Monday, November 9, 2009

Sudden Moments and Devotion #20...the Gift of Forgivness

I am having a craptastic day today and thought I'd vent here.
Today after Cameron's nap I was snuggling in the chair with him when he looked up and grinned this huge grin, laughed and put his hands against my face and squeezed. Suddenly I was hit with this moment of intense sadness and it just won't go away. I have never been able to picture my life with two babies, never been able to imagine what it would have been like to actually meet Cole before his heart stopped beating. And suddenly there I was with this overwhelming feeling of love for Cameron and I could imagine feeling that for both of them, imagine both of them on my lap smiling and hugging me. I am crying so hard right now and it's been so long since this intense feeling of grief has hit me. Part of my problem right now is that I have gone back to the 'what if's' again. I did such a good job of researching TTTS and SIUGR and got all my reports so I could understand what happened. I KNOW that the chances of Cole surviving with all that was stacked against him weren't good. I KNOW that the laser surgery is what SAVED Cameron. But suddenly I wonder (okay not suddenly but after reading another mom's posting on a facebook group about her baby having 10% share and surgery not being an option they were willing to take as it meant certain death for that twin) What if we didn't do the surgery? What if we just did amnioreductions to get us through a few more weeks till they were strong enough to be born. We only needed 100-150 more grams for them to be viable. That's likely a week, two at tops. What if we'd done that??? Damn it, why does it have to hurt so much???

I have been putting off blogging the devotions for awhile...part of it is that I don't feel as connected to the book as I once did...I think I am just not the 'right type of Christian' for this book. It seems to be for people who are so more devote than I am, so much more willing to accept Jesus as their saviour and devote their lives to him than I have been. I feel a bit like a failure and poor Christian when I read the devotions and wonder if I'll ever get to where I need to be.
The other reason is pretty clear when you read what I wrote above...I am just not ready to move on to some of the places I need to get to yet. Somedays are just so very hard, today is one of the worst ones I have had in a long time. I miss Cole so very much and want so very much for this life to be different.
But this devotion does ring true for me in part. It asks if you feel you need to ask forgiveness from your child that you lost....and I really feel like I do. I need Cole to forgive me for not asking the right questions, doing the right research, getting the right doctors and most of all for not being filled to the brim with outward joy at the news I was carrying twins. I need him to give me that gift. I am pretty sure he can do that, because he knows why he left before we got to meet him, he knows what God's plan is.
As for the gift from God of eternal life and his forgiveness by believing in Jesus? Well, I know I believe, I know love God and all that he's given me. I know that I am being all the Christian I can be right now and I'm pretty sure it's the gift God wants me to have right now...and that when it's time for that gift to be bigger, to fill my life fuller and for me to understand more and more what God has in store for me, He will make it clearer.
Until then I need to grieve and cry, to love and laugh and to cherish each and every moment I have with all of my children...even the moments of sadness that are Cole's moments when he shows me loves me.

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