Wednesday, September 15, 2010

An Angel Never Dies

I found this poem on a blog I happened to find one day in a search for something on hope and loss. I wanted to share it with you all…those of you who’ve found me and my blog because you understand so much how much it hurts to lose a child before you met them, those of you who did met your child alive but had to do the heartwrenching act of saying goodbye to your child and those of you who know me, who watched me struggle…who watch me struggle…..

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart.
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not of me.
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes.
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Even in this pain you bear.
Believe me when I say to you
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
Brings tears doesn’t it? Not all tears of sadness though…many tears of hope.
I feel the need to comment on this poem as it speaks so loudly to me. I really feel that people did not (maybe do not) think that our loss was as significant as the loss of a baby who was born alive and died at birth or later. We saw that in the reactions of others….the lack of sympathy cards and gestures of sympathy normally attributed to the loss of a loved one, the people who we thought would come to our memorial service for Cole and didn’t, the gestures from neighbours that normally go with loss that didn’t come our way.
I don’t mention those things because I am bitter or angry… still hurt maybe a little but mostly I think stillbirth is just an area where people just do not know how to react. And in my heart I will always wish that if I had to say goodbye, if I had to send him to God, could I not have been able to do it while his little heart was still beating, when he as able to look at me and I at him. Ah….. If wishes were fishes!!!
But mostly this poem speaks so strongly to me as the voice of Cole. I know he lives on…I make sure of it. We speak his name daily, I speak to him often. I will never let his memory die, will never allow myself to move on to a place where he is no longer a part of my thoughts, prayers and actions. He is a part of my life as much as my other children. I honour him, I love him and I miss him terribly. I know that he misses me too, I know that he loves me too.
I often wonder what it will be like when I reach Heaven’s gate and he’s there to greet me. Will he be full grown or will he remain a baby until his mommy is there to hold him and raise him up to be the beautiful person that his twin is here on earth? I do not doubt for a minute that I will recognize him instantly and that he will rush to meet me too. I also know, without a doubt, that I will understand when I see him again, when I reach Heaven, why this is the journey that God has placed us on.
I will always cherish the moments I had with him…the kicks and hits, rolls and punches, the amazing ultrasounds, the countless times I told people that I was pregnant with twins and the amazement that brought forth. And I am so glad that I found this poem as I sometimes need reminders that ‘Although he never breathed our air or gazed into our eyes, that doesn't mean he never was for an Angel never dies.’

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