So then I moved into forgiving myself...another hard thing to do but once I realized (and remembered) that the guilt I was feeling was really surrounding my reactions to our news of twins and not really how I felt about their upcoming arrival....that I used the stress of it all as a way to prepare and ensure that we were ready and that I really was overjoyed at the news that I was carrying twins....I was able to move ahead and forgive myself..
And so the next chapter in the book was about forgiving God. It reminded me of how I felt and what I wrote on the chapter on being angry with God. I really truly thought I wasn't angry with him when Cole died. And even when I wrote the devotion on being angry with him I wasn't as angry as I was confused. Now I am supposed to write about what I haven't forgiven God for...and I thought this would be easy. But I wept and wept as I wrote and wept and wept as I read it outloud. And I realize I am so very angry at God and don't know how to forgive him for taking my son from me.
From the book Grieving the Child I never knew - "The concept of 'forgiving God' makes me feel uneasy. Yet anger and bitterness toward God are far more common than most would like to admit. If we are honest about our anger toward God and admit how we feel that God has let us down or has been unfair; then we can begin to heal."
And for me, it's not about forgiving God because I believe that is keeping me from a closer relationship with him...I'm not sure I am at that place yet as a Christian. For me, forgiving God is more about moving forward in healing....being able to cope with the pain and loss and seeing the positives in everything that has happened.
The book tells a story of a young woman who lost a baby and had a friend who gave her a helium balloon and a marker. She wrote all of her hurts, her disappointments, her anger and all that she blamed God for and then released it to heaven as a way to sooth her soul. I didn't have a balloon nor did I want to release my feelings towards God this way as eventually that balloon will come down and who knows who will find it.
Instead I wrote a letter and read it to God in Cole's garden
You let me down. You didn’t save Cole when you could have. You could have stopped TTTS from happening to my boys but you didn’t. You could have made the placenta perfect so that no growth issues would have happened but you didn’t. You didn’t have to separate my boys forever, you didn’t need another angel in Heaven. You took my baby from me before I could ever enjoy seeing him and feeling his soft sweet skin. You allowed me no time to be his mommy and to be the mommy of living twins. You did this to me and I have no idea why.
You could have intervened and allowed Geoff and I to have time with both our boys and have moments to hold them together. You could have given me courage, peace and strength to hold, touch and kiss Cole.
You could have allowed me to enjoy the pregnancy with my twins and eased my mind about my stresses but that didn’t happen.
If all these horrible things had to happen than the least that could have happened was for me to remain here at home with my other kids until it was time for Cameron to arrive….but that didn’t happen either.
I am so damn angry sometimes, I want to move on but really I just want it all to start over again. I hurt and I ache and I want my baby here with me. It’s been months since he died, months since I last saw him and yet it feels like just yesterday that I heard those fated words.
Take this anger and this blame…I offer it up to you and ask that you forgive me for feeling this way. Help me to release to You my unmet expectations so that I can continue to heal.
Then I burnt the paper....
And blew the ashes up in the air. They swirled around me and then scattered....some floating away to heaven and others falling gently around me in Cole's beautiful garden.
I can only hope that God can forgive me for thinking that I need to forgive him....he doesn't need forgiveness because he didn't do anything wrong...no matter how hard it is for me to accept that Cole is gone and was never meant to be a part of our lives here on earth except as the angel he is, God is all poweful and knowing and has a reason and a time for everything. I don't think it will be as easy to move on as this...just scattering my feelings and releasing them to the wind. But hopefully I can begin to heal knowing that God understands how hard it is and is here for me whenever I need him.