Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Where I am these days....

My blogging fingers are itchy again and though I likely should spend the few spare moments I seem to have these days now that I am back to work doing something more productive (like catching up with facebook friends LOL!!!) I decided that I really need to start writing again…especially given the state of my mind lately.
There’s been some changes in things around our house in the last few weeks that have caused me a lot of stress. I find when I am stressed then I grieve harder and cope less. I find I relive the loss of Cole over and over and am so much more negative about the whole experience. I know that it is ‘normal’ but it doesn’t always feel healthy to me.
The boys and I spent some time in the backyard last weekend and I found myself drawn to Cole and his garden. I stood looking at his ‘headstone’ and the angels in his garden and found myself weeping. I could hear the boys on the swing set behind me laughing and having a great time and I found no comfort in that…only the reminder of what could have been and just how much I miss my son. I started to write ‘what should have been’ and instantly stopped typing for I realized that it isn’t the right word and deep in my heart I don’t think I’ve ever believed, after we lost Cole, that having Cole here is what should have been. It hurts to say that at times but in my heart I do truly feel that this is what God had planned for me. It may not have been the way He planned it to be, I do not believe He wanted to hurt me or see me struggle. But He did want me to grow stronger, to love better and to see the world with different eyes.
I am sure that in easier times I will be able to see those plans of God’s with clearer, less tear filled eyes. But He understands that too…He knows that this is so very hard and He knows that in times of struggle I will turn to Him. He knows He can save me.
Earlier in the weekend…even yesterday…I struggled with ‘why is this happening to me and to us…why is God bringing us this stress, these trials, when He knows that we are just getting back on our feet???’ I had no answers for that but wasn’t filled with a huge amount of frustration over them either. I was just very confused. And I felt such feelings of jealousy for what others around me have… beautiful homes, beautiful things, no budget restraints on buying things…even calm and peaceful relationships with others, especially their spouse and with this the jealousy for the ease in which others ‘seem’ to be able to live their lives.
But last night things came to a head (once again) in our house. Tempers flew, words were exchanged, tears were shed. I retreated out of frustration and anger and really felt alone and ready to blow. And then suddenly a sense of clarity overcame me….I realized that it isn’t about the why’s but rather about the how’s. It isn’t about why things happen but rather about how we deal with them. And most of all WHO we deal with them with. Things will and do work out…I’ve learned that as have many of you I’m sure. Getting caught up in why keeps you from seeing what is in front of you, keeps you from appreciating all that you do have. I have a husband who does tons of housework, can cook, can clean and knows what to do around the house. I have 4 amazing children. Only three of them may live in my home but they all live in my heart and have all taught me so much about life. I have a home…it might be mortgaged but it’s mine…I don’t pay rent. I have friends and family who love me for me. We both have jobs…mine is one that I love. Job struggles are apart of Geoff’s life it seems. I hate that but I have come to accept it for what it is….WE have to accept it for what it is. We always get through it, we always survive.
And last night we decided that we need to find a way to celebrate all of these gifts from God together. We need to join together to praise Him, we need to honour him together and most of all we need to pray together and study the bible, His love and His Hope for us together.
To some reading this it may seem like a given or maybe even a shock that we don’t already do this as I write frequently about my faith and my feelings about God. But Geoff and I don’t share this, not usually. We came to the conclusion last night that it’s not just a good idea, it’s a necessity…something has to change in the way we communicate, interact and raise our family and we are both hoping that by being a more faithful Christian family that it will be easier. Actually I don’t think we hope that…we KNOW that.
So as my heart aches for my son and the wishes I had and have for my family I am full of Hope and am praying for guidance and support of a wonderful God….and hopefully some amazing friends who might have some great resources for us to work on this together. And as I work on this I am sure that I will write more…I can almost promise this. I know that I will be writing more about coping with loss and dealing with ‘twin’ issues, stillborn baby issues etc. I find it helpful to share what I’ve learned…even if no one is reading this at all!!!
Thanks ahead of time to anyone who might have wisdom to share with us!

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