Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Time for a change

Today I awoke in awe of the beautiful day outside...the snow on the trees and houses lightens my heart and inspires me to make this a wonderful next few days. I can't change what happened or how people treat me, I can only change myself and the way I treat the world.
I thought of Cole first thing when I saw the snow and know it was a message from him and HIM...God knows I need to see the world brighter, clearer and filled with the good He gave us. I have been very down for days and after a message on facebook yesterday that I posted about asking others to remember that I am not the person I used to be nor will I ever be again I received a message from my cousin Roxanne.
She reminded me that although I am sad and lost right now I have 3 boys who aren't...they need me here and they don't really get that sadness takes over. She lost her sister when she was around 15 and she spoke to me about what loss of sibling can do to you and your family. It made me realize that I need to be here for the whole family, not just for Cole.
And from that I realized that a lot of times I am being just plain selfish. I post sad things on facebook because I don't want anyone to forget Cole or the journey we've taken. I don't want others to forget because I know I never will so why should they. But that is selfish as is the attention I get because of my public grief. God didn't put me in this situation to see how much attention I can get. Remembering my son through sadness and attention isn't right, healthy or the way He intended it to be. Remembering him by honoring him, by raising awareness of TTTS and identical twin pregnancy issues, by raising funds for Mt. Sinai and research and support...those are all ways I can remember and praise Cole for being my wonderful son.
I am going to try very hard not to post things that are hard to read, evoke pity or sadness. It is time to show the world the wonderful things Cole brought to our lives and to put the energy I put into grieving into something more positive.
I want this, I need this....and I promise I WILL do this!!!

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