Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Open, honest...and vulnerable

I know, I know....two days in a row..what is up with that... some may think my kids have gone on vacation...but no, it's called good tv for them and lots to think about and say for me.
A month ago or so someone found me on facebook... a woman named Carrie. She had lost both of her boys to TTTS. I am always surprised at those who connect with me, especially those who lost both their babies...I am not so sure I could have connected with anyone who had both their babes saved so close to when the babies passed away.
Anyway, she, like me, is very open about her grief, about how she's coping, what she's doing and how hard and sad it all is. Today she blogged about tearing down the twin nursery. It broke my heart to see all the pics of all the twin clothes, toys, even shoes she had. It made me sad for her and sad for me...sad that I never had to do this...the few things we bought were dealt without when I was in hospital. I never took any pics of any of them.
But more than this her openness and honesty reminds me of how some people have always talked about the strength that people like Carrie and myself display. I am not sure it's strength so much as it is just how we cope...how we heal.
I found this quote on another blog...

"...there is not aristocracy of grief. Grief is a great leveler. There is no highroad out.
Courage is a first step, but simply to bear the blow bravely is not enough. Stoicism is courageous, but it is only a halfway house on the long road. It is a shield, permissible for a short time only. In the end, one has to discard shields and remain open and vulnerable. Otherwise, scar tissue will seal off the wound and no growth will follow. To grow, to be reborn, one must remain vulnerable-- open to love but also hideously open to the possibility of more suffering."

-Hour of Gold, Hour of Lead, 1932, Anne Morrow Lindberg

and I just loved how very true it is of all that I have done, all that I have become... all the I need yet to do.
I am open and honest...and very vulnerable. I've been chastised by a few people for that and I take it to heart, decide to change...be more quiet about Cole...maybe people will accept me more, like me better, visit or call more often (okay so maybe I have some other issues to work through here LOL!!!), I tell myself, because others have planted seeds, that I need to focus on my living children mostly, not be online so much, not be so TTTS focused, so angel baby focused.... but then a few days or a week will go by and I'll revert to my old ways...and then I read this.
I realize that this is me, I'm not going to change, nor should I. If I do, before I'm ready, then I know that my wound will never heal and I will not grow. Yes I am opening myself up to more hurt, to remembering and reliving...each and every time I share our story. Yes it can consume a lot of my time. Yes sometimes it does make me suffer, make me cry, make me ache all over for my son.
But mostly, it makes me feel proud of who I am, who I have become, who my children are...all 4 of them. It makes me feel like I have grown and it makes me feel I have a purpose from the tragedy.
It might not be what I chose for myself and I'm sure it's not what others would chose for me. But I am not here to judge anyone nor should anyone be here to judge me.
I have discarded the shield that others judgements have become, I will not let it set me back again. I have also thrown away the shield that remaining quiet about bad days, sad moments and wishful thinking is. It may not always be productive but it is part of this process.
I am leaving myself open to love, to live, to hope, to dream and to remember... won't you too?
P.S. In case you are a regular reader and are wondering...yes I did change the name of my blog...journey of hope, journey of healing seemed...well just not what I want to write about or focus on so much now.... but it is still a journey...

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