Why this Time of the Year?

 Earlier this week I talked about some of my why's that I still seem to sit in and I had a prayerful moment and quite a revelation from the Lord the other day about one of them, 

I've always wondered why our loss had to happen this time of year.  As I said a few day ago, I had already experienced some pretty significant losses in the Christmas season and it just seemed to be added more pain to my already broken heart.  On Thursday I look it to the Lord in prayer and I found the song Joy to the World coming to my heart, specifically "Joy to World, the Lord has Come" and "Let every heart prepare Him room".

At first I thought it was just my usual distracted brain at work but then suddenly I was thinking of other messages we hear this time of year regarding advent, about preparing our hearts for Jesus and it made me think about what advent is really about.  

Through advent we prepare our hearts for the birth of our savior, we remember the time before Jesus came and the promises that were made to God's people and the hope they had for him to come and save the world.  I've learned in more recent years that it's not just preparing our hearts for him to come but to remember what he did when he was here.  Jesus came to serve, he is the ultimate guide on how to help others in need.  

And during advent we also prepare our hearts for Jesus to come again.  To fix what's wrong in this world and to take those who believe in him back to heaven...or bring heaven fully here perhaps.  

And so when I sat with those thoughts in my heart, I realized that having a tragedy that happened this time of year that seems so easily triggered is no accident.  With the sights, sounds and smells of this season triggering you to remember days gone by, days that were hard and dark and lonely, you can't help but think of where you've come since then.  

Jesus came to earth as a humble and innocent baby.  He had to grow and learn like every child.  He had to overcome what he didn't know, what hadn't developed yet.  As he took his first steps he stumbled just as I've stumbled taking steps out of this grief.  Once he grew to a boy who could learn from others, he took it all in.  He listened to teachers and preachers and became a humble servant of God his father.  And then when he became a man he began to teach himself.  He began to reach out to others to help them to see the way to his father.  

My experience of journeying through grief has been similar.  The early days were so hard, so dark and lonely.  None of it made much sense.  In time I began to meet others who could relate to some of what I was experiencing.  Not all of them were families who experienced loss of life but all were families who experienced loss of what felt normal and safe, all of them had a life altering experience with pregnancy complications.  Some of them became a lifeline to me.  They showed me there was hope.  They inspired me.  

Jesus' life began at Christmas and grew from there and this week as I've journeyed through some of these emotions I have this time of year I feel God telling me that I, too, began a new life at a Christmas season and it grew from there.  I'm not saying I'm anything like Jesus.  So far from it most days. What I'm saying is that a new life began for me 14 years ago and it involved heart changes that made life different from then on.  It spurred me to use the gifts and talents that God gave me to help others.  It moved me to become a person with empathy and compassion.  

Just a few weeks ago, when I went to my principal to request Tuesday off (because for as far as I've come, I still know that the anniversary of Cole leaving us is a hard day and not one I am ready to face the responsibilities I have at a work....in a school with 1 set of identical twins and at least 4 other sets) I shared something I said to a principal a few years ago about the loss of Cole and the journey we've taken.  "I am who I am because I've been where I've been".

The reaction from her, from my current principal and from so many others over the years has always been 'that must have been so hard and I'm so sorry to hear that happened'.  While I've often been able to express that it changed me forever, that line "I am who I am because I've been where I've been" really does sum it all up.  

It's not lost on me that we remember what Jesus came to do this time of year and I feel quite certain God gave me the timing of our loss to do the same.  To remember what I am here to do.  That I am his servant and my heart needed to break and be mended by Him for me to do his work.