I have been reading and posting on various websites lately that support babes with issues related to being identical twins. I am having such a craptastic time of it lately as I read about all of these babies that survive after such tremendous struggles. My heart aches for Cole and I want to be one of the lucky ones...why can't we be a miracle case with two survivors!!!
I've spent most of this week soul searching about my guilt and trying to forgive myself and I realized that maybe I am a whole lot closer to that then I thought I was. I wrote this in my letter to the boys on the anniversary of the day I learned I was expecting twins
"I have so often wrote about the guilt I have felt about not being excited about having twins. but when I look back I realize I was excited but I was also realistic. By being realistic and worrying about the things that were going to be hard I was beginning, early, to solve the problems we might have before they arrived. It seemed to me like I wasn’t enjoying my twin pregnancy when I first looked back at it but the more I think about it the more I realize and remember how much I marveled at all things ‘twin’. It was the most special time of my life and for as much as I wasn’t jumping up and down and showing overt excitement I know that I was so very happy, so excited and so eager to meet you both."
All it took was for me to reread this to remember, to think about the joy and wonderment that I felt when I learned about Cole and Cameron and how much excitement there was in being the mommy of twins.....oh how I wanted it even though it scared me so!!!
Which then tells me that although I've forgiven myself and don't feel the same guilt I thought I was feeling I am now grieving all over again. Doesn't seem fair does it. Why can't I be that twin mommy, why didn't we get to be the lucky ones? I don't even have to ask why it hurts so much because I know why...because I didn't get to meet my son, didn't get to hold him in my arms and caress his skin, have him snuggle up to me like his brother does, smell his baby essence and hold him like I'll never let go. It hurts because it's a loss that never goes away, a place of what ifs that never get answered and an emptiness that never gets filled completely. Life isn't meant to be fair or easy and in knowing this I know that I could let this emptiness consume me but what does that prove. How does that honour this special boy who's forever touched our hearts, who's kicks I felt in my womb, who heartbeat I heart so strongly and who loved me just as much as I loved him. And how does shutting down and letting it consume me show any respect for the little boy who survived and beat the odds? Or his big brothers who are such little miracles in their own rights?
And so, the tears are dried up....for now. I will try my best to not look at those survivors with such a jealous heart and try to remember how wonderful my life truly is!
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