This morning I laid in bed thinking of how I woke 14 years ago with such optimism, so sure everything was going to be ok because I had felt strong kicks from Cole's side of the womb just as I woke. I was so very unprepared for the news that would be delivered to me just a few hours from then.
Have you ever had times where you wish you just go back and relive moments and then just stay there in them...not move forward? I know over the years I've definitely had lots of those moments and I'd be lying to you if I didn't admit to wishing that I could relive only that moment from December 13/08 and not the rest of that awful day.
But that's not who I am, it's not what I do on this day. I have a tradition of sitting in those memories and of reading back through blog posts and facebook entries from that day. It's definitely an emotional time for me but I feel like I need to go back to all of them memories of that day that involve Cole and cherish them, even if they are hard,
I was about to write 'because that's all we have' on the end of that sentence above but I stopped in my tracks and was thinking 'WHAT? Why would you even think that? It's so not true'. Sometimes I think my fingers flow before my brain engages.
We have so much more than just the memories of that day and, while it's important to remember them because it's such an important part of our story, the story didn't end there for us and it didn't end there for Cole either.
Remembering the pain of that day, and when I say remembering I mean vivid, deep visuals of the room we were in, the clothes the doctor was wearing, where I was, where Geoff was, the look on his face, the colour of the wall I turned to face....so many of those memories are very deeply etched in my brain. But remembering the pain of that day is part of remembering the pivotal moments that change your life, change the course of your life. For those in our family who got to stay on earth that day, life became about cherishing moments, giving back, helping others and becoming empathic humans who listen and share their hearts with others. For Cole, that day became the first of his eternity.
A friend commented in response to one of my blog posts last week that she stopped thinking about what her son, who passed from TTTS complications, would be doing here on earth years ago. She said that living in the what ifs and whys is to hard for her and, since death is inevitable for all of us, living for what could of been just doesn't make sense. This life here is temporary and our forever home is in heaven. So she thinks of him there instead and imagines his life there...who's he's met there, what he does.
And I guess the older I get, the more this is becoming my mindset for Cole too, The more family and friends who leave us, the closer we get to our return to heaven, the more my mind focuses on Cole being in the arms of Jesus and not on him not being in the arms of his momma. Cole changed the world the day he left it. One tiny baby, who's grown up in heaven, changed the world by inspiring his family and those around them too.
I'll always miss him, part of me will always feel sadness for this day. I will always hold on to the memories of it. But I will also hold on to the memories of what we've done on this day and many others because of the moment where our life changed, of the moment when we learned he was gone. Our lives are fuller because of it even if our hearts and arms have felt empty at times.
We love you Cole, we always have, we always will and we'll always remember everything about this day that shaped us into who we are today.
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