A final homecoming...and what I've learned from it

As most of you know, I have a great many online friends who have gone through or are going through the struggles of TTTS. I met a new friend this past winter as she struggled to make decisions and choices. Like Cole, one of her little girls had a velementous cord insertion and a poor placental share. She hoped she would be a candidate for surgery though she was very scared of what that meant. She did have the surgery and like us, learned the next day that one of her sweet babes had gone to be with Jesus. She never referred to her as an angel though she did often say that she knew she was watching over her sister. Like me, she believed that her heavenly baby had lived just long enough to ensure that her sister survived.
Fast forward the story about 8-10 weeks when my friend’s water broke and she was hospitalized and began the regiment that all who have a premature rupture of their membranes go through…steroid shots for the lungs and antibiotics to prevent infection. All seemed well and it seemed that her little survivor would remain in utero, like Cameron, for many weeks to come. But then about 7 days or so after her water broke her little survivor arrived…at 28 weeks gestation.
She seemed to be doing well initially but then began to struggle so she was transferred to another larger hospital. She continued to struggle to clear the carbon dioxide from her body but everything else with her seemed to be going well. After a few procedures and surgeries on both her heart and her trachea it seemed that this little survivor’s battles were behind her.
And then last week we got a message from her mom that she was very sick with an infection and they had been called in to the hospital to be with her…. I assumed, just to give her comfort. I was shocked to learn the next day that her sweet little survivor’s journey was over. She’d gone to be with Jesus. I admit…I sobbed so hard I had to sit for a long time to get it all together. And I still feel that way at times. Their story is so similar to ours…and could so easily have been our outcome if Cameron had been born when my water broke at 26 weeks.
I went to her blog yesterday and read this….

We thought our homecoming would be a wonderful ending to a long a difficult road, but it would just have been continuing the race that is life on this earth for our girl. Instead, she's already won the race and received the prize. B's homecoming was the final homecoming - the one where she gets to live in the mansions and walk on streets of gold and worship at the throne of God and see him face to face.

I cried harder and marveled at her strength. I didn’t think I could ever be that strong. Later that day I read this posting from her too…

The temptation during a time like this is to ask why? Why did this happen? Why did God do this? Why me? The fact is, this is life on this imperfect earth. Many people before us have gone through similar tragedies and worse, and many people after us will go through them. The better question is why not me?

This is where the rubber of our faith meets the road of life. Sure, it is unbelievably painful. We feel weak. We are beside ourselves. We are undone. How could she have pulled through heart surgery only to be taken by a fluke infection? There are many questions. But these things did not surprise our God. He is, and always has been, in control of this situation. He is good, he loves us, and he has not abandoned us. If we are to have free will, we have to live with sin and death and suffering on this earth - but only for a while. A day will come when "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain."We are anxious for that day to come soon.

This time I cried with tears of joy and inspiration. I wrote to her and told her that I was inspired by her to strengthen my relationship with Christ so that I, too, could feel so at peace about the trials of life and of death itself.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be at this level of peace and confidence…I can only hope. I know that I can’t wait to go to Heaven to see Cole…and all the others who have been so blessed to go before me. I know that I will always have sad moments when it comes to the loss of loved ones but my friend has truly planted a seed in me.

Sweet Baby B…thank you so much for blessing your family for your 6 short weeks here with your Mommy and Daddy and brothers and for the joyful (and I know stressful too) 28 weeks inside your mommy's womb with your dear sweet sister, Baby F. Thank you for bringing such strength and hope to many. Thank you for teaching me some valuable lessons. I am so glad you were able to hold your mommy’s hand as you left this world…not to get comfort and strength from her but rather to give comfort and strength to her. Much love little one, say hello to Cole for me…I’m sure he met you at the gates with open arms and will show you all the coolest places that he has found.

Contentment

Another long time between postings...I know. There's been a lot going on around me lately and sometimes I desperately want to write about it and ask for the support of my friends who read this and other times I just can't bring myself to share it with the world. It's amazing how public our lives can be...amazing how okay we are with some of that and not okay with others. This much I will say, my family could use your prayers right now as we struggle to find our way right now. Many tough things have been happening but also many wonderful things too and I think that maybe the most wonderful thing that has happened yet is beginning and will continue to happen. We've been asking God for a lot of guidance, support and love lately and opening ourselves up, together, for this and I think we are feeling and seeing the amazing way He can touch people first hand.
Last night I was reading one of my Amish Christian fiction novels..A Stranger's Wish by Gayle Roper. I was struck by something the authorwrote and felt so compelled to share it with everyone and to reflect upon it. It was about contentment....true contentment and about what we deserve...and what the reality is or how we cope with that.
Learning contentment is often coming to the realization that some circumstances are changeable and some aren't. Contentment is partially found in learning to tell the difference.
We must ask ourselves this: Can I choose to change my circumstances or are they beyond my ability to change? If I am unhappy with my car, I may be able to buy a new one. I can choose to change my situation. If I am unhappy with my children, I can't trade them in. I cannot deny the genetic strands hidden in their bodies.
I realize these are extreme examples, but the principle holds: Some situations are changeable; some are not.
"But I deserve better," you say.I deserve a better home/house, decent neighbours, a church that feeds me, to be understood. When what you have and what you deserve aren't a match, your response to this less-than-perfect situation is your choice. You can be hurt and bitter. You can withdraw. You can become sharp of tongue and manner. Or you can give up the need to get what you deserve.
I just really found that this begged me to read and reread it. So many areas of so many peoples lives seem to be filled with a lack of contentment and a desire to have that they feel they deserve. The obvious examples are those materialistic things we seem to want even if the budget isn't there or the need really doesn't exist. I know I've justified purchases with the the thoughts or words 'think how much happier we'll be or how easier it will make things.
But that's not really what spoke to me here...and not really what the author was truly talking about though I'm very certain it does tie in. That kind if contentment requires change if financial status and if you believe many business motivational speakers, we all have the ability to become financially content. But do we deserve it... do the judgements of others make us more content than the judgements of a good and loving God???
And what about the ability to change your circumstance to increase your contentment. How many people do you know that believe they can change someone... mostly a partner or sometimes a child or friend. It is so hard to learn that we can change ourselves to increase our contentment but we can't change others. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we want change...it's up to us. And sometimes it just can't be changed... sometimes it is beyond our control.
I think this could be said for anyone who has gone through a personal crisis, a loss, a tragedy. You want to change your circumstances, you want to erase what has happened and start over, you wish you had that choice. But the reality is that you much of what happens to us everyday day is beyone our ability to change. What is not, should it make us unhappy, is up to us to change...not others, not the money fairy, not your neighbours, your church, your family...it's up to you.
And what can't be changed..what then. How do you cope with the reality that this is your life, this is the way it's meant to be? When it is beyond your ability to change it then what do you do. So many people get bitter and angry. They tell everyone how unjust things are. They ask why this had to happen and they blame God. They are unable to forgive those that they feel wronged them or caused this to
happen...unable to forgive those who can't change. Or they disappear...they go inside themselves and shut themselves off. And many times it seems to be so much easier to complain, to be negative and to be cynical rather than to accept that this is your life, this is what will make you content in time and this is the life God meant for you.
True happiness and contentment is in our control if we can only realize that our acceptance of the things we can't change is really all that keeps us from it. Life is not about what you have, who you know, where you've been or where you go here on earth. Its about the journey you take along the way and your responses to the good, the bad, the things that are given to you and the the things that are taken away.
May God grant us the serenity to accept the things we can not change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference so that true contentment is something we all will know.

Anger...a powerful thing...

I’ve been away from my blog for way to long. No real excuses except that life has got in the way and things have been pretty stressful in my life lately. Sometimes I share this stuff and sometimes I don’t…this is one of those don’ts though I know that many who read my blog might be aware of some of the things that have been going on.
I think one of the things I’ve been feeling lately is anger and frustration but more than that I’ve also been dealing with being on the receiving end of anger. In the last few days I’ve also been reading many posts from others on facebook about their anger and it’s lead me to think, to research and to write.
For me, a passive optimist… passive because inwardly I am not always so optimistic but on the outside most see me this way, I don’t let anger control me. I try to control it and unfortunately I also try to control the anger of others… A LOT! It’s not working so well… maybe a new strategy is needed???
I have a short fuse at times… have always been this way. Usually I get angry, I speak my mind and then feel that release. If I don’t do this I usually end up stewing for hours, unable to move forward, unable to forgive and forget. I plan what I’ll say the next day, plan how I’ll defend myself or let the other person know how their actions made me feel. I obsess on it and can hardly sleep. And usually I let it go after a short period…not entirely, it sits waiting to rear it’s ugly head sometimes but for the most part I move on.
But not everyone is like that. Someone close to me once told me that it’s great that I can be the way I am, great that I can blow, release, forgive and be happy all within minutes but he can’t…and it’s hard to deal with. I have such a hard time being around moody people or those who I know are angry with me. I want to fix everything, want the world to be happy and peaceful. It’s not a bad way to be but it’s not for everyone and can be pretty intrusive to those who don’t want to deal with it that way. Their way of stewing, mooding, being silent or spreading their anger around isn’t maybe the best for them but it helps them to come to grips with what has happened, helps them to find solutions.
Finding the root of anger is one of the hardest parts of a relationship..no matter who that relationship is with. I have had an epiphany lately about something that causes me to get angry over and over again and it was great to finally see that. Unfortunately it will be a long road to recovery from this root but I’m working on it. Being overly disappointed in some things that have happened over and over again, being hugely disappointed in what is the reality is very hard to take, very hard to move forward from. Again…I’m working on it.
So with this new knowledge of anger in my mind and just the fact that anger has been a big part of life lately it was rather fateful that many TTTS mom’s have been posting about anger lately. So many are justifiably angry…and as so many of you know, I was (and am at times) too. I worked through some it a few months into this blog and few other times along the way.
In some of the research I came across and found this quote from On Death and Dying, by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She wrote that one reaction we humans have to loss is anger. She said Few people place themselves in the patient's position and wonder where this anger might come from. Maybe we too would be angry if all our life activities were interrupted so prematurely; if all the buildings we started were to go unfinished, to be completed by someone else; if we had put some hard-earned money aside to enjoy a few years of rest and enjoyment, for travel and hobbies, only to be confronted with the fact that [we are dying]. What else would we do with our anger but let it out on the people ... who rush busily around only to remind us that we cannot even stand on our two feet anymore.
Obviously this is written about someone who is dying but I think the loss of a child causes you to die inside and so many of those things you had planned for your life appear to be shattered…and really are in so many ways. And even those who’ve had drastic changes, set backs or personal losses (of a job, of a dream, of a relationship) are dying inside too.
The author of the article I found Dr. Kubler-Ross’s quote in wrote about the intense all consuming anger that some people have and how scary he finds it. His fear stems from fearing for his safety but also for his loss of control when he is angry and what he will say and do that he will regret later. Early humans needed anger the give them a surge in adrenalin that helped them to survive but modern civilization doesn’t have that same need and because of that most people work to manage their anger.
Dr. Kubler-Ross suggests that when it comes to big losses it can help a great deal if we listen to the anger of seriously ill persons. After interviews with many seriously ill persons she came to the conclusion that the small losses of our lives are the training ground where we learn the coping skills we use when we are faced with large losses. Put another way, according to this article, we tend to die the way we have lived. If we rely heavily on denial to help up cope with the small losses of life, we will tend to rely heavily on denial when we struggle to cope with the big losses. If we rely heavily on anger and indignation to cope with the small losses of our life, we are likely to depend on anger to get us through the big losses.
Wow….isn’t that a realization about how so many people deal with things. There are many people who do react with denial when things go wrong or when someone they know casually dies and they don’t really react at all. But I also know a great number of people who blow little things out of proportion and who get angry at the littlest things and can’t let go…remain so angry for so long. When a big upset happens, when a huge loss happens it’s catastrophic and throws their life completely off kilter. They get so angry, so bitter, so full of negativity and it is so hard to move past that…and so much damage can be done at that time.
After reading this article about grieving…after hearing what Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says on this topic, I realize I need to listen more and talk less. I need to be the compassionate friend more and not interject my life’s moments or compare my story. That’s not my job…my job is to listen.
I decided while I was on this topic I would do some more research…especially in how anger affects relationships (and you know I figured if I hadn’t written in a long time, maybe you’d like to read a novel LOL!!!)
What I’ve learned is something I’ve learned time again in courses I take for my job and in things I teach my students who are struggling with behaviour all the time… anger is a powerful, perfectly normal emotion that everyone feels at one time or another. Experts say that anger develops more often in the family in marriage and with children than in any other relationship. The second most common place for anger episodes… at work. Because of this, more people are injured by the violent acts of someone they live or work with than by strangers.
It is the most poorly handled emotion in society and you see it everywhere…
road rage on the roads, shouting matches and fights in the arena, violence at school and domestic abuse in homes. It is the source of many legal problems and the root of many health issues…headaches, high blood pressure and chronic pain. Science has just recently begun to recognize the contribution anger makes to these and other diseases. When coupled with workplace and family stress, unresolved anger can cause emotional, physical and spiritual health to suffer. This can lead the angry one to lash out at the nearest person.
But what so many people need to realize is that because anger can be controlled, it makes anger a choice. Anger is a learned response to a trigger in our environment. While some people may have a tendency to become angry, it's not okay to give in and simply say "That's just the way I am, and there's nothing I can do about it." Ultimately we are in charge of which behaviors we choose in response to the emotions we feel. How many times do we hear people say things like, "She/He made me angry."

That statement is inaccurate. No one is ever made to be angry. No one is forced against their will to lose their temper. Anger is a learned response to a provoking situation
And how does that all tie back into grief and loss (you knew I’d come back to this right???). As I see it, as I’ve lived it, as I’ve watched others live it I see how controlling anger can be in your life and how hard it is to just be…to just live, to love, to laugh, to remember what life was like before ‘IT’ happened. It’s not easy. I am still so pissed off at times that I have had this happen to me and to my family. I am angry that I missed out on being that twin mom, I am mad that Cameron won’t have his twin with him and I am still struggling with the changes that losing Cole has done to me…I want my old life back and yet I like the new me at times too. I know my family is forever changed because of Cole and for sure we have angrier moments and that anger has in turn affected all of us. But I’d be telling the hugest lie around if I said that we didn’t have anger issues before. Thankfully we are working at these issues and have some wonderful professionals helping us with this.
I read a lot of my past blog entries today and in reading these things I realize how far I have come. I realize that for so many reasons time really does help with coping. Unlike the saying, I don’t believe at all that it heals all thing, nor will time ever cause me to forget or to devalue. But it does help to make my heart feel more put together and not so broken and it helps me to accept and move forward. I have experienced the intense anger that grief and loss bring about and I have moved forward. A big step in that though was being able to forgive… others, myself and God.
I found this online about forgiveness and grief….

“Forgiveness is necessary here because few of us are perfect when it comes to this issue of loss and anger. Each of us can only do the best we can when it comes to expressing our angry grief. And we can only do the best we can when it comes to listening to the anger in others. We can always learn to do better, but most of us will fall short of perfection. So as we struggle to cope with the great losses that we face in this life, we need each other's forgiveness. “


Perhaps it’s time for many of us to evaluate who we are angry with, who we need to forgive and maybe then the first steps in healing can begin.

P.S. Yup…it’s a novel… I promise to write more often so there’s less to read!!!

Self-Preservation

Sometimes I wonder (okay often I wonder) why things happen the way they do and why I feel such intense emotions about things I see and hear. Recently I learned about an amazing miracle of multiples and began watching the blog of this family. Immediately upon reading the early posts of their blog I began to feel such intense feelings of 'caution'. I wanted to say to this family who was getting so prepared for their naturally conceived quads (two sets of identical twins) to wait, to not buy so much, not get so prepared...because you just never know what might happen. I hated that I felt this way, hated that I couldn't just be happy for this amazing miracle. From this I began to read other blogs of multiples who were connecting with this family as well. Most of them were larger order multiples...triplets, quads and even quints. I am a glutton for punishment I guess... because it did give me feelings of jealousy and even anger. I am sure this will happen for many years....I mean I couldn't even keep 2 babies alive and here are people who got to have 3, 4 and even 5 babies at the same time.
And so many of these blogs that I read began at the early stages of their pregnancy and so many of them were like the Masencups...preparing long before they even reached the end of their first trimester for their multiple babies. This led me to ponder why I didn't do this and all I could come up with is perhaps a subconscious self-preservation.
Self-preservation is behavior that ensures the survival of an organism. It is universal among living organisms. In some vertebrates, pain and fear are parts of this mechanism. Pain causes discomfort so that the organism is inclined to stop the pain. Fear causes the organism to seek safety and may cause a release of adrenaline, which has the effect of increased strength and heightened senses such as hearing, smell, and sight. Self-preservation may also be interpreted figuratively; in regard to the coping mechanisms one needs to prevent emotional trauma from distorting the mind
I wrote about some of this before on here when my FB friend, Carrie, the mom of two TTTS angels, posted pictures of tearing down her nursery and putting away all the twin clothes she had bought. I know that some of the reasons we had nothing prepared except our double stroller was that we didn’t know if we were having boys or girls and that is very likely why I hadn’t bought any clothes either….though really when I think back to that time in the fall of 2008 I do remember thinking I should/could buy some matching gender neutral outfits or some twin 1 and twin 2 shirts. I remember thinking I should get a few outfits before I got too big to be able to do it….but it just never happened. I know some of the reasons I told myself were financial… we didn’t have the money to buy new things for the twins and we also didn’t need too much in the way of ‘stuff’ because we had one of most things and so many friends offered up the second one to us. But I never got around to picking up any of those things.
At the time I looked at as a blessing as I didn’t have to ‘deal’ with any of that stuff but when I read Carry’s blog in October I was a bit, well envious seems like a horrible word but it kind of suits and, as I often have, I wished for those twin moments, those moments to think about the excitement, the wonderment of it all and the fascination I know that I had. But then when I read what the Masencups have now experienced I think, again, that I was glad I didn’t have to deal with it. I am so very sorry for their loss and am hoping that perhaps, at some point, they may connect with some of the amazing friends I have who have supported me so much and who understand how many mixed emotions exist when you lose a baby or babies in a multiple pregnancy, especially when you remain pregnant for weeks afterwards.
I think that so often in life we self-preserve. I could come up with all the reasons in the world at the time for why I wasn’t more ‘ready’ for the twins…. money, generosity of others, a firm sense that I would not go into labour early (a over-confidence, a naivety???) but in reality I think I was preparing myself to not be disappointed, hurt, emotionally traumatized. I think in so many ways we all do that. For those that make it past the crisis (in the case of many who read this, past the diagnosis and treatment for TTTS) it becomes very hard to prepare for the next stage no matter how joyful it should be. Even when it isn’t joy we are anticipating but rather just ‘calm’, ‘normal’ and ‘real’ it is just so hard sometimes to be positive or to feel 100% confident that everything is going to be okay.
Part of me will always wish I’d been less self-preserving and more spontaneous, part of me will always wish I’d written and journaled each step of the journey along the way, part of me will always wish I’d taken photos of my ever growing belly and a big part of me will always wish that I had a ‘twin gift’ from Mommy that I could save for Cameron and keep in memory of Cole. If wishes were fishes….
But then again I think that I did the best for me, the best I could, the thing that made sense, made it work and in all honesty, likely saved my sanity and my emotional stability back in December 2008. I don’t think self-preservation is a bad thing at all nor do I think the optimism that the mom of multiples, or even of singletons, feels and acts on is bad or wrong either. We all deal with things on the level that works for us and are left with the memories, the security and the comfort that is right for us.
Because what is self-preserving for some, what helps to protect them from feeling pain or fear, what keeps them from having their emotional trauma distort their mind may not be what another needs, wants, feels or even wishes upon anyone else on this earth. Coping is so personal...whether it's coping with preparation for joy or for sorrow. What matters is that we are here for those who need us in the moment when even their self-preservation undergoes a crisis.

Volunteer Heroes

I’ve been struggling for days to decide what to write regarding my feelings about the tragedy that struck our community last week. In all honesty, I’ve been struggling to even verbalize my feelings about it and it takes a lot to make me speechless. It is so hard to grasp a tragedy like this, so hard to comprehend.
For those who read my blog and aren’t from Ontario or haven’t heard about the devastating news, last Thursday, March 17th, I opened my facebook page just after supper the read repeated messages from people in my local area who were thinking and praying for the volunteer firemen who’d lost their lives. I searched local media sources to find out more info and quickly learned that a fire in my municipality had broke out at a store, 6 different fire detachments were battling the blaze and it had resulted in the unbelievable loss of two volunteer firemen from the area. I desperately began to search for what detachment these 2 men were from, thinking of those firefighters from our community who I knew were there… our friends, Dad’s of our kids friends, members of our church, coaches of our kids sports teams, neighbours and fellow Kin family members and hoping that it wasn’t one of these people, not one of the North Perth Firemen, though I knew it didn’t really matter. When I learned the men were from Listowel and Atwood my heart sank and when I learned that one of them was, indeed, someone I knew of from Kin, I could feel the sting of tears.
It was a surreal experience the next day as I went to Listowel to carry on with the planned Kinsmen and Kinette event. Everywhere you looked there was media present, every corner I turned I came across barriers blocking roads, vehicles on normally empty streets and people watching for the crippling moment when the bodies of these firemen would be taken from the burnt out building.
All around me all weekend were reminders of how much these men impacted our community and how much a crisis like this affects everyone. Tears, hugs, and shocked looks seemed everywhere. How could this have happened to one of our own? How could this have happened to a volunteer fireman?
The media attention that this crisis produced was almost overwhelming. Everywhere you turned there were media vehicles, reporters, cameras, videographers. It felt so invasive and intrusive. I couldn’t believe how much I hated it and yet how much I wanted to watch the footage at home. I began to realize how much those who aren’t affected by crisis really don’t appreciate the pain that those who are experience when their lives become so public.
The other thing that became overwhelming to me was actually a good thing in a sense. It was a feeling of comradeship, of friendship and of belonging. I haven’t been in the family of Kin for a long time… 14 months or so. I haven’t participated as much as I would have liked until recently and suddenly I found myself with my Kin brothers and sisters in the midst of a crisis and knowing that we were helping each other to cope, to survive. I am so proud to call myself a member of Kin Canada.
This moment was first apparent to me as our group gathered together with our Paddyfest attire on, black bands on our arms and walked on to the stage at the dance as a family. The entire crowd, over 1200 people, were very quickly silent as we offered up a moment of silence for our fellow Kin Ray and his fellow fireman, Ken. It gave me hope for humanity and it also made me feel so connected to this group. The second time this became apparent was the following day as our Kin family once again joined together and walked the parade route in honour of Ray. It was a surreal experience….this quiet group of friends walking along as people on the streets looked on. Many had tears in their eyes as they grieved the loss of a member of their community, others had tears or looks of compassion as they watched our groups faces, very somber, many hurting. Hard moments for me came as people would clap for us as it made me realize just how much everyone respected this organization I belonged to, an organization known for supporting others, supporting their community and so in need of support right now. Harder moments though came as our group encountered firefighters openly weeping and harder yet, encountering Ray’s parents and family and finally his wife, Holly. It was at this moment that I first felt the need to cry and weep for all that our community had lost.
Later that day, at home, I did this. I cried for the loss of these good men and I cried for the loss of our innocence in a sense. We, humanity, is so naïve to the risks that volunteer firemen take each and every time they go out on a call. We seem to know the risks for police officers and soldiers and perhaps even for those professional firefighters who fight huge blazes in large urban centres. But most of us have never given a thought to those, mostly unpaid, volunteers who gather every few weeks to train to fight fires, who give their time and sadly their lives to keep us safe. I never really understood this risk, this sacrifice and I wish that I didn’t know it as closely as I do now…and I’m pretty sure all of the citizens protected by the firemen of North Perth would agree with me.
I can promise you that I will never forget it again and I will not forget to support them in the days, weeks and months ahead. Nor will I ever forget again to say thank you to these volunteer heroes.
Ray and Ken – you will be sadly missed and never forgotten for the ultimate sacrifice you made. This Irish blessing seems only fitting given the date of your passing…
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

A Parent’s Pain

I wasn’t really planning for a theme but it seems I have another blog post that ties into the first song on my playlist and my final thoughts about it. They came to me at a strange time after a long and tiring day. I have recently begun reading a magazine called Guildposts. It’s a Christian magazine with stories about regular people and famous ones too….and how they’ve found faith, found hope….found God. Admittedly it’s filled with too many ads and some features I could take or leave but last night I read an article that really spoke to me.
This women was writing about God speaking to her at various points in her life. She was being treated for breast cancer and during one of her treatments she began to feel very alone, isolated and full of fear and worry.
But she also began to feel God’s love in way that she never had before and through eyes that had never seen it this way before. She remembered times that she had seen her own children afraid and hurt and remembered the times she had worried about them. She remembered those experiences and the fierce love it have evoked in her for her children.
And then she began to realize that was what God felt for her, times infinity. She’d been told her whole life that she was a child of God but she didn’t really appreciate it fully until then and she knew that God would see her through.
So here I was reading this last night and suddenly I felt a connection that had never occurred to me before either. Both the one that the author realizes but also another one, a much more powerful one to me.
There have been many moments in my life when I have worried about my kids. When Zack was born and didn’t cry, wasn’t able to breathe much at all I worried. When the doctor thought he might have cystic fibrosis I worried. When Brycen’s heart rate dropped below mine during labour and I needed an emergency c-section the fear in my heart was overwhelming. When Cameron and Cole were diagnosed with TTTS at 23 weeks gestation and we were told they were not viable if born then and that without surgery there was 100% chance we would lose one and likely both I was beyond concerned, beyond anxious, beyond fearful. When we learned Cole’s heart was very sick, that he was very sick, I was stressed beyond belief and when we learned he had passed away I was devastated. I didn’t think I could be more afraid then I was for Cameron when we went through the treatments for his severe anemia, during the MRI done on his brain or in the days that followed both of these. But I was wrong…I was shattered when my water broke and we were prepared by the medical staff to welcome our very premature, very small for his gestational age and likely very sick son.
And of course the worries didn’t stop there…for any of my kids. I worried about how the time I spent away would affect my older boys, I worried for Cameron’s health. I was concerned for the lack of transition time that Brycen especially had from being the baby to being the big brother. To be honest, that worry is still very much apart of our lives as we watch how he interacts with Cameron (not so well would be the observation). I was very stressed about Cameron’s development…okay I am still worried about this at times. I worry about social interactions with my boys, I worry about how our, crappy at times, parenting will affect them… I think I could go on forever.
A parents worry never goes away. A very good friend, our old minister Theresa, spoke at Cameron's baptism about the worry that parents have when pregnancy doesn’t go as planned and when parenthood doesn’t go as planned. She spoke about turning those worries over to God because sometimes you worry so much that you miss out on what’s happening around you. And she’s so right…I definitely feel that way about the arrival of my twins. I was so full of worry about Cameron’s health and so full of stress concerning Cole’s body condition after 11 lifeless weeks inside of me that I could not appreciate the moment for what it was, could not bring myself to hug, kiss or even touch my precious son.
But this author and her words have made me realize something even more important. For as much as we worry about our children, God worries about us. For as much as we are fearful for the crisis that our children are in, God is fearful for the crisis we are in and what choices it may cause us to make.
For me, it comes back to my heartfelt belief, God does not want horrible things to happen, He does not wish us this pain, this worry, this fear. Our pain hurts Him too. But just as our children learn to lean on us when they are in pain, are afraid or are worried, so must we learn to lean on God when we are put in situations with our children and with other aspects of our life.
We are so truly blessed to have a Father that cares so much for us that He’s willing to endure the most horrible pain so that we won’t have to. All we have to do is lean on him and let him wrap us in His arms the way we wrap our own loved ones in ours.

I Won't Let Go

Over the last few days I’ve been hearing this song, I Won’t Let Go by Rascal Flatts every morning on my way to work. It’s a beautiful song…hopefully you can hear it on here and here are the lyrics.
I Won’t Let Go – Rascal Flatts
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But you’re not lost on your own
You’re not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won’t let you down
It won’t get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won’t let go
Won’t let you go
No I won’t

It says exactly what I felt I had and have in some amazing people in my life and today I want to pay tribute to them and comment further on this song…. And forgive me…this is going to be a long post!!
I was and am so blessed to have some people in my life who have stood by me my whole life, in good times and bad, in happiness and sadness. The first who come to mind are my family… my parents, my brothers and their wives and kids. My parents are the perfect example of what I think all parents should be like. I’d like to think that everyone’s parents would support them through every part of their lives like mine have but I know that isn’t always the case, I know that I am truly blessed to have my awesome Mom and Dad. I know they don’t always agree with what I’ve done or do and sometimes I hear about it but most times they sit back and let me figure it out for myself. But more than that they have been there for me when my life became a crisis, when I couldn’t find my way up or down, when I needed someone to help me pick up the pieces and when I desperately needed to be held, have my tears wiped (and my forehead in the middle of a life saving procedure…thanks Dad!). I know that it hurt them to see me cry…and it still does….and I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t pretty teary right now. I am so very grateful for all they’ve done and all they continue to do for me, for my family.
I have so many wonderful friends that have held me up, dried my tears and been my rock. I am not going to mention them all and I apologize ahead of time if I didn’t include you on this post…there are so many and only so much room. My BFF, my dearest most wonderful friend who cyber held me, held me up over the phone and sent packages, money and love through the mail lives in Arizona. Charlotte and I have been the best of friends since the early 90’s and we’ve had a great many adventures together. She always knows the right thing to say to make me laugh and to make me cry. She knows when I need her and she knows just what to share and what to keep to herself. She has the most amazing faith and during our TTTS journey she sent many messages of that faith. At the time, I admit, it really was more than I could accept at times. I just wasn’t there yet, I just wasn’t ready. I’m still miles behind but I see the God she’s been telling about and I try so hard to live the way He wants me to and use her as a role model to do it. I love her like a sister…she really is the sister I never had.
I also have some dear friends in the community of Lucknow who I’ve come to cherish and hold dear. These girls and their families had become a part of our lives years before our crisis began and though we didn’t see each other often, we always seemed to be able to pick up right where we left off when we got together again. When our family crisis hit these girls amazed me. Denise had had a closer relationship with me than the others but I soon came to realize that I now had some of the most amazing friends in this little group. Kerry and Denise came to see me in the hospital, they brought and sent packages of food and treats, they called, they emailed, the commented on the blog and they were there for all of us. They came and cleaned my house, more than once (and Lucknow is almost an hour away!). They offered their help before and during our memorial service and gave us a wonderful gift to use in Cole’s garden. This group of friends is a newer one in my life, 8 years old or less (Denise and I met in triage when Zack was born) and yet I feel, and know, that I could and can count on them for anything! I feel close to them now and am so happy to have them holding me up as they do so often on my crappy days.
I am blessed with friends like this in our community too, friends who went above and beyond the call of duty when looking after my kids (as in the case of our amazing babysitter, Cheryl), friends who drove down to see me on a regular basis when I was in the hospital (Christine, Sue, Tracey, Cheryl to name a few) and friends throughout the community who remember when it is a special day or a memory day…or just a day where I look like I could use a hug.
And I am so blessed to have a huge group of cyber friends who offer support all the time. They are an amazing group of people who have struggled with TTTS, twin loss, baby loss or crisis and they have helped me get through some very dark and confusing times. Most especially I would like to pay tribute to my friends at Fetal Hope; Tammy and Lonnie, who called me, answered tough questions and did research for me and to Ali Morgan who was my first real cyber TTTS mommy friend who talked me through tough times at time when she struggled herself to come to grips with what had happened in her life. My friends Tara and Matt, parents of Cole’s namesake, Noah Cole and Jack Lawrence have no idea the magnitude of what they’ve done for me. They have allowed me to feel hope again in the TTTS world and helped me to overcome my feelings of anger and animosity towards those who were lucky enough to beat this dreadful disease. There are countless of these type of cyber friends….thanks for holding me, you have no idea what it means to me.
Really all over my life there are friends like this. I am so blessed to have people who won’t let me go, who hold me up, dry my tears, who hold me tight and fight my fight. I truly hope that I have and can continue to be that kind of person for someone else but I fear that I am selfish at times and don’t give back as much as I should. But I don’t do things for others for thanks or gratitude, I don’t offer support, hold them up or wipe away (mostly their cyber) tears for any other reason than I want to give it back. I will admit that I was touched when, in mentioning my blog post subject to Tara, she sent me this message when I said I’d write about how there are people who hold us up when we can’t stand anymore, who wipe our tears when we are too tired to do it ourselves….
… like you were doing with us! You were the one person who helped us the most out side of hospital. Even family were not as involved as you. You always said the right things. You were great!!! Matt says the same about you. Through it all, you were the one person we could be truthful with and who would be truthful back and who didnt just say 'stay positive' that and 'fingers crossed' I hated them phrases, drove me mad in the end; You listened and knew what we were going through. You were the only one who could be there 100% for that what we will always be grateful.... you didn't brush me off once. Cole lives in you still, you're both Angels.
And when I think of that way that makes me think of the words of this song from a different perspective…and that is exactly what came to me as I drove to work this morning. I was thinking of the first type of message I got from this song which lead me to think of Cole. And suddenly I just felt this strong urge to say thanks to God for holding me, for fighting my fight and holding me tight and drying my tears. I, suddenly, felt so close to Cole and felt like I was getting a message right from God. He will stand by you and help you through. When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope, He will dry your eyes, fight your fight and He will hold you tight. I am very certain that my little angel does these things for me too…for all of our family. We just need to open our minds to the possibilities, the places, the feelings that bring our little Cole to our minds..and that’s just where he might be.
I hope you all have someone in your life who can hold you tight and fight your fight because we all need those people in our lives..but know that you always have ‘someone’ there who does that for you…all you have to do is believe, and ask in the form of prayer. All it takes is faith.