"We all need 'Kleenex and Candle' friends when we suffer a loss. Compassionate companions who give us permission to cry and offer a kleenex or their tears. When the darkness of discouragement comes they encircle us. Our heroes of hope light the way to brighter tomorrows and to the One who is truth and our eternal encouragement. And at the right season, we can pass on what we have received to other....a Kleenex and a candle" Kathe Wunnenberg
Devotion #21 - Who Do You Say I am?
I have become so lax in my blogging. I am not sure if that means I don't 'need' this blog as much or if I am just so messed up lately that I can't bring myself to write here....I am thinking the later though the first one seems a healthier reason!
I feel like I am so up and down lately. On Sunday I wanted to write because I was so down and had so many thoughts going through my head....but I ran out of time in the day and now the feelings are as intense...but here is what lead to them.
It began with the feeling of loneliness after a fairly unsuccessful holiday/birthday party that we had on the weekend. I felt like I just had no friends and that no one really cares. It's funny when I look back to when this journey began and people told me all the time how brave I was, how in awe they were of me and how they looked up to me. I had so many people praying for us, emailing me all the time, writing on our caring bridge blog etc. But as time goes on those people seem to disappear from my life, I guess I no longer attract the attention and pity of others. It is a very lonely feeling. It makes me realize even more so that people just don't get it... they don't understand that although we lost Cole almost a year ago (I can't believe I have to deal with that too) and the stress and strain of all that was the remainder of the pregnancy ended last February with the arrival of our boys...it doesn't end for me there. It will NEVER end for me, Cole will forever be a part of my life and a part of my heart. I can't MOVE on, I don't want to MOVE on...I want to cope, to learn to live without him but it's not moving on...just coping along.
I was also (well am also) reading an Amish Christian fiction book that had a strong focus in the section I was reading on Sunday about God's will and learning to accept that things are God's will.
I think I have accepted that becoming pregnant with twins was God's will. I have accepted that our twins getting the rare and fatal disease TTTS was God's will. I have accepted that losing Cole and keeping Cameron was God's will. I am finding it hard to accept that losing the ability to connect with those that I considered friends is God's will. And guess what...I am pretty sure it's not. I am pretty certain that God brought this situation to our lives and to our friends lives to bring us the opportunity to build stronger relationships and those that aren't up for the challenge...well I am not going to go there.
But although it was God's will to take Cole it seems to be the frame of mind of so many to think that only that it was God's will to make Cameron safe, to focus on the positives that came out of our journey. Why can't they see that there are negatives too that are God's will too? I can see that, I can accept that and I am the one who probably hurts the most because of it. I know that God doesn't only give us what we want, doesn't only give us an easy life. If he did than how would be build strength and character, how would be understand the trials that Jesus endured for us? Why is that people can't talk about the sadness, the despair and the loss with me? Why does it have to be so hard to say to me "I am so sorry that God took your son from you and that you are hurting so but I know that it is his will and that someday we will all understand why it happened. Until then I am here for you, I will hold you and cry with you...I will give you my kleenex and I will be here for you always".
The devotion today is about preparing yourself for the situations that you may face regarding your loss. "How many children do you have?" or often for me "How many boys do you have?". How we answer that depends on our moods but most days I am pretty brutally honest. I don't really care how uncomfortable it makes people...I want to honour my son and I want to include him everywhere in my life. I want everyone to know how awesome it is to be the mom of twins and how special Cameron is to be a twin. And if I don't answer them honestly then I can be sure my kids will do it for me...and then everyone is left feeling uncomfortable.
My loss has changed me forever. I no longer feel confident in what I think is my journey of life. I don't know where I am going or even where I've come from at times. I don't know who my friends are anymore...well that's not true. I know, for certain, who the true friends are. I know that they are the ones who talk to me about Cole and let me vent without reminding me how lucky I am that Cameron is still alive. But I don't know if I should give up on those that can't seem to support me, I don't know how to support them either.
What I do know is that I appreciate life so much more now. I know that God has given me 4 perfect gifts, little miracles to love. I know that I am meant to do big things...just not sure what they are. I feel very compelled to do something for others who suffer like we have, others affected by TTTS, others sent to Toronto to Dr. Ryan and even to other TTTS specialists in the world. I know that God has given me the gift of the gab (as my family says) for a reason...I am blessed with the ability to write well and I want to use this gift.
I don't if I am ready to share my love for God and the insights I have about our journey with everyone. Not because I am afraid to be a 'public Christian' but rather because I am not sure what I feel and what I want to do with it. I do tell everyone that there are a great many things this side of Heaven that we are not meant to understand but that we had better do as much as we can to ensure we get There.
And as I gear up for the next 13 days...days where tears will come so easily as I remember all that happened last year at this time, days where I don't want to go anywhere and when I can't hold Cameron tight enough, or days when seeing Cameron just makes me sob and sob....I know that I will get through this because I am a child of God and He will see me through this. His love will surround and protect me. His love will NOT stop it from hurting, it will NOT make it go away, it will NOT erase what happened. But it WILL make it easier and He WILL provide me with people in my life to help me get through it. This much I am sure!