When I began this project I looked ahead to what theme we had for this week, the week where the anniversary of my life being changed forever fell, the anniversary of the worst day of my life. I thought of the four themes and thought of how I could write about each of them in this emotion charged week.
If it was the week of Hope I could write about the hope we had at Mt. Sinai. The hope an amazing medical team can bring. I could write about the song "With Hope" that I shared...because although I wasn't filled with hope that fated day, I learned that I could say goodbye with Hope, it was o.k. Or I could simply write about the hope that having a child in Heaven gives you....the motivation to be all Christ asks you to be to ensure salvation. The hope I had that I would see my son again.
Or maybe it would be the week of love. Writing about love on the week we relive those days would be easy for I knew of a love so intense and powerful then. The love I felt and still feel for Dr. Ryan and his team. The love I felt for my parents who dropped everything they were doing to come to Toronto to be with me. Or the love I had for my husband, for all he was then, all he showed me emotionally and all he held back. I could write about the outpouring of love that we received in the days and months the followed those first days. And most of all, I could write about the love I had for each of my twins and for what I've learned about love from a little boy who never took his first breath.
Or perhaps it would be the week of peace and I could write about the ways I found peace, even in just a small amount then or the ways I've found peace since then. Or even about some of the things that brought me peace then and now.
But Joy, now that would be a tough one.
How could I write about joy as I remember how dark that time was. How can I write about joy in a week that has so little joy in it. Last year at this time I wrote in this blog about how, maybe one day, I'd find joy in this day... "I hate this day and I am not sure I will ever NOT hate this day. I am very certain that in time this day will have joyful memories...of things we do, of things the boys do or say. But right now it just SUCKS!!! ... "I know that in time there will be happier thoughts of this day and that I will be able to cope better with it. I have hope...I didn't lose it that day or in the days that followed. I know that Cole is in an amazing place and that he is the lucky one. He will never live with stress, with illness, with pain, with heartache. I know he lives with loss, I know that he misses us all. But he has God and Jesus to comfort him and he is very aware of what the reasons are for him to be there and us to be here. And as life continues on and I can see those reasons more clearly I am sure that it will be easier for me too. But for now, for today, I am going to cry, I am going to feel a heart wrenching sadness, I am going to wish that life was different. It's just where I am, it's just who I am.
I wondered when I started this project how on earth I'd write about joy this week, how I'd find joy this week. I even said to Geoff that I wished this wasn't the week of joy, that it would be so much easier if it wasn't. But instead of agreeing with me, Geoff said that maybe this was the point, that God had brought it to me...that our angel day falls during the week of joy on the year I take this project on so that I will be forced to reflect on the hardest of the four for that week.
So I guess we'll see how I do.
Incidentally, today marks the beginning of this three day journey down memory lane that began with an ultrasound, an immediate rush trip to Toronto and four words that changed my life forever. Today I remember my naive optimism.