I’ve noticed you speak of God a few times. I have had mixed feelings on the subject of if I believe or not and even to what side he really plays with us. I have to ask, am I being tested? What could I possibly have done that makes my babies have to pay the price? Did you feel like you were being played with? Dangled hope in front of you and having someone threat to change everything. I can only imagine that after all you have been through you must have a huge hole in you somewhere or that to look as strong as you did you fill that whole with some short term answer? Thats what I’d do. I’d be fine from the outside for so long convincing the people not only am I getting better but moving on too. but in time I’d end up being a loaded weapon aimed at myself. if God is real he must by now know thats what I’d do. I don’t see what God is doing with me and matt as pro active. You could realy lose yourself in this kind of talk couldnt you. sorry :) i know i sound so negative on the subject of God but I believe we go somewhere when we die. I dont know where but I believe we do go. I noticed someone wrote a comment on your pics. saying that her boy and Cole are playing together. I need to believe that so much. if my boys don’t get to meet there mummy and daddy I need to believe that they didnt just stop existing. I need to believe that they get a second chance somewhere safe and loving.
And now Tara is a believer…well I think she and Matt both are. They truly believe that God sent Cole and I to be there for them…Cole to hold their boys hands and me to provide comfort and strength. Their boys were born on Cole and Cameron’s birthday and one of their boys is named after Cole. You can’t tell me that isn’t God’s work, that He didn’t intervene and bring our families together. I made an impact in their lives but they made one in mine too. I had not been able to really face mom’s of identical twins that were survivors yet but Tara and Matt and their boys touched my life too and I now consider them dear and special friends.
So I have to believe in God, in Heaven, in life after death, in the resurrection of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins. I have to believe that if I live a good life, treat people fairly, believe in God and praise him that I will see my son again. And how others who’ve lost can’t see this….I don’t know. I don’t know where their Hope comes from but mine comes from God.
Wow this was a pretty deep entry…but it’s something that’s been bugging me for a week or more and I just had to write about it…maybe someone reading this needs to see the two sides of the coin and maybe, just maybe, God will have one more believer.
They have posted about their lack of faith….
I am not a religious person (never was), and did not "find God" in all of this. I think if I did believe in God beforehand I certainly wouldn't now. I know people find comfort in that, and that's fine, but personally I don't.
I too am not religious and never really was. The last thing I wanted to hear was how "God has a plan...blah blah" So many times I wanted to say F that, I am glad his plan was to take my babies away from me. I mean I know I am no angel, but no one deserves that.
It breaks my heart that others feel this pain and react this way. I want to reach out but I am not confident enough that my words would have any impact. I find it so surprising that people can feel this way and say these things. I know how angry I was, how confused and hurt. I wondered why all the time and even wondered if God felt I couldn’t handle this ‘twin ness’ or perhaps that I had wished it upon myself but not being overjoyed initially about the news of twins.
The thing is, for me, I had no choice but to believe in God in this and that this had all happened for a reason that I wasn’t meant to understand until I get to Heaven. If I didn’t believe in God than I didn’t believe in Heaven….and therefore I would NEVER see my son, Cole, again. And I live for the day that I reach Paradise and can hold that baby in my arms again, too see him in his glory, to tell him again how much he means to me and how his life was and is so very valuable.
And maybe that’s the most baffling part of this…that some of these people write what I posted above and yet write this too….
How was I suppose to explain where her brothers where to a 3 1/2 year old. To this day she tells everyone that she has two brothers in heaven. Part of me loves that she accepts them as her brothers, part of me hates that she tells people because I hate the pity look. She sends balloons to them any chance she gets, so that is really nice.
Isn’t that contradictory? How can you say that you don’t believe, aren’t religious and don’t believe God has a plan for all of us and yet be so comforted by sending balloons up to Heaven…and believing your children are there.
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I lost both of my twins, if Cameron had joined Cole in heaven. It would shatter me but I know that as hard as it would be, as hard as it is, God does bring me comfort. He does have a plan though I do not believe He WANTED to take Cole from us, that maybe wasn’t part of the plan.
But instead of being so angry and hurt I needed, as do I feel others do, to turn to God and ask him to comfort me, to take away my pain, to show me that I would see Cole again.
I remember when I first ‘met’ my online friend Tara we spoke about her feelings on the subject….
I’ve noticed you speak of God a few times. I have had mixed feelings on the subject of if I believe or not and even to what side he really plays with us. I have to ask, am I being tested? What could I possibly have done that makes my babies have to pay the price? Did you feel like you were being played with? Dangled hope in front of you and having someone threat to change everything. I can only imagine that after all you have been through you must have a huge hole in you somewhere or that to look as strong as you did you fill that whole with some short term answer? Thats what I’d do. I’d be fine from the outside for so long convincing the people not only am I getting better but moving on too. but in time I’d end up being a loaded weapon aimed at myself. if God is real he must by now know thats what I’d do. I don’t see what God is doing with me and matt as pro active. You could realy lose yourself in this kind of talk couldnt you. sorry :) i know i sound so negative on the subject of God but I believe we go somewhere when we die. I dont know where but I believe we do go. I noticed someone wrote a comment on your pics. saying that her boy and Cole are playing together. I need to believe that so much. if my boys don’t get to meet there mummy and daddy I need to believe that they didnt just stop existing. I need to believe that they get a second chance somewhere safe and loving.
And now Tara is a believer…well I think she and Matt both are. They truly believe that God sent Cole and I to be there for them…Cole to hold their boys hands and me to provide comfort and strength. Their boys were born on Cole and Cameron’s birthday and one of their boys is named after Cole. You can’t tell me that isn’t God’s work, that He didn’t intervene and bring our families together. I made an impact in their lives but they made one in mine too. I had not been able to really face mom’s of identical twins that were survivors yet but Tara and Matt and their boys touched my life too and I now consider them dear and special friends.
So I have to believe in God, in Heaven, in life after death, in the resurrection of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins. I have to believe that if I live a good life, treat people fairly, believe in God and praise him that I will see my son again. And how others who’ve lost can’t see this….I don’t know. I don’t know where their Hope comes from but mine comes from God.
Wow this was a pretty deep entry…but it’s something that’s been bugging me for a week or more and I just had to write about it…maybe someone reading this needs to see the two sides of the coin and maybe, just maybe, God will have one more believer.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Perfect timing
About 4 hours after my last posting my husband called me over to the computer and said you've GOT to see this. Expecting some stupid joke or some inane video of some idiot doing something stupid I was quite surprised when the video revealed a message that echoed my thoughts of the last entry almost exactly.
The video is entitled 'The Invisible Woman' and before I get to posting it I wanted to share my thoughts on it. I sent it out to a few people who I wanted to see it and whom I felt needed to hear my thoughts about it. This is the message I sent out with it....
'When I watched this I cried because it made me realize something that I needed to share with you all. You see there are times that I question myself and the things I do. There are times I wonder if anyone sees me but more than that there are many times lately that I wonder if anyone can see the reasons I do things. I've realized in the last few days, and especially after watching this, that there indeed is someone who sees why I do things and is the reason why I do them. So it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks I am doing whatever I might be doing for.... I'm not doing it for you....'
But I realize now that I still don't 'get it' completely (okay I realize it with some help from my wonderful Aunt Sheila who pointed some things out to me). You see I used the phrase 'I'm sure He's proud of me' when I mentioned my fundraising project to her and she pointed out that God isn't proud of us when we do things that WE think are the right things to do. Instead He is proud of us when we bring him Joy...when we speak his name and praise Him, when we share his message, his love, his light with others.
At first I thought 'wow did I screw that one up'...me and my misunderstanding of being a Christian (yes, bit if sarcasm there!!!) but then I realized a few things....it's all a learning curve and really I just misused the word 'proud'. Pride is the wrong word...and should be the wrong word to use....when talking about my relationship with God. Pride, in some faiths, is a sin or a way to separate yourself from God. But do I think that God is HAPPY with me, do I think that I am bring Him joy... hmmmm...would it be prideful if I said yes??? I don't know, I'm new to this whole world of doing the right the thing in the name of God and actually believing and knowing that you are doing that. But I do believe that if I have the best of intentions, if I am not doing something for reasons that are not entirely honest or respectful and that I am not doing something for self satisfaction, attention and recognition but rather for the good of the world, to help others, to bring awareness to issues and most of all to give back and say thanks (and that's not just to Mt. Sinai for the lifesaving surgery that was done to save my sons but also to God who created that place, those doctors, the technology and of course my sons Cole and Cameron) than I am bringing joy to God and I am saying thanks to him. I really believe that He is putting this part of my journey here, that He is in control of this part of my destiny. I believe He is guiding me to help others travel the world of TTTS and other fetal distress disorders.
But do I care if anyone notices....not anymore.... if I am invisible, well that's okay because I know He's watching and He's bringing me to it.
As a mom I am building the most amazing cathedrals, the most amazing testaments to His love...my kids are proof that God makes amazing things and performs miracles and I'll do whatever it takes to build them up in His glory. And I will do what it takes to build myself too and to do things to give back and to thank Him for all He's given me.
No one needs to know, no one needs to notice...it's just between Him and I.
The video is entitled 'The Invisible Woman' and before I get to posting it I wanted to share my thoughts on it. I sent it out to a few people who I wanted to see it and whom I felt needed to hear my thoughts about it. This is the message I sent out with it....
'When I watched this I cried because it made me realize something that I needed to share with you all. You see there are times that I question myself and the things I do. There are times I wonder if anyone sees me but more than that there are many times lately that I wonder if anyone can see the reasons I do things. I've realized in the last few days, and especially after watching this, that there indeed is someone who sees why I do things and is the reason why I do them. So it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks I am doing whatever I might be doing for.... I'm not doing it for you....'
But I realize now that I still don't 'get it' completely (okay I realize it with some help from my wonderful Aunt Sheila who pointed some things out to me). You see I used the phrase 'I'm sure He's proud of me' when I mentioned my fundraising project to her and she pointed out that God isn't proud of us when we do things that WE think are the right things to do. Instead He is proud of us when we bring him Joy...when we speak his name and praise Him, when we share his message, his love, his light with others.
At first I thought 'wow did I screw that one up'...me and my misunderstanding of being a Christian (yes, bit if sarcasm there!!!) but then I realized a few things....it's all a learning curve and really I just misused the word 'proud'. Pride is the wrong word...and should be the wrong word to use....when talking about my relationship with God. Pride, in some faiths, is a sin or a way to separate yourself from God. But do I think that God is HAPPY with me, do I think that I am bring Him joy... hmmmm...would it be prideful if I said yes??? I don't know, I'm new to this whole world of doing the right the thing in the name of God and actually believing and knowing that you are doing that. But I do believe that if I have the best of intentions, if I am not doing something for reasons that are not entirely honest or respectful and that I am not doing something for self satisfaction, attention and recognition but rather for the good of the world, to help others, to bring awareness to issues and most of all to give back and say thanks (and that's not just to Mt. Sinai for the lifesaving surgery that was done to save my sons but also to God who created that place, those doctors, the technology and of course my sons Cole and Cameron) than I am bringing joy to God and I am saying thanks to him. I really believe that He is putting this part of my journey here, that He is in control of this part of my destiny. I believe He is guiding me to help others travel the world of TTTS and other fetal distress disorders.
But do I care if anyone notices....not anymore.... if I am invisible, well that's okay because I know He's watching and He's bringing me to it.
As a mom I am building the most amazing cathedrals, the most amazing testaments to His love...my kids are proof that God makes amazing things and performs miracles and I'll do whatever it takes to build them up in His glory. And I will do what it takes to build myself too and to do things to give back and to thank Him for all He's given me.
No one needs to know, no one needs to notice...it's just between Him and I.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The right reasons
I've been debating about writing this blog long enough and decided that it was time to put my words on 'paper' and stop complaining and venting to everyone.
Sometimes I feel so misunderstood but in all honesty I think I misunderstand myself a lot too. Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, sometimes it looks like I am doing them for different reasons than I am and sometimes I really am right on track (well in my mind anyway!!!)
Those who have read my blog from the first day I started it know that I have always felt that we (meaning Geoff and I) have wanted to give back to Mt. Sinai, the place that diagnosed our TTTS, treated it and ultimately saved Cameron's life with the fetal surgery (only place in Canada that you can get it) and the blood transfusion (very few places in Canada do these on an unborn fetus). For a long time it was just too hard to be in the right place to start planning this. I didn't want our fundraiser to be all about 'preserving Cole's memory' and filled with emotion. I needed to be ready to deal with the reality of what happened to our boys, to answer the questions and explain what happened and why Mt. Sinai is such an amazing place. I wanted it to be all about raising funds for a place that raises hope for families.
And so the plans began to take shape late last fall. We wanted to do something different, not just the usual dance and silent auction. We thought a casino night would be lots of fun but when we looked into it we found out it was impossible the way we planned to do it. After a lot of waiting for answers and unreturned emails we finally had a plan, a location and a unique event.
A retro wedding themed costume dance with a silent auction and tons of neat ideas of games to play and things to do to raise extra money.
And I feel great about it...at least I think I do. Unfortunately though someone has planted a seed in my head that maybe I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. That maybe this isn't a good idea, that maybe I shouldn't be holding an event to get people to give money to this place that means so much to me. Self-doubt reigns supreme in Jodie's world at the best of times and now I think that maybe my whole event will be a big flop and I'll look like an idiot...that maybe I really don't have family and friends who support me and what I thought was this great idea, great thing I was doing.
And maybe that's the whole thing.... it's not about Me, about what I think or about a thing I am doing. People have to do this, some to our event because they believe it is a good idea, a good place to put their money. My only job is to help show them what a wonderful place Mt. Sinai is.... and the only way I can do that is for Me to talk about it, Me to hold the event and bring the issue of fetal distress out in the open.
For the most part I am in such a good place about what has happened, about the miracle that is Cole and Cameron and about the tragic loss of my sweet baby boy. I feel so good about how far I've come and what I've been able to achieve. I feel motivated to help any way I can. I know I've made a difference already, we are so very blessed to have a name sake for our Cole living half a world away, born on his birthday, to prove it. I helped someone and that is a great feeling. Cole helped someone, was someone's guardian angel again and that is an even better feeling.
And planning this event is a good feeling too. I can't let the lack of understanding and support of the event by some defer me from to good work I am doing, the difference I am making.
And so I will focus on the work ahead. On making this the best that I can, being as organized as I can, getting as many items for the auction, as many fun games, as many fun ways to raise funds. And hopefully the people will come. Wasn't that line from Field of Dreams "if you build it, they will come". Well I am about to build a fun night, a night of raising funds while raising hopes. And darn it all THEY WILL COME!!!
And just to reassure myself that I really am doing this for the right reason I have to share yet again another quote from an article I read this week. This article spoke to me on so many levels but mostly it showed me that doing this event is another way to honour Cole, to preserve his memory all while moving forward because although our lives were changed forever on December 13/08, our lives did not stop that day....
"It needs to be said at the outset that life will never again be the same. Evidence of the tear in the fabric of one's life remains even once mended. That is not to say that people should grieve endlessly. Rather, a process of mourning must occur, the outcome of which is to find a place within to preserve the person lost, freeing up the survivors to go on."
Sometimes I feel so misunderstood but in all honesty I think I misunderstand myself a lot too. Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, sometimes it looks like I am doing them for different reasons than I am and sometimes I really am right on track (well in my mind anyway!!!)
Those who have read my blog from the first day I started it know that I have always felt that we (meaning Geoff and I) have wanted to give back to Mt. Sinai, the place that diagnosed our TTTS, treated it and ultimately saved Cameron's life with the fetal surgery (only place in Canada that you can get it) and the blood transfusion (very few places in Canada do these on an unborn fetus). For a long time it was just too hard to be in the right place to start planning this. I didn't want our fundraiser to be all about 'preserving Cole's memory' and filled with emotion. I needed to be ready to deal with the reality of what happened to our boys, to answer the questions and explain what happened and why Mt. Sinai is such an amazing place. I wanted it to be all about raising funds for a place that raises hope for families.
And so the plans began to take shape late last fall. We wanted to do something different, not just the usual dance and silent auction. We thought a casino night would be lots of fun but when we looked into it we found out it was impossible the way we planned to do it. After a lot of waiting for answers and unreturned emails we finally had a plan, a location and a unique event.
A retro wedding themed costume dance with a silent auction and tons of neat ideas of games to play and things to do to raise extra money.
And I feel great about it...at least I think I do. Unfortunately though someone has planted a seed in my head that maybe I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. That maybe this isn't a good idea, that maybe I shouldn't be holding an event to get people to give money to this place that means so much to me. Self-doubt reigns supreme in Jodie's world at the best of times and now I think that maybe my whole event will be a big flop and I'll look like an idiot...that maybe I really don't have family and friends who support me and what I thought was this great idea, great thing I was doing.
And maybe that's the whole thing.... it's not about Me, about what I think or about a thing I am doing. People have to do this, some to our event because they believe it is a good idea, a good place to put their money. My only job is to help show them what a wonderful place Mt. Sinai is.... and the only way I can do that is for Me to talk about it, Me to hold the event and bring the issue of fetal distress out in the open.
For the most part I am in such a good place about what has happened, about the miracle that is Cole and Cameron and about the tragic loss of my sweet baby boy. I feel so good about how far I've come and what I've been able to achieve. I feel motivated to help any way I can. I know I've made a difference already, we are so very blessed to have a name sake for our Cole living half a world away, born on his birthday, to prove it. I helped someone and that is a great feeling. Cole helped someone, was someone's guardian angel again and that is an even better feeling.
And planning this event is a good feeling too. I can't let the lack of understanding and support of the event by some defer me from to good work I am doing, the difference I am making.
And so I will focus on the work ahead. On making this the best that I can, being as organized as I can, getting as many items for the auction, as many fun games, as many fun ways to raise funds. And hopefully the people will come. Wasn't that line from Field of Dreams "if you build it, they will come". Well I am about to build a fun night, a night of raising funds while raising hopes. And darn it all THEY WILL COME!!!
And just to reassure myself that I really am doing this for the right reason I have to share yet again another quote from an article I read this week. This article spoke to me on so many levels but mostly it showed me that doing this event is another way to honour Cole, to preserve his memory all while moving forward because although our lives were changed forever on December 13/08, our lives did not stop that day....
"It needs to be said at the outset that life will never again be the same. Evidence of the tear in the fabric of one's life remains even once mended. That is not to say that people should grieve endlessly. Rather, a process of mourning must occur, the outcome of which is to find a place within to preserve the person lost, freeing up the survivors to go on."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Things that make you go hmmmmm....
I wish what I was writing about today was about happy things that make you go hmmmm or weird things but really it's about the things that make me wonder things about life, about myself and about others.
It's been a week of unrest and disbelief in the small community we live in here. Last week an unbelievable tragedy occurred 10 minutes from our house. I found myself thinking constantly of Officer Pham's family, of those sweet boys he leaves behind, of his loving wife and of his community. For those who read this (does anyone actually read this or do I just babble here for me.... let me know if you do, I am curious, I admit it) and don't know where I live or grew up this tragedy happened very close to my current home and this wonderful man who died in the line of duty lived in the community next to the one I grew up in and where I went to highschool. It just hits so close to home and just makes me think about so many things.
Life is so very precious and so impossible to forecast. We do not know each day what will happen nor can we worry about it. We must live each day to the fullest, we must cherish all the little things and not worry about the things we can't control. That is for God to do, we have to put our faith in him.
The memories we have afterwards, after a tragedy, after a crisis but more importantly after a life, a love, a blessing, a joyful event...a miracle.... those are the things to cherish and to honour.
God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December. James M. Barrie
I live for those memories of Cole somedays. They are all I have. I have memories of the day I learned I was carrying twins, of the joy I felt in telling others and planning for their arrival. I have memories of seeing not one but two little miracles bouncing around inside of me. I remember the first movements and the knowledge that it could be any one of 4 limbs moving in their. But most of all I remember the excitement and the joy I felt at being picked to be a part of this unique club - mom of identical twins. What a gift from God they were, how lucky I was.
There will always be memories of the sad times, the TTTS journey and the day we learned Cole had passed away. I will forever remember the day I welcomed him into the world and wished he wasn't so still. But I need to focus on the joyful memories...it is the only way to cope and the only way it all makes sense in my head.
For a long time I wasn't able to be so joyful and I was so very angry. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments where I remember everything that made me angry. So much of that anger was tied up in what I realized later was the need to forgive others. It's a hard thing to do, to forgive those who have hurt you. Heather Pham said "God forgives all and hoped that others would offer their forgiveness as well". She is so right. God forgives all and so must we...so must I. I had the hardest time forgiving myself I think. It was tough to admit that what held me back the most from moving on was the guilt I felt at how I reacted when I learned about the twins growing inside of me. But I have come to terms with that, I have forgiven myself, and I dwell now on the memories of the excitement, the joy and the happiness I had at the gift I was given.
I hope that everyone can learn from someone of faith like Heather Pham, her family and her church community. They should inspire us all to be better people and to live as God wishes us to.
Another quote came to mind as I was typing this
"The true voyage of self-discovery lies not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes" Marcel Proust
Such a truth he speaks.
I have discovered more about myself through the gifts that are Cameron and Cole than I ever though imaginable. But it really isn't about finding a new place to be, a new group of friends who understands you for what you've been through or accepts you for what you are, it's not about finding where you fit in or even learning from what you've been through. It truly is 'having new eyes' and seeing the world in a different way. Not changing that world, not even necessarily changing yourself though the self-discovery journey usually does do this. But opening your eyes to what is there in front of you, to what you have, what you hold, who you are. Appreciating it all, seeing the joy, the love, the wonderment. That's what it is, that's what it's become for me.
Knowing that life is so very precious and I can't focus on silly little things (like seriously Jodie you can't be upset that people stopped reading your blog, that people who used to call a lot don't, that so many friends and relationships have changed) because it's all in how I look at it...not with negative eyes, not with angry eyes, not with eyes that can't forgive but with eyes wide open, seeing myself for who I am and who I've become, changing what needs to be changed and blaming no one but myself. My new eyes might need glasses from time to time but they are helping me to see what really is important!
It's been a week of unrest and disbelief in the small community we live in here. Last week an unbelievable tragedy occurred 10 minutes from our house. I found myself thinking constantly of Officer Pham's family, of those sweet boys he leaves behind, of his loving wife and of his community. For those who read this (does anyone actually read this or do I just babble here for me.... let me know if you do, I am curious, I admit it) and don't know where I live or grew up this tragedy happened very close to my current home and this wonderful man who died in the line of duty lived in the community next to the one I grew up in and where I went to highschool. It just hits so close to home and just makes me think about so many things.
Life is so very precious and so impossible to forecast. We do not know each day what will happen nor can we worry about it. We must live each day to the fullest, we must cherish all the little things and not worry about the things we can't control. That is for God to do, we have to put our faith in him.
The memories we have afterwards, after a tragedy, after a crisis but more importantly after a life, a love, a blessing, a joyful event...a miracle.... those are the things to cherish and to honour.
God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December. James M. Barrie
I live for those memories of Cole somedays. They are all I have. I have memories of the day I learned I was carrying twins, of the joy I felt in telling others and planning for their arrival. I have memories of seeing not one but two little miracles bouncing around inside of me. I remember the first movements and the knowledge that it could be any one of 4 limbs moving in their. But most of all I remember the excitement and the joy I felt at being picked to be a part of this unique club - mom of identical twins. What a gift from God they were, how lucky I was.
There will always be memories of the sad times, the TTTS journey and the day we learned Cole had passed away. I will forever remember the day I welcomed him into the world and wished he wasn't so still. But I need to focus on the joyful memories...it is the only way to cope and the only way it all makes sense in my head.
For a long time I wasn't able to be so joyful and I was so very angry. Don't get me wrong, I still have moments where I remember everything that made me angry. So much of that anger was tied up in what I realized later was the need to forgive others. It's a hard thing to do, to forgive those who have hurt you. Heather Pham said "God forgives all and hoped that others would offer their forgiveness as well". She is so right. God forgives all and so must we...so must I. I had the hardest time forgiving myself I think. It was tough to admit that what held me back the most from moving on was the guilt I felt at how I reacted when I learned about the twins growing inside of me. But I have come to terms with that, I have forgiven myself, and I dwell now on the memories of the excitement, the joy and the happiness I had at the gift I was given.
I hope that everyone can learn from someone of faith like Heather Pham, her family and her church community. They should inspire us all to be better people and to live as God wishes us to.
Another quote came to mind as I was typing this
"The true voyage of self-discovery lies not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes" Marcel Proust
Such a truth he speaks.
I have discovered more about myself through the gifts that are Cameron and Cole than I ever though imaginable. But it really isn't about finding a new place to be, a new group of friends who understands you for what you've been through or accepts you for what you are, it's not about finding where you fit in or even learning from what you've been through. It truly is 'having new eyes' and seeing the world in a different way. Not changing that world, not even necessarily changing yourself though the self-discovery journey usually does do this. But opening your eyes to what is there in front of you, to what you have, what you hold, who you are. Appreciating it all, seeing the joy, the love, the wonderment. That's what it is, that's what it's become for me.
Knowing that life is so very precious and I can't focus on silly little things (like seriously Jodie you can't be upset that people stopped reading your blog, that people who used to call a lot don't, that so many friends and relationships have changed) because it's all in how I look at it...not with negative eyes, not with angry eyes, not with eyes that can't forgive but with eyes wide open, seeing myself for who I am and who I've become, changing what needs to be changed and blaming no one but myself. My new eyes might need glasses from time to time but they are helping me to see what really is important!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
How'd I do...
Hmmmm....good question. How'd I make out surviving the first birthday of my sweet boys...the day I remember with such bittersweet emotions, the day I said hello to two and goodbye to one.
Well it was actually not too bad. My emotions were high in the morning but my mom called and came, with my sister in law and nephew to spend the day with us. We went and got Cameron's birthday pictures taken and then had lunch.
Lunch probably had my only other emotional moments but they were kept entirely hidden. You see my nephew was born 3 weeks after Cameron. My mom, and entire family, planned for these THREE babies to share close birthdays and grow up together. I say my mom because she was the shopper Grandma who bought 3 of everything for her grandbabies. At lunch Cameron and Joel sat together and made a huge mess!!!! It was hard to watch them together and awesome too.
When we had cake that night...see photos below...I expected to tear up, expected to have trouble singing Happy Birthday. But that didn't happen, not then and not when we've had cake and singing any of the 3 times we have for this special birthday. I had thought I'd NEED to send a sky lantern up to Cole in Heaven for his birthday but it just didn't seem as important as it did back in December.
I don't know why this is but I suspect it is because we lost Cole 11 weeks before his birthday and though I know that this should have been his birthday, should have been the day I welcomed them both into the world with great joy I think my heart really feels like Cole never had a birthday. We never got to plan for a joyful arrival day, we knew for 11 weeks that we would welcome our still and silent son. It hurt so much but it was reality. So many of my TTTS mommy pals did welcome two babes into the world, they did have 2 birthdays to celebrate...and unfortunately a few days later they have an angelversary to celebrate.
Part of me will always have some sadness on my twins birthday but I think the joy outweighs the sorrow. Cameron brings sunshine and happiness to everyone he meets and has brought immense joy to my life. I need to celebrate his day for the miracle it is. It came so close to not happening, and so so so very close to not happening in February for sure. The progression of the TTTS was so rapid that another 3-4 hours without the surgery could certainly have meant death for him. It definitely would have meant permanent disability....there were so many large vessels connected our boys that the drop in blood pressure would NEVER have produce anything but catastrophic results. Cameron was severely anemic after the loss of Cole...this too could have had horrible outcomes but was caught and fixed right away. My water broke 3 weeks later when Cameron was definitely at micro-preemie size (he was 650 grams...not even really on the charts yet for growth). Had he been born then he would have been on intense breathing support, he would have endured trial after trial in the NICU and would very likely have had some negative outcomes.
But God is good and his (and our)angel Cole is good...and Cameron was absolutely and perfectly fine when he arrived 54 days later. God is amazing and performs such amazing miracles. He rewards us for our faithfulness and trust. He promises to be with us, to protect us and to bring us home to Him and all our loved ones in Heaven...all we need to do is believe.
Well I believe, I have Hope and Faith, and I know, one day, I will celebrate this birthday in Heaven with this perfect son of mine after having celebrated years of birthdays with this perfect son of mine on Earth.
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