At the start of the advent season my dear friend and pastor spoke to us about waiting in the darkness, about looking at the small light given off by the candles on the advent wreath and sitting in the darkness around it waiting for Jesus to come, waiting in the emotions that come with...well with waiting. Anticipation, yes, but also anxiousness and sometimes confusion. We spent a long time talking about where our focus is while we're waiting and what it feels like to be in that darkness. Later we prayed as a group and I asked for prayer as I began to walk in this season of memories that happens every year at this time. And my friend said to me, "Maybe this year Jod, God is asking you to sit in the darkness and explore the emotions that you feel this time of year. Not to just push through them and find my way to the other side of this darkness but to really sit in it and feel it all, reflect on those feelings and pray through it".
And so yesterday I began to work through some of it. I am journaling my way through so I thought maybe I'd write it here too because, God knows and so do many others, that I'm not the only one who feels this stuff in these seasons and God also knows that we can use our deepest pain and suffering to help others, to walk with them through theirs.
So I yesterday I wrote about sitting in the darkness, in the waiting, so full of mixed emotions, wanting to be happy, to be filled with joy at all God has blessed us with, in all the gifts God has given me that have come out since Cole passed away.
And I can see the light. It flickers up a head, guiding me forward.
But right now I know that I need to spend time in the darkness, in the now of my emotions. It's time to explore them, where they are now and not where they have been or where they will take me as I often have. I need to explore how I feel about the journey God has taken me on and be honest about how it feels.
My biggest question has always been WHY? At times I can find answers to that. I can see and feel the things that have come from this journey and know they are so good. But right now, right here in this darkness, this feels hard. It feels like too much. I want to ask God why me? Why then? Why does something that was meant to grow my heart have to hurt so much? Why does it have to hurt so much so many years later?
God why did you give me this desire to help others pregnant with twins because being in those places, those groups where they are makes me hurt so much sometimes. It feels like I'm a glutton for punishment this time of year especially. And why this time of year? Why did we have to lose our son 12 days before Christmas when Christmas already came with some really difficult emotions from losses in the past. For those who don't know, I lost my friend, a boyfriend actually, to cancer on Christmas day in my grade 12 year and also lost a little boy I worked with....ironically, 26 years ago today. (I didn't write about this part yesterday so once again God has worked to have me explore this emotion on a day that really matters). Christmas is truly a horrible time to lose someone because it's such a season of memories anyway...and therefore a season of memories.
I have some many moments this time of year that spark a memory that brings tears and sadness. I want to push them aside and feel others want me to as well. People expect that we'll be happy this time of year and people think that a loss that's almost 14 years old won't still sit so heavy in our hearts. And people suck someitmes!!! Sorry but it's so true!
I've diverged a bit and I feel like I'm needing to pray to come back to a place to continue exploring so this may just be it for today. I will admit that it feels strange to just bring out these big feelings and let them sit but I also know God wants to bring me through this darkness so I need to sit in a bit and process and come back to it later.
Thanks for following along and for praying for me as I walk through this.
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