Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Holiday Wish

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Rascal Flatts

This is a song that is on my other blog...the place a post all my pics of my boys and our family...a place of joy. This song has been stuck in my head for days and I thought it was because I had wishes for Cole that just didn't happen but then I sat and really listened (okay admittedly I looked up the words online) and realized that maybe, just maybe, this was Cole speaking to me. I am sure that he wishes this for his mommy just as his mommy wishes this for his brothers. I'd say I wish it for him too...and I do...but I'm just not sure that I feel like he got the better end of the deal yet. I know I need to feel that way...that I need to understand and appreciate that where Cole is, in Heaven, is so much better than being here with us. But I'm not sure I can feel that way all the time... I just miss him and wish he was here too much. The last few days have been filled with wishful moments. I wanted to have two babies on my knee while we opened presents, I wanted to open a present from my son and hug him to thank him for it instead of tearing up and wishing I could.
This is the present the Cole (with daddy's help) gave me....so very fitting.

And this is the message I had for Cole for this our first Christmas without him
Merry Christmas my sweet son, this first one without you is so hard. I miss you so very much. The ornament that Daddy helped you to give to me is so very perfect. I will always have your heart and you will always have mine. Enjoy this special day in Heaven...it is a season of Miracles and your twin brother Cameron shows me each and every day just what a miracle is!

I was so inspired to make things better before Christmas and though I still want to I am having a hard time today with this. I don't see why people think they have the right to tell me, even carefully, that they think I should move on, not be so public with my grief, not let my grief affect my other kids or really even accept that others don't know what to say. I know that I am doing the best I can and I am getting better. Tough days, seasons and times will happen. I have to embrace them. Someone, pretty sure it was another one of my wonderful cousins (thanks Deb) said many months ago that the moments that catch me up, the twin moments especially, the really hard moments....those are the times when Cole is showing himself to me most, when he is saying hello and telling me he misses me too.
So I've decided I have to embrace these crappy times and not push myself to be someone or somewhere that I am not. I'll make it through this, I know I will. I will find the focus I need to move within this grief and use the energy I have for it to be positive and pro-active. I have the plan in mind, I have the idea and the focus...I just need to keep working to ensure I find the right fit for my energy.
Thanks for reading, thanks for supporting me, thanks for being my friend!

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