It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted…or atleast it feels that way to me. The next two devotions are about forgiveness and how that can get in the way of your healing. It is so hard for me to admit that my unwillingness to forgive some people about how they’ve dealt with our loss is keeping me from moving forward in my healing journey and keeping me from being closer to God.
I remember talking to a doctor at my 6 week check up about post partum depression…I mean lets be honest, I’m a pretty good candidate for it this time around you’d think. She said to me “well you seem to be doing very well, I’m not concerned about you at all. You are dealing with it all, talking about it and you look good”. My thought…boy I was fooling her. And I think I do that a lot. Sometimes I think people must think I am the most casual person when it comes to sweet angel boy. And then others seem to think I should be moving forward faster, focusing on the gift of Cameron more and not dwelling on the loss of Cole and what could have been.
But no one really knows what goes on in my head….including me. And when I ask God to help me, to guild me to see what is holding me back I know that one of the things that holds me back is ‘unforgiveness’.
I know I have come very far in this journey of forgiving. At the start the person who I’ve had the hardest time forgiving was the person I talked about the most. I was so very angry with him for making me feel like my loss wasn’t of any value and with his unwillingness to share our sad news with some people who were important to me. I told everyone about what he’d said and done and everyone agreed with me…the guy was an ass and the most insensitive jerk they’d ever heard about. The grief therapist we saw in December told me to write him a letter to tell him how I felt…but of course not to send it. It helped and I moved on somewhat but I never forgave him and even now it is so very hard to do this. But I realize, especially after speaking to someone this week about where his life has gone since I last saw him, that he is hurting so much and suffering enough already without me hanging any more guilt on to him. He has some pretty serious issues of his own and I’m sure those relate to why he treated me, my loss and my family the way he did. He is not where he wants to be in his life and not where he wants to be with God either I don’t think. By not forgiving him I am keeping myself from moving on but worse than that by being angry with him and holding him accountable for what he said and did I am putting more stress on someone who needs my prayers not my anger. And so there it is…I forgive you S.P….you deserve this and so do I. I pray for you that you will see how your actions have hurt others and that you will be able to find the help and support you need.
I also need to forgive those who I felt so ‘forgotten’ by when all of this happened to us. There were so many wonderful people who supported us through our entire journey and continue to support me…I hear from some them every week or two…they are so truly amazing. And unfortunately there are also those who just weren’t there for me, those who I was so certain would come to see me and call me often when I was in London and that just didn’t happen. I do not know if I’ll ever know why this happened but it did make me realize that we all change and grow as we get older and our friends change too. Sometimes it’s just time to let go of some friendships and learn to treasure new ones. So I forgive those who I felt so forgotten by, who I felt so unsupported by. It doesn’t matter anymore and it’s time to move forward.
The other area of unforgiveness lies with my doctor and isn’t too significant anymore though I think it was a few months ago. I know that he did what he thought was enough…enough ultrasounds, enough check ups. There really was no way to know what was happening within my body, within my placenta. Cole hid his complications and pain from us for good reasons and there really was no reason for my doctor to send me for better scans. I forgive him for missing the problems with Cole because I know that it was meant to happen the way it did.
And last but not least, I forgive all of those people who’ve said the unkind words that minimize our loss, those who just can’t understand that Cole is forever part of my heart and telling me that it was for the best isn’t EVER going to make me feel better. I forgive them in Jesus’ words “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing”.
God help me to forgive these people and others in my life who upset me with their actions, words and lack of support. It is not my right to pass judgment on anyone nor is it my right to blame. Help me release my blame and move forward. Release me from my anger and fill me with Your love and forgiveness so I can continue my healing journey.