Devotion #9 - Happy-Sad days

Happy-Sad days…that is the topic of this devotion and boy do I have tons to relate to this one. It’s a devotion that talks about the author’s son asking her why she looked sad today. I get this from my son, Brycen, all the time. At first it happened just after we lost Cole and most days were very sad, despite it being the happy exciting time that Christmas is in a child’s life. He would often say to me “You no be sad today mom?” Now he just takes my face in his hands and says “Mom are you sad?” He always seems to accept that I am sad because I miss Cole but it really doesn’t explain to him why I am so sad.
I am supposed to explore these why’s…reflect on my lost son…how old would he be and what would he be like?
Once again I am back to the difficulty that using a devotional book designed for the loss of a singleton baby. Perhaps when this is all done and I’m in the right place in my life I just might write my own book to help someone who’s lost one of their multiples. Anyway, back to the reflection of Cole…he’d be 6.5 months old now. Babbling, rolling over, smiling and happy if he was anything like his twin. I know exactly what he’d look like…

And oh how hard it is to realize just how much we’ve lost. I don’t even need to ask myself why does this have to be so hard, hurt so much, consume me so intensely. Because each and every day I see the baby I’ve lost and miss so much in the light and love that emits from the smiles of his identical twin.
Somedays that is all it takes to set me off…just a smile from Cameron. Often it is more the thoughts of the things I won’t see my twins do together. And I guess that is a big part of it…it’s not so much the loss of Cole that hurts but the loss of our twins together. I am blessed to still have a baby to hold and watch grow up, I’m not empty armed.
As we start to near some of the anniversary dates I begin to think more and more about what has happened to us in the last year…and that makes me sad. It will soon be 1 year since we learned we were having twins and I know that will be a hard day. Cameron’s firsts are hard too….right now he’s just starting to play with toys, sit up on his own, roll over to get somewhere, take an interest in eating food. Each of these moments is a joy for us and yet they are moments filled with sadness too.
A few weeks ago I made a video of photos and songs to celebrate Cameron’s first 6 months of life. I know that I will celebrate Cole’s life with another video. I’ve made one but this one will have more to it…more memories, more photos (maybe even one of him though I am not sure I want to share those or how to share those) and more about the dreams we had for him. I also know that I’d like to celebrate his angelversary (the date he passed away) with my boys and Geoff. I want to let off balloons and blow bubbles up to him in heaven and I want to go to his garden and lay flowers at his stone and cry.
I also want, desperately, to find a way to help others, in his memory. I would like to do a fundraiser and donate money to Mt. Sinai and I really think writing something that can help others is a way I can honor this special little boy.
The son in the book tells his mom that she is like a yellow traffic light…not red , not green…not all happy , not all sad but a bit of both. And I guess that’s me too….I am sad because I miss my baby and we missed out on raising twins together but I am so very happy that I have Cameron here with us and that Cole is in heaven and is at peace. And this is okay…to be happy and sad together.
I am encouraged to write a letter to Cole in Heaven…I’ve done this before though not for awhile but I talk to him all the time…here’s what I say;

Hello there beautiful baby;
I see your shining blue green eyes each day as I gaze at your twin brother and I wonder if you are as wonderfully happy as he is….or is he as wonderfully happy because he has you in his heart. I hope that you are enjoying all the toys up there in Heaven…do you bounce as high as Cameron on your exersaucer? Do you snuggle up and give kisses too? Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
This is so very hard, this living without you. I wanted so much for you, looked forward to watching and Cameron grow together. It was always so hard for me to know how to react about the life we would all have together. I was so very overwhelmed for so long but the worst of that busy time I worried about is over now with Cameron and I know for sure I could have done this….it would have worked, we would have made it. I could have been that twin mommy I was so scared to be. I have enough love in my heart for all of my children. I miss you so very much and although I know you are at peace in Heaven, most days I just want you here with me.
I wonder if I’ll know you when I get to Heaven. Well to be honest, some days I wonder if I’ll get there at all. Do you grow up along with Cameron? I assume as much and picture you that way…that though your body stopped growing inside of me you continued to grow just like your twin. When I reach the gates of Paradise I imagine you will give me the hugs and cuddles I’ve missed so much and you’ll look just like Cameron when I leave him here on Earth to join you there.
I want you to know that I love you so very much and miss you from the very depths of my heart. I know that I am forever changed because I had you, you will be a part of my heart and soul for all the days of my life.
Love you smiley red haired angel baby!
Mommy

God;
My emotions are triggered by so many things…a smile or belly laugh from Cameron, seeing twins somewhere, finding an ultrasound picture of Cole, a wonderful gift for Cole’s garden from an unexpected person, writing thank you cards and memories….so many memories. My emotions change so quickly but you are steadfast in your love for me and your truth. Remind me gently of your presence in my pain and show me how to make it count for good.

Devotion #8 - The Empty Frame

This devotion is another that only applies in small to me. It focuses more on miscarriage and suffering in secret. Perhaps even of a loss that you've never shared with someone.
I share my loss with everyone. Most people, complete strangers, know I lost Cole because they always ask about Cameron...his age and size don't match up at all...even his corrected age. It is most likely because he is a twin and of course when I say that people ask where his twin is. It doesn't bother me to tell people. I feel I am honoring my dear sweet baby by doing this.
But does it bother the people I tell. I think so. Sometimes they become quiet and move on but more often they ask questions and they let me talk about my dear sweet angel baby.
The book asks if I have suffered in secret about my loss and what feelings I have locked away.
As I have said above, I don't think I've suffered in secret and as I've talked about before, the only feelings I have hid away are my feelings of guilt and the confusion of this. It is so very hard for me to not feel guilty when I think about my twins and how scared I was of having them. I feel so guilty when I try to pay bills and know that having two babies would have made this impossible....it's hard enough as it is! When Cameron is super fussy and I can't get anything done I think 'there is no way I would have survived this with Cole and Cameron here together'. Sometimes I am sure this is why God took Cole home early.
And then I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Guilty for having such little faith in an all powerful and loving God. Guilty for not seeming to want my child. Guilt is such a sneaky emotion...it creeps up on you so quickly.
So here is my mantra for this devotion -
I did nothing wrong to enter this club of infant loss. I would have been a wonderful mommy to TWO wonderful babies. I could have done this and would have done this and life would have been fine. AND LIFE IS GOOD...even without my precious son in my earthly life. I am blessed to have 4 wonderful children and am lucky that when I reach the gates of Heaven my child will reach his arms out to me and welcome me HOME!

God - you are all powerful and knowing. You know that I suffer in silence about the guilt and confusion I feel about my twin sons. You know that I don't understand the hows and whys of Cole's existence and his death. I try to hide it from everyone, even you...but you know. You will help me through this because you brought me to it. Help me to come to terms with all that I feel and help me to get the support I need to deal with these feelings. Amen

Devotion #7 - Journey through the Darkness of Depression

When I've spoken to medical professionals about depression and post partum depression they always seem to tell me that I seem to be 'doing great' considering all we've been through. They tell me that my attitude seems to be good, that I am talking and open and that basically I don't have the symptoms of being depressed.
This chapter of the book makes me realize that this just might not be the case. Depression does not always manifest itself in the inability to live life, to get out of bed, to eat/make meals....to function. It is not always about tears and grief, about hiding away from others. Often it is the angry outbursts, cluttered homes, inabiltiy to finish projects, forgetfulness and other changes to your normal. I am realize I have all those symptoms...and though I can blame them on being a mom of 3 young boys the fact remains that I know I am not the 'normal' me. Maybe I'll never be the me I used to be...and why should I ever be that 'me' again...my life has changed forever. But I don't have to hang my hat on that and blame everything on it. It is time I start looking for some person to person support and start talking about the things that are so tough about the loss of Cole. I need to have someone listen and respond back to me so that I can understand that THIS is normal...and that there will be an end to it.
I am not alone in this world of grief. Many other TTTS moms, unfortunately, join me in this inutero loss of a twin and too many other people join me in the loss of a child. Many people in the bible must have struggled with depression and loss...let's be honest, it wasn't all paradise and perfect. God wants all of us to see him as the light that guides us out of our darkness. By asking him to guide me to the right place to find help I am making the right moves for everyone, especially me!
I know that I have difficulty dealing with real life...I turn to this computer too often and hide away from the world. I said I'd stop and I can't seem to. My kids and husband get mad at me because I am always down here. I know they don't understand that this is what I feel I NEED right now...but I also need to listen to them and to God more. I need to get more organized and stop putting off jobs. A friend referred me to a place for counselling a few months ago and I have yet to call them...hopefully today I will...but I might need a bit more prodding to do it. I promise I will...the time has come! For all those who follow this blog, who are helping me move along this journey of hope and healing...keep up the great work and remind me of the promises I am making!

Devotion # 6 - Nothing to show for my loss

Where does understanding dwell...
God understands the way to it
and he alone knows where it dwells Job 28: 20, 23

When I read this title I again was struck by how much this book isn't written for someone like me who does have something to show for their loss, who did bring a beautiful baby home from the hospital and who didn't sit staring at their shrinking abdomen shortly after their loss and wonder what had happened. But the reality is that it still is me...the dreams I had for my identical twins...of matching outfits, Christmas photos, playing and laughing together, perfect playmates and the uniqueness of it all was snatched away from me before I ever had a chance to comprehend what was happening.
Back on Dec. 11th when this all began I prayed to God to keep my boys safe. I asked him to bless them and keep them, to lay his hands upon them. I was so sure the outcome was going to be just fine, this just couldn't be happening to me. In the 24+ hours after diagnosis but before we lost Cole it never occured to either of us that he might pass away. And when we learned he had it was the most devastating and earth shattering time of my life.
When I realized that my prayer had not been answered, atleast not the way I intended it, I wasn't angry at God. Now don't get me wrong, I was angry, confused, devastated and completely lost but anger wasn't really in my emotional bag at that point. I did however decide then and there that I would no longer ask God for anything specific, I would only thank Him for what I had, ask his blessings on all that was important to me and leave the rest up to him. I didn't want my faith to be tested.
But it never occured to me until reading this devotion that God understands my suffering. He knows what it is like to lose a child. Jesus understands my suffering. He endured physical and emotional pain, torture and death even though he pleaded with God to take his cup of suffering from him. He willingly accepted his suffering if that was God's plan. Did he deserve to suffer, to die? Of course not. None of us 'deserve' the suffering we endure, none of us are being punished by God and it isn't a sign of sin. It isn't God telling us to 'clean up our act'.
At first that was sort of how I thought of our journey. Not as a punishment but that God allowed this to happen to us because He wished our family to learn something from it, to grow from it. I remember getting angry with Geoff when he would call me and vent about how stressed he was at home with the boys. I kept saying to him "This happened to us for a reason. I think it's supposed to make us stronger and better as a family and now I don't know what to think because it's not making us better but worse."...Yup I really thought and said that. First of all I realize now how selfish I was being towards the rest of my family...I wasn't suffering alone but sure acted like it. And secondly, why on Earth should I have thought that 2 months after the saddest day of our lives we should be miraculously changed and functioning like this sitcom family, I have no idea!!!
I realize now that God didn't allow to happen for that reason but that He's here to take our cup of suffering, to help us in our time of need and most likely help our family grow, strengthen and comfort one another. He wants to walk with us through our pain and He wants to give us hope to see our loss in the scope of eternity. It will all make sense one day. There are a great many things we are not meant to understand this side of Heaven and by asking God to guide us we will make there to see our loved ones, to understand His great plan.


Footprints
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
Carolyn Carty, 1963


God, losing Cole seems so unfair. Taking Cameron's twin from him, not allowing me to be the Twin Mommy I dreamed of being seems almost cruel sometimes since it took me so long to feel joy at the news of our twins. I didn't expect things to turn out this way....never did I think I would only bring one precious child home to my house while you took my other baby to yours. You could have saved my child but you didn't. You are the one who undertands and sees the big picture, even if I don't. Please take my cup of suffering and walk with me through my pain. Wrap Your arms of understanding and comfort around me. Fill my arms with Your hope and salvation. Amen

A Poem

Children's Footprints
Some children come into our lives and go quickly.
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints-
Some oh so small,
Some a little larger,
But all have left their footprints on our lives, in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.

by Doreen Sexton

This poem rings so true. All of my children have affected me in ways that have forever changed me and I will never ever be the same. Cole, most of all I think because he's made me realize that sometimes in life we have to suffer, be sad, feel loss...and from that we will all learn to 'love a little stronger and dig a little deeper'.

Just some notes

I had thought I might do another devotion today but decided instead to put down some of the things that I've been thinking of...the things I can't seem to let go of. Some of this is because yesterday I finally developed the pictures that were taken of Cole when he was born. I had resisted as I wasn't sure I could look at them again. My memory of the day he was born, of the lifeless body I held in my arms, saddens me greatly. The images aren't pretty.
Other women in the TTTS groups I belong to who lost one of their twins long before they were born have written about their amazing experiences...of how their sweet angel looked so perfect, just like their living twin only smaller, how their skin was so soft, their features so perfect.
And this just makes me so angry and I feel jipped all over again. That's not how I remember it, Cole didn't look like that to me and I couldn't bring myself to look at him for a long time nor did I touch his skin much. What kind of mother does this make me...how could I be so shallow???
But when I looked at those pictures yesterday I know I did the right thing. Maybe he wasn't as 'perfect' as other little TTTS angels but he was and is my perfect TTTS angel. I have had a few dreams where I see him again at birth. He's still an angel but he looks like one...he's soft and calm looking, his features blurred but perfect. And he is at peace.
Having the pictures helps me to remember the real moment of his birth but the image I want in my mind is not of his distorted features but of a 'faded' Cameron. I'll always know what Cole looks like and perhaps in time I can picture that more and more as someone other than Cameron.
The other place my mind travels sometimes is the path of 'what ifs'. I can tell myself all I want that the biology just wasn't there for Cole to survive...and I know this all to be true from reading the reports. But I still get so angry at times when I read other TTTS mom's stories...of how they found out, had a few weeks to deal with it, had surgery and their babies were fine. Or even the ones who found out like we did....abit late for TTTS but they had surgery and both their babes were saved. I get angry that I wasn't sent to London for further testing and ultrasounds just to verify the make up of the placenta and to check for possible problems. What if we'd known sooner that Cole's cord was so badly placed, what if TTTS had shown up sooner and we'd had surgery before his heart got so sick. What if , what if , what if.
I know it's not going to help me heal and I have no idea what to do with some of the anger I have about what did or didn't happen. Sometimes I think I need to have someone sit down with me again and go over all the facts so I can clearly see the picture that it was. But will that really help? Does it matter that Cole didn't stand a chance against the reality that is shared placentas of identical twins? Does that bring me peace? It sure won't bring him back. It won't stop this ache in my heart. It won't stop me from tearing up each time I see twin boys, especially identicals. It won't make my arms stop feeling so empty and it won't stop me from wondering what life would have been like with my two perfect twins here on earth.
God please help me to move ahead and not hang my 'hat' on these questions that have no answers. Help me to see some of the plan you have for me and to feel blessed with the knowledge that one of children has already made it to Paradise and is waiting for me to join him there.
Keep the seat beside you warm Cole while I spend my days with your brothers and Daddy and all our family and friends here. Know that Mommy loves and misses you and will work so very hard to ensure that I see you someday at Heaven's Gate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeLDr7e5rzA

Devotion #5 - Missing in Action

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I have always loved this verse for it's simplicity...Just be still and relax and feel God around you. In a world where we are always go, go, go it is so very important to take time out for silence, for stillness and in those moments you will feel God the most.
Today's devotion is about keeping yourself so busy that you are missing in action from your grief. It talks about keeping your schedule too tight to allow any room for missing your baby and working at healing. And it speaks of being so filled with 'busy-ness' that you don't find the time to pour your heart out to God, to slow down and make room for him to help you to heal.
I don't have much that keeps me to busy not to think of Cole these days. I am, of course, very busy with a 6 month old baby and two other very active boys. I spend a lot of my time sitting around, especially while nursing Cameron, thinking of Cole. It is pretty hard not to when I know that he is the exact image of his amazing twin brother. The book wanted me to make a list of all the activities and roles that I have in a typical week. I am sure it's geared towards someone who's back to work and maybe even someone who isn't a mom already. My weeks consists of all the roles of mommy and I am defintately not taking on more than I should be. I am not avoiding facing my loss but am I giving myself enough time for God....definately not. I am not asking him to help me through this enough, I am definately not 'still' often enough. I want to begin spending time alone or alteast with the non talker of my family, outdoors..close to God and his amazing world.
I am supposed to identify where my 'foxhole of faith' is...the place I go to 'be still' with God. I have always felt him close to nature, especially water....rivers, lakes, waterfalls. Now living in Monkton might provide a challenge to spend atleast 10 minutes a day to be still with God in this environment but spending 10 minutes away, by myself (or with Cameron) to simply BE....to speak to God, to marvel in his wonders, to ask him to help me and to appreciate all that he has given me this I think I can do.

And wow, not a long devotion at all!!!