I don't think I am able to move ahead in this devotional business yet. Lately I seem to be overwhelmed with tears. My friend Julie just celebrated her 2nd angelversary and it made me remember the days surrounding the diagnosis and loss of Cole. I just can't believe how much it hurts when I think of him and all that our family has lost. I think of all the plans I had and I think of all the times I watched my two babes on the ultrasounds.
Right now I am planning for our Christmas pictures and know that back a year ago it was a real focus of mine...how would I get all the pics done that we needed but more importantly what would they wear.
Why did we get chosen for this journey God? Why does my son have to grow up without his twin? If TTTS is so rare then why did it have to be me that it happened to?
Yesterday my mom was telling me about someone she went to highschool with who's children have had 11 pregancies between them and only 1 live baby to enjoy. She said 'I thought back to all we went through last winter with you and realized that there are people who have it so much worse....and that we could have had it so much worse and came so close'. I know she says it to comfort, many people say this to me. I say it to me and I know it's true....many other TTTS famlies that I've met online have lost both their babes in the last month or so. I KNOW we are lucky, I GET THAT!!! But I still ache for my son, I still long to see his face, smell his baby smell, feel his heart beating and enjoy the moments of love and adoration that I have with Cameron.
This week I talked to Theresa, the minister we love dearly....also the mom of twins who were born so very early and journeyed a long and trying journey in the NICU. We were talking about doing everything right and knowing there was no blame on our parts. Then we spoke about how having answers about the medical 'stuff' helps. We know that Cole had a poor cord insertion and very poor placental share...that if he'd survived TTTS he wouldn't have likely survived the growth issues and would have been born super early or died later on anyway. We know that the doctor did, for the most part, all the scans he needed to do and all the checking they should have been done. He should have sent me to a higher level OB but it wouldn't have made a difference. And so that means there was no blame on the parts of any medical professionals. And then that means that the blame lies with.....yup you got it God. He made the decision, he controlled how my placenta formed, he controlled when the fluids became an issue and ultimately he controlled Cole's life and his death. God also controlled Cameron's life and kept him from dying.
And so for now I will try so hard not to be angry, not to blame and to forgive. I will try to move ahead and rejoice in the gifts God has given me....it just might take some time. And while I do it I'll just hold that little miracle that he blessed me with a wee bit tighter!!!