I am teary already and I haven’t even started typing…as you can imagine, this is a very tough point in this journey of healing and faith. Admitting that I need to forgive myself before I can move on is tough….well maybe I should reword this to say that allowing myself to forgive myself, to let go of the anger and guilt is very hard. Sometimes I think it is easier to just feel this awful then to push myself to move on.
I have never blamed myself for the loss of Cole in the medical sense. There was nothing I could have done to prevent TTTS from robbing me of the ‘perfect twin pregnancy’…I did everything right and was healthier than I’d ever been with either of the big boys. But part of me has always felt like this happened to me because I didn’t want my twins enough….that I wasn’t joyful enough about their arrival, that I didn’t celebrate them enough and that when people congratulated me my most common response was ‘thanks I guess or I’m glad you are so excited because I’m not sure I am.’. I hate so much that I reacted that way. I hate that I can’t go back and take those reactions back. I hate so much that my children must have known how much their mommy wasn’t sure about being the mommy of twins. And yes, I do feel like maybe I caused this awfulness to happen to us by being this way. If only I had been happier, if only I been amazed at the miracle that was and is Cole and Cameron….if only I could have just been as excited as the people around me. I also feel tremendous guilt about how I felt about Cole after he passed away and after Cameron was born. I just was never really sure how he would have fit into our family, how we would have managed. I sort of felt…well feel still at times….that this was meant to be for those reasons not because God has bigger plans for Cole, for me and for our family.
Am I ready to forgive myself and move on. I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. Maybe part of me holds on to this guilt because it allows me keep grieving and being sad and in that keeps me holding on to Cole more. But that brings me back to things I said back when I started this blog…by not letting go, by wishing Cole was here and wanting to go back in time and change things then I am wishing for Cole to not be in Paradise and though I’d rather have Cole here, I know that his life is so great because he gets to go there sooner…none of the stresses, sadness, pain and trials of life will ever touch him.
My guilt, anger and self condemnation keeps me from God and things that keep us from God are ultimately sins. I need to forgive myself and ask God to forgive me for keeping myself from him. Am I ready for this…I hope so. I think by admitting it here that maybe it’s the first step to the end of this journey….and HUGE step forward.
God I feel so guilty for the way I felt in the early weeks after I learned of my twins existence. I often blame myself for the loss of Cole because I feel like I just didn’t want to be that twin mommy enough and wasn’t joyful enough about them. Although others try to comfort and console me, deep down inside I’m haunted by the thought that if I’d only been more excited about them, only been able to be only positive about their arrival then maybe I’d have them both here and wouldn’t have this label of being the mom of an angel and a survivor. I feel completely snowed in from my grief. My mound of self-condemnation is so high outside the door of my heart that I feel as if I’ll never be able to dig out. Help me God. Enable me to forgive myself. Dig through the snowdrift of my guilt and melt away my blame. You are the One who has the power to set me free.
Friends – if ever there was a time during this journey of grief and healing that I need your prayers, now would be it. I am really struggling right now as I admit what holds me back and try so hard to forgive myself and learn to not feel guilty. I have a feeling it’s going to take awhile to move forward from here and am not sure I’ll be able to do devotions for a bit as I work through the feelings evoked from this one. Thanks for your support, your love and your prayers.