Darkness Into Light

 This exploration into sitting in the dark of my emotions that this season of grief always evokes has definitely been a very eye and heart opening experience.  While I know that this time of year will always have it's moments and I know that tomorrow will be another day where I shed some tears as I remember my sweet son, I also know that God carries me through it all.  

I am still left with some questions that take time to work through.  While I know that God gave me the gifts I have to helping others and for sharing my heart in words that seem to resonate with others, I do still ask, at times, if I really need to be in the places where the healthy side of twin pregnancy, the healthy and ideal outcome, hangs out.  Do I HAVE to suffer through the visuals of all that 'could have been' in order to be where I'm needed to help others.  Isn't there another way?  

The simple answer is that I can choose to do whatever works best for me. I can choose to not be there.  I can choose to hide those groups, to avoid seeing all that 'lives there'.  And maybe there are days that I should do that.  

But I also think I need to rely on God to walk beside me on those harder days and I need to trust that he puts me where he needs me when he needs me. I take so much of it on myself and dwell within myself on dark and painful days.  I don't take it to the one who understands my pain enough.  If I've learned anything through this exploration of emotions it's that God is listening to my heart and he'll provide me peace.  I just need to sit in it and talk with him, share with him, poor my emotions and stop taking it on alone.  

And so tomorrow that is what I'll do.  I won't shut anything off but I also won't take what I'm feeling on alone.  I'm coming through this darkness and I'm doing it with joy in my heart.